Experiences Archives - Diary of a Lost Soul

The Pretty Girl Complex?!

12 Jan 2020 No Comments

Source: NBC News

I find the ideas for blog posts in some of the weirdest places, from nights out speaking to random strangers or overhearing conversations during my commute to work, it proves that anything is a topic for deep debate. But today’s inspiration was curated from the Instagram comments of commentator and Youtube talk show host ZeZe Millz, I literally never EVER read the comments sections of anyone I have followed unless someone points me in that direction. But as I was scrolling through in my unconscious social media zombie state I came across a screenshot of a tweet ZeZe had posted regarding her thoughts on the breaking news that it appears that Socialite and Model Lori Harvey has made it official with rapper Future.

Millz post alludes to the notion of women consistently being held to unreasonable standards by men in order to be considered “Wifey Material”, a phrase that is used to aid in categorising women in regards to their attributes but will completely abolish this standard for women who have a particular status or are aesthetically pleasing. I was about to continue scrolling, but it was a comment from Youtube BkChat debater Lucas that caught my attention which I felt tried to what other commenters coined as “Mansplain” reasons as to why Lori who since last year has been tied to a number of high profile industry men including Diddy, Trey Songz and Memphis DePay to name a few was exempt from this level of scrutiny due to her fame. Whereas regular women such as myself would be vilified for openly parading relationships with different men and branded a hoe.

screenshot_20200112-183427_instagram2363299858718811342.jpg — Source: Lori Harvey Instagram

Since the dawn of time women have been forced to create a perfect image not only physically but also to limit themselves sexually in order to capture the attention of men. This is not just for the nesting rewards, but also as a stroke to their ego for being one of the very few who have conquered the mountain dubbing her worthy for marriage. These are not specifications that are reciprocated, it has always been reasonable for men to be flawed during their younger years as they require time to grow and learn the world for themselves which could include them accumulating high numbers of sexual partners without a blemish to their likeness from female suitors.

This comment off lead me to believe that the standards for how women should conduct themselves continually fluctuate depending on the individual, meaning that this idea of the perfect or worthy woman never existed. I have been ranting and raving within a number of debates with friends and randoms about this concept and my views have been ousted by many including women who have been stuck in this paradox of being highly desirable to men that they have followed these unwritten rules to a tee, or concealed specific information to keep the appeal. I was always taught to carry myself with distinction in all ways, a lesson that my mother taught me not to fit in or allure others but for my own identity and growth so the decisions I made for myself as a woman growing up in this world was for nothing else but personal development. I remember back in the summer of 2019 when Lori began to hit the blogs for her escapades with different men, she was berated by males for serial dating. These are now some of the same men who are giving her a pass and praising her as a great woman within her relationship with serial baby father and lothario Future.

The world has changed drastically within the last couple of decades and social entities have shifted, so what may have considered unacceptable to the public is now widely received. Women have a completely different position in this world, and while I would never encourage another woman to find her worth by exploring her body with a vast amount of different people I would always advise that the decisions you are making make you feel comfortable not to please a man who has no idea what they are looking for themselves. Moral of the story is, Ladies don’t hold yourself to the standards of another, because you never know your MCM might end up dating the most sexually liberated girl on the timeline you were condemning before your eyes.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Life is a Struggle

27 Oct 2019 No Comments

Lately, I have been going through some heavy stuff, I feel like being in your 30’s is just as confusing and troubling as going through your teenage experience at times. Between relationships, career battles and watching some of your lifelong dreams crash down right on top of you the mental ware fare involved in picking up the pieces is real! Now I don’t want to dump on anyone or contradict myself because I truly have been enjoying this period of my life, but I am currently the most confident I have been and in turn it has strengthened my abilities to navigate such hardships.

