Development Archives - Diary of a Lost Soul

In This Dark World Your Enthusiasm Will Be A Problem

I have received positive feedback this week, but I am left with many questions, as I should be filled with elation bursting at the seams for hitting a target both professionally and personally that will propel me forward toward my carefully curated year-long plan as I look forward to it. In light of this, I ended yesterday on an all-time low because of comments made about my characteristics, which I have always heard but never really understood.

It has been brought up in other posts, but my personality type hasn’t always been well received by most people. Because of this I have struggled to understand people and their motives. In an effort to grow as an individual, in my 20s I set myself a task to take more time to explore these feelings for myself and others. This was so that overall I could have better relationships. Although this was helpful, I found myself tormented by other’s expectations of me and became clear about my people-pleasing nature which in turn manifested into a lack of self-care and self-awareness. By the time I was 30 I was awakened and embarked on the journey of self-discovery, so I consolidated my own wants and needs and located my voice (although it still wavers at times). I would love to say this has the ending of a chick flick movie where the teenie boppers are destined to have a long-lasting relationship supporting each other towards their dreams, but sadly no. This is more like a horror movie where only the lead character survives and wonders how civilisation is going to survive amidst the devastation.

I may be sounding slightly dramatic, but I think it is fair as I am just wrapping my head around these emotions. But I think we are so caught up in deciding how people should present instead of understanding that we all hold our place in society. In other words if you don’t like the way I am you should probably just drink your water and mind your business. I know this is a personal issue and we can never be entirely sI have received positive feedback this week, but I am left with many questions, as I should be filled with elation bursting at the seams for hitting a target both professionally and personally that will propel me forward towards my carefully curated year-long plan as I look forward to it. In light of this, I ended yesterday on an all-time low because of comments made about my characteristics, which I have always heard but never really understood.

Being oneself is not celebrated enough, and if you were like me, who had dreams of living life unapologetically with a passion that burns brighter than the sun, you might have been shocked to discover that adult circles can be just as divisive and juvenile as those in the playground. It is possible to be ridiculed and ostracised for wanting change and taking action to alter your environment. This is because it is not easy to evoke positivity and these views can be shot down by those who perceive themselves as your allies.

Despite my spiral I have been fighting to move past these feelings so have relied on echoed advice from some of my trusted advisers that is helping me lean towards the resilient side of my soul. We all need feedback to grow. That can mean we are provided with comments that highlight areas for development. These can be hard to receive but these should not be used as a weapon to bring us down or encourage majorly changing our character to suit the crowd. There is nothing wrong with being yourself and although that might cause contention among some of the groups you may be subscribed to it doesn’t mean you need to overhaul yourself to fit in because I am sure even if you make those changes they will still return with further alterations. Overall keep shining your light even if it burns people’s eyes, misery often loves company and even if people struggle to manage the bounce in your step it is better to be enthusiastic bringing brightness to the darkness of this world.

P.S I hope this post provides as much healing for you as it has for me in these last 48 hours 🥰

The Journey to Philautia

Philautia is the ancient Greek word for self-love, it is a term that is often used amongst the millennial culture meaning to tend to your own needs and wellbeing without sacrificing yourself for the pleasure of others. But I struggle to see evidence of how it demonstrated well despite the copious use of bubble baths, and solo trips around the world it makes me wonder do we really love ourselves as much as we say we do?

I think we can all agree that we are probably our worst enemies, no matter what someone can say or do to us we have probably done worse. It doesn’t mean that we despise every living and breathing thing about ourselves but spend a lot of time being self-critical about most of the things we do which builds a very undesirable picture of self. Team that with the distorted and hateful views of society and you get one big ball of self-destruction. The pandemic taught me that I am incredulously mean and disregarding of myself, from pushing myself to the absolute limit career-wise, not to mention the relationship between me and my body, I have heavily supported in turning myself into someone I wouldn’t want to spend time with alone.

As a blogger and avid reader of personal development informed texts, I become enraged when the latest portions encouraging me to love myself are concluded with the concept that taking a bath, regular face masks or booking a spa weekend will make me feel better about myself. I am a hard worker, so to gain some control and balance over my life I would play hard with my besties mainly on the raw streets of Shoreditch on the weekends living my best alcohol filled life, sleeping it off until Monday, then trudging it through a hectic work week all over again. When the earth stood still in the name of a virus, combined with a breakup from a long-term relationship (we will get to this one in another post) I was left with none of my crutches to distract me from the lacklustre life I was leading. The silence was deafening, and it was within those moments that I knew that there was nothing else left to do but tackle those deep dark parts of my mind that I had compartmentalised for so long, and no bubble bath brand had the strength to cure those.

Now, I don’t want to throw shade at anyone who uses any of the above-mentioned methods to take care of themselves as I agree that they serve a purpose. But what I argue is that they don’t truly heal us, it is like putting a plaster over your pain it has very little effect including the fact that we don’t all have the revenue to regularly engage in these activities the minute our mood drops. The biggest part of self-care is the inner work, the things that warm our soul so we feel good from the inside out. It has taken a stint in counselling, implementing food and lifestyle change, journaling and prayer to support the journey to truly show the love to myself I truly deserve. I can’t pinpoint when I jumped on the self-hate train but it really embedded itself within my teen years, and I realised undoing that level of indoctrination worthies more than a few packets of Superdrug’s finest face masks. I spent a lot of time loving other people in a way that I should’ve been loving myself, and until I got real and faced the hard truths about life, I was unable to feel comfortable in my own skin.

So, I challenge you all to take a leap and dig deep into your souls. Those thoughts that randomly resurface, embrace them, name them and take care of them. Show the kindness you give to others to yourself at your most difficult times, and most important of all learn what true love is, what you are giving out so freely to others must be given to yourself first… then run and tell me how soothing that bubble bath really was?