Growing up I was always taught that if I remained focused and worked to the best of my abilities I would reap the rewards that I deserved, so I applied this ideology to all aspects of my life in perfect assurance that I would achieve all that I desired as I have always exceeded giving 100% towards any of my endeavours. No, I am not a millionaire, CEO of a major corporation or even halfway through the list of aspirations I have, but I am genuinely beyond impressed with the personal growth I have made over the years. And I think this is where this theory stops having any effect and the struggle begins.

close up photo of a woman — Photo by Marlon Schmeiski on Pexels.com

By the time I started embarking on my womanhood I was oozing independence and had the world at my feet, self-confessed control freak who could pull all the strings to my expectations and I was totally enthralled by it. But this all changed about five years ago when I got into my first ever serious relationship, it’s funny how that was the kickstarter to what began to show me that no matter what I do sometimes things will not always go the way I hope and that life is full to the brim of hardships that are difficult to navigate . The thought alone of not having the power over how things were governed was devastating enough, but then also realising that no matter how much effort I put in to steer away from certain eventualities it had no little to no effect. This threw me right off course and showed me there is no simple method of achieving what you want. At this point, everything that I used to have domination over initiated a take over on me at once including career, loss of friendships and just general life downs causing me to feel like my whole world was being shell shocked by despair.

After a shed load of tears and a few depressive states later I have come out of my pit and emerged with the understanding that life is never easy despite what people may say or try show you it will always be a struggle, and no matter how much money you earn or accolades you achieve there will always be something that will be waiting just to knock you off your totem pole. I wish that this was something that was shared with me during my formative years because I would have been saved from a load of heartache, but the minute I finally soaked that understanding in it stopped me from feeling so low about the problems of the world. I don’t want to be cliche and put the downfall of such theories on the shoulders of social media, but I definitely believe that there are a lack of truth-tellers sharing their losses in life and reassuring us all that nobody ever goes throughout their journey winning every fight they sign up for.

woman smiling — Photo by Vinicius Wiesehofer on Pexels.com

What I am trying to say is don’t be stunned when you find yourself on a path that you didn’t see coming it is totally normal and EVERYONE goes through this, welcome it and don’t let it knock you off your hustle. My favourite quote for 2019 that has helped me continue through my strife comes from the great Nipsey Hussle “The game will test you, never fold, stay ten toes down”. Life is a struggle but we can all make our way through it.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

We Didn’t Need Designers We Needed Guidance

20 Oct 2019 No Comments

Over the years I have struggled to understand why men and women are so different, in my younger years I was convinced that the only thing that separated the genders were body parts but sometimes it feels as if we are so far apart we live on different planets. I thought that it started making a lot more sense to me and I had finally figured out the Pythagoras theorem type code, but then I moved in with my long-term boyfriend and that showed me that there are some serious levels to this game we call love and war. I definitely wouldn’t say I have my life figured out because we don’t own this life so have no idea where it will take us, but I plan and when my plans lead me towards a different destination I re-route just like a Satnav would and continue on because if not I would freak out and be lost. How I got to this profound way of living you ask, lots of failed attempts at life (I mean lots), understanding that I cannot control all aspects of my life, getting closer to my faith and most important having positive role models to guide me in the right direction.

And upon deep reflection, I think this is the main factor that divides the 2 genders. I love Wretch 32 who is renowned for speaking his mind about issues relating to culture, colourism and community differences. On his project FR32 he has a song called Thugs Prayer which depicts people within their moments of weakness seeking support from higher beings. A line in the track reads “we didn’t need designers we needed guidance” and I believe it really explains where some of the difficulty lies. When I talk to the different males around me the common missing factor is always guidance and the lack of role models around them in the formative years of their lives. Although a lot of them are surrounded by many friends and influences that could have a positive impact, the ethos of nurturing and teaching is not always seen as compulsory for their development.

blur cartography close up concept — Photo by slon_dot_pics on Pexels.com

My background is nowhere near privileged, I come from a single-parent home with an absentee father and attended a school in Hackney. Not the hipster loving, bicycle riding Hackney we see now but the much rougher and more abandoned Hackney. I could have been very different from what I am today, but what gave me a chance was the morals and values instilled in me from as long as I can remember from my mother. She was a hardworking woman with 2 young girls she knew needed to have the knowledge and education on their sides to succeed in this tough world and made it her priority to do so. I find that Boys are not given that opportunity, they are often left to their own devices to figure things out for themselves or are fed the idea that their main focus is about making enough money, so they can stunt on others with high-class designers and use that to get the attention of other women.

Life is deep, meaningful and incredibly hard, so in order to win at it takes conscious teachings from elders and personal reflection. My constant gripe as a woman and a girlfriend is that it has been put out into the world that the shortcomings of men are to be accepted by us as they require more time to grow. Time is for sure is a mentor and a healer, but how can they change their ways when there are no mechanisms in place to aid or apply pressure in order for it to become a requirement and not a suggestion? For us to become the best versions of ourselves we have to be answerable to something and I have found that lessons taught to young girls is more about how to enable a man, but no lessons for boys on how to become pillars of their communities, or the responsibility of guidance that will be bestowed upon them within their latter years.

alphabet class conceptual cube — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

For anything to be different the narrative needs to be changed, it needs to be a priority for men to be mentored throughout life and made accountable for their weaknesses and faults as well as being celebrated for being providers for their families so that those teachings can be shared with those coming up after them. I for one am tired of watching our young boys fall victim to the cold streets who have nothing to offer them but false pretences and pain. Prosperity is beautiful and something we all hope for, but lessons are learnt better with love and nurturing at the forefront.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Sometimes You Gotta Take a Pause

29 Sep 2019 No Comments

First of all, I want to apologise for the lack of posts within the last couple of weeks. Just before I left for my Vacay in Mexico I started a few pieces, but time got the better of me and I was unable to complete any of them. Secondly, I want to take back my apology for not being able to post because the way how my life was set up before I left it would make sense for things to take a backseat and unfortunately, that thing was the blog. Confusing right, but this is literally my train of anxiety filled thoughts when I face situations where I cannot meet a commitment I have made. But I learnt a valuable lesson sitting on my hotel room balcony watching the calmness of the sea lapping against the shore as if it was a live stream from a Mindfulness app. That although you have a long list of to do’s, you may never finish them and that is fine because sometimes it is okay to take a pause in your life activities.

I am a born and bred Londoner through and through, so the fast-paced working spirit is not only a generational curse but also an environmental one. From the moment I step out on to those dull grey pavement slabs, I am consistently on the go as if roller skates have been permanently glued around my ankles. I think the only time I truly stop is when I sleep, and the weeks leading up to my departure I truly felt the effects of being constantly on the go, between trying to complete all my shopping and making arrangements for my Cat to be looked after in my absence I was severely overwhelmed by tasks and also the pressure to complete them so I was not letting anyone or even myself down.

I only spent a week in Cancun, but it felt so much longer because for the first time in so long I was truly still. I had plans and went on extreme excursions, but I was not a slave to my alarm clock or demands of others which allowed me to truly relax, and I had time to consolidate my thoughts. It made me think about my way of living and how it desperately needs to change. Despite loving all the things I am currently involved in including my job, blog and entrepreneurial intentions I have to find a way to balance it all so I don’t neglect my needs. I pondered over this idea of the perpetual need to accomplish things and grind and it brought me to the understanding that the minute we transition from young people to adults and begin embarking on our careers our personal time is snatched away from us and given to a company or organisation to do with as they please as if it is a right of passage. If we protest against such standards of living it is as if we will be penalised for advocating for our requirements or seen as non-committal, thus we begin to organise our personal lives around our professions leaving little to no time for reflection, growth or nurturing of relationships eventually causing them to wilt and suffer.

I believe it is a double-edged sword, because it is poor cultural underpinnings that have caused us to feel this way be it from our homes or the western world. There are no written rules that we have to make a choice regarding the split of time between our profession and our happiness, and from what I am learning from my Christian walk a lot more of our time is supposed to be used for spiritual education and understanding self. If we are spending the majority of our time routinely moving from one project to another where is the time to assess our inner-selves? It is our job to manage our schedules and get our priorities in check. When we notice that there are issues with our ways of living we are not supposed to allow anything else dictate our livelihoods or cause us to disregard our wellbeing, but the only way we can do that is if we have regularly allotted moments to stop and think.

So 7 days later mixed with a few Tequila shots I now know that despite one of my personal strengths being able to work under immense constraints, I have found that I am much more useful and productive when environments are less stressed and I have time to determine where my head is at. Organised chaos is my forte, but I for sure need to allocate more time to inner Rea who always holds it down for me and is a sitting duck when I am running myself ragged. So if you are anything like me an have a deep-hearted passion for all the things that you do, don’t feel guilty or allow others to press you about the denomination of your time. You will be far more useful when all parts of you are in agreement, and when it all gets too crazy just take a pause.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

He Cares Not For Your Tear’s Sis

18 Aug 2019 No Comments

From the tender age of about 5 or 6, I remember being told “crying is for babies”, as I evolved in age it changed to “crying is a weakness”. As much as my weekly counselling sessions vehemently refute the latter statement I agree with it to a certain degree, crying is a valid emotion that should be as freely released as anger, happiness or sadness. But there is one instance in which I will never share this emotion and that is in front of an uncaring man.

Now, I know some of my fellow sisters might strongly disagree with me and retort “so you won’t ever cry in front of your boyfriend or husband” and the answer is yes, I sure will. And the reason for this is because I would hope that the above mentioned would not be anyone who wished any less than the best for me. My use for the term ‘uncaring man’ defines a dude who has wronged you and fails to demonstrate any type of remorse towards the pain he has or may have caused you by his actions. Why such a militant response to another’s actions you ask?

photo of a person leaning on wooden window — Photo by Dương Nhân on Pexels.com

Both men and women are emotional beings, but I believe regardless of whether women show it our actions are more likely to be fuelled by the emotion we are experiencing within that moment. I am a hibernator of mine, so they are usually stored inside laying dormant until they are unleashed by a situation or a person that has either made me deeply sad or triggered the inferno sized blaze within me. Crying is probably one of the most vulnerable points for any individual, so it makes me infuriated to the highest degree when I see a woman reveal some of the most sacred parts of herself to a man who clearly sees this not as a bearing of her soul but an annoyance or waste of his time.

In the last few years, studies have eluded to the therapeutic elements of crying. (Psychology Today 2010) discusses the health benefits of tears in regards to our emotional state, It mentions emotional tears containing stress hormones and toxins that are released when we cry and also stimulate the release of endorphins which are natural painkillers.

I always advise any woman I consider dear to me not to cry in front of men for many reasons;

Men hate and are afraid of a woman’s tears
They cannot always comprehend the emotion behind the action
It makes them uncomfortable
They will say anything (lie) to make it stop
They see them as a weapon against them

blonde hair blur daylight environment — Photo by Sebastian Voortman on Pexels.com

Now I see crying as a therapeutic activity, not only do I psychologically feel freed after a Kim Kardashian style ugly crying face sob but those tight knots I always noticed but failed to see loosen as if an instant calm rushes over my body like the ending of a storm. This feeling of euphoria is only disturbed when the emotions you are sharing are not reciprocated or at least empathised. We have the right to be vulnerable in public as it is a method of healing for us, but that moment of clarity is stolen from us when the person we choose to share it with demonstrates that it has no place in their lives.

Our sister circles, therapists, family even co-workers can offer a stronger source of counsel than a retaliated “it’s not that deep”. Expose yourself to the people that will offer you support within moments where you require love and attention, not criticise or ridicule some of your most painful and sacred expressions. By no means am I encouraging us females to be fearful of showing emotions as it is healthy to release them because a man who truly cares for your wellbeing will nurture and protect all sides of you, but I urge my girls to be wary of terrified boys masked as men because they care not for your tears.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

The Joys of Turning 30…

11 Aug 2019 No Comments

I remember growing up looking at time, selecting certain age milestones and agonising over how far away I was from grasping at womanhood. Although I thoroughly embraced being a child I used to look at my older sister enjoying the freedom of being a teenager eagerly anticipating my turn. That was until my 28th birthday, that gloomy 30th year appeared to be rapidly closing in on me and I found myself pleading with God to reason with father time and restore me to the carefree 15-year-old who’s biggest worry was finding an excuse for why she hadn’t completed her Science homework.

Now the time has arrived and I can say that it has been the most refreshing experience of my life to date. For those who already know me and are reading this are probably currently laughing as you all tried to explain this to me, I sincerely apologise as I was hiding my pain through my jokes about your older age. But I know that there are some 20 somethings out there due to turn 30 and are having severe anxiety over the impending event just like I did, I spent so much time over analysing it when I could have really been appreciating it all. I felt compelled to discuss this as it would be totally ignorant of me to have this fountain of understanding without passing it on, so here are my favourite things about turning 30;

woman wearing grey long sleeved top photography — Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels.com

Clarity of Mind

My 20’s were full of such cloudiness and uncertainty, not knowing what to do or whether what I had decided was the right thing based on the achievements of others or expectations from my parents made, it felt like every decision I made was out of immaturity and lack of knowledge. But when I turned 30 I felt an instantaneous lift that has continued to reassure me that I live and work to my standards, so what others have won’t show itself in my life because we are all walking different paths and will forever reach different outcomes.

photo of woman wearing black shirt — Photo by Nicholas Swatz on Pexels.com

Confidence in Myself

I am such a humble soul and have had such difficulty in believing in my abilities or celebrating my achievements. I spend a lot of my time motivating and encouraging other people to do whatever they set their mind to but didn’t hold myself to those same standards. Turning 30 gave me this air of confidence that assured me that I was capable of all those things I constantly dreamt or thought about doing even when I was a child, it showed me that believing in myself was the missing component to the success I desired and if I keep that thought process I there is nothing I can’t achieve.

shallow focus photography of woman on rock formation — Photo by Jordan Benton on Pexels.com

Birth of the Go-Getter Mentality

I have always had a hustlers ambition, but never have I ever had a thirst for taking many risks. My 20’s were spent always taking the safe route to achieve targets, and although there aren’t many things that I identify as major failures, being 30 has taught me that I really do need to do whatever it takes by any means necessary to ascertain certain goals. And when I look over the success of many millionaires I haven’t come across any that weren’t giving everything that they had towards their dreams, 50% of the work will give you 50% payout.

achievement activity adolescent arms — Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom on Pexels.com

Unwillingness to Give Up

Growing up I considered myself to be pretty invisible, I wasn’t bad enough to hang with the unruly kids and wasn’t smart enough to keep up with the bookworms so pretty much left me in this middle ground of invisibility where very little care was given from others towards my development. It made me feel like really wanted to give up on anything I previously aspired to be because others were unbothered. 30 showed me that I can do whatever I put my mind to despite the setbacks or delays that hinder my progression, it really takes time and hard work to see results and I have to be dedicated to seeing it through despite the support or critique from others.

Renewed Sense of Faith

person hands woman girl — Photo by Public Domain Pictures on Pexels.com

I always believed there was a God and in my late 20’s I built a relationship based on true understanding without influence from others with him, at 30 this alliance has only grown stronger and has been the sole reason for my confidence in ageing. The Bible discusses the 30th year as a time for building your foundation for your life, which means that your 20’s is about exploring and seeking knowledge and developing has allowed me to gain faith in plans not coming together as I see fit. So to all of you that don’t feel you have your vision together by age 25, fear not because life is supposed to be long and prosperous which means goals can take time to come to fruition or show themselves when your focus is elsewhere.

Life is worth embracing and being lived to it’s fullest, sometimes we pressurise ourselves and forget to take one day at a time and live in the moment. It is often negated that we are unable to slow time down or predict how our future will pan out so it is pointless wasting precious moments agonising over what is yet to come. Growing older is definitely a privilege for the opportunity to be alive and make more memories to enjoy, so whether you are turning 18, 25 or 35 just bask in it and let it be.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

My Love Lessons

30 Sep 2018 1 Comment

I thought I had everything figured out when it came to men in my late teens, I remember sitting in our then kitchen on my very quiet and intimate family gathering for my 18th birthday listening to one of my aunt’s give a speech about growing into a woman. She is the realist aunt to touch these roads so this talk definitely included some sexual connotations that my mum wouldn’t dare to mention. But as hilarious and as well as spine-tinglingly cringing that experience was that is not the most memorable part of it.

What really makes me repeatedly facepalm myself were my own thoughts, my theory on relationships was wanting a man that did not involve a lot of work e.g flat pack Ikea type of man. You get all the parts you need, but you have to put it together yourself. I wanted a bespoke man that had all the pieces already together and just required a little polishing or some WD40 to keep the hinges from creaking. Because I was already in tune with the fact that I loved my own space and company (this decision I made after years of having an older sister) me and my boo were going to buy houses next to each other and live separately, so if we ever got sick of the sight of one another we would just go back to our own spaces right?

: Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

Yeeea, I was definitely a naive and antisocial bird. But this theory followed me through University where I had boyfriends and developed “situationships” that I barely had a pinky toes measurement of investment too. They messed around and I didn’t take them seriously, that was the motto.

But all of that changed when I turned 24 and met my now current boyfriend. At the time of meeting him, I was beyond tired of the male species. Nothing was new, exciting or spontaneous so I had a lack of interest in embarking on anything permanent.

Our relationship has been nothing short of rollercoaster full of many twists and turns but one I have been reluctant to get off. I have learned so much about not just other people but also myself. So here are a few things that falling in love has taught me;

Patience is a virtue

I always knew that I had low tolerance levels, probably a result of being in a alliance with my own company for so long. But having to accommodate another person’s thoughts and feelings is a difficult thing to do, even some of the most caring individuals struggle with this. There will be unmeasurable accounts of where your significant other will tap dance on the very last nerve you have left such as leaving their boxers on the bathroom floor even though they know you detest it. Just remember that the union you hope to build is made up of both parties working together, and this won’t work if you are trying to emulate the Bart Simpson strangle technique every time they do something you don’t agree with.

Boy will there be rough days

I was convinced that if you were with the right person then you are less likely to argue, or it will make it easier for the both of you to agree on things in a harmonious manner. Well, we all know how wrong I was and it demonstrated to me that lots of arguments don’t indicate a terrible relationship. The reality is that when 2 individuals join together they will both have different ideas which can of course cause clashes, but what I have learned is that those experiences are teachable moments that allow you to learn what is acceptable or unacceptable for one another.

a-committed-relationship-with-my-wonderful-boyfriend-748x421 — Source: The Frisky

Your partner is an alien!!!

If you thought you knew your beau you are sadly mistaken, there will be a moment down the line into your bond that you will look at your better half as if you are just now meeting them for the very first time. Relationships take time to master and the getting to know period is longer than the 6-month honeymoon stage that everyone talks about, within time the novelty of new love wears off and things are revealed that you never expected. Don’t be alarmed this is what you signed up for, it’s just the fine print of the T’s & C’s we all hate to look through.

Don’t lose yourself

Sometimes it feels like getting into a relationship puts you into this impenetrable bubble, it’s like when you are together nothing else matters. Before you and your significant other came together you had friends, hobbies, career choices etc. and none of this should change because you have made an addition to your life. I have found that it is very easy to get so wrapped up in the confines of your love, that it is easy to forget about all of the things that made you happy prior to this person entering your life. In order for relationships to be successful it requires a lot of work, never the less do not forget that you are also a work in progress that depends upon vast amounts of TLC in order for you to flourish and be the best you can be for yourself not just for someones else.

man holding baby s breath flower in front of woman standing near marble wall — Photo by vjapratama on Pexels.com

Love makes you different

Everything you said you would never do will rear its ugly head in so many different ways at unexpected moments it will have you wondering if your body has been taken over by foreign agents. For example, I used to despise public displays of affection. I would be cowering in my seat whenever I would catch a sight of a couple sucking face in plain sight, the sounds would make me seeth. But I now shamelessly hold hands, kiss and cuddle bae in a variety of different places like there is no one around. So never say you won’t do something because love will show you just how wrong you were.

Falling in love has been life changing, I wouldn’t change the trials and tribulations that I have been through in these last 4 years. /even at my lowest moments I have dried my tear stained face and smiled at the lesson each adversity has produced and I look forward to learning much more.