Friends Archives - Diary of a Lost Soul

Life is a Struggle

27 Oct 2019 No Comments

Lately, I have been going through some heavy stuff, I feel like being in your 30’s is just as confusing and troubling as going through your teenage experience at times. Between relationships, career battles and watching some of your lifelong dreams crash down right on top of you the mental ware fare involved in picking up the pieces is real! Now I don’t want to dump on anyone or contradict myself because I truly have been enjoying this period of my life, but I am currently the most confident I have been and in turn it has strengthened my abilities to navigate such hardships.

Growing up I was always taught that if I remained focused and worked to the best of my abilities I would reap the rewards that I deserved, so I applied this ideology to all aspects of my life in perfect assurance that I would achieve all that I desired as I have always exceeded giving 100% towards any of my endeavours. No, I am not a millionaire, CEO of a major corporation or even halfway through the list of aspirations I have, but I am genuinely beyond impressed with the personal growth I have made over the years. And I think this is where this theory stops having any effect and the struggle begins.

close up photo of a woman — Photo by Marlon Schmeiski on Pexels.com

By the time I started embarking on my womanhood I was oozing independence and had the world at my feet, self-confessed control freak who could pull all the strings to my expectations and I was totally enthralled by it. But this all changed about five years ago when I got into my first ever serious relationship, it’s funny how that was the kickstarter to what began to show me that no matter what I do sometimes things will not always go the way I hope and that life is full to the brim of hardships that are difficult to navigate . The thought alone of not having the power over how things were governed was devastating enough, but then also realising that no matter how much effort I put in to steer away from certain eventualities it had no little to no effect. This threw me right off course and showed me there is no simple method of achieving what you want. At this point, everything that I used to have domination over initiated a take over on me at once including career, loss of friendships and just general life downs causing me to feel like my whole world was being shell shocked by despair.

After a shed load of tears and a few depressive states later I have come out of my pit and emerged with the understanding that life is never easy despite what people may say or try show you it will always be a struggle, and no matter how much money you earn or accolades you achieve there will always be something that will be waiting just to knock you off your totem pole. I wish that this was something that was shared with me during my formative years because I would have been saved from a load of heartache, but the minute I finally soaked that understanding in it stopped me from feeling so low about the problems of the world. I don’t want to be cliche and put the downfall of such theories on the shoulders of social media, but I definitely believe that there are a lack of truth-tellers sharing their losses in life and reassuring us all that nobody ever goes throughout their journey winning every fight they sign up for.

woman smiling — Photo by Vinicius Wiesehofer on Pexels.com

What I am trying to say is don’t be stunned when you find yourself on a path that you didn’t see coming it is totally normal and EVERYONE goes through this, welcome it and don’t let it knock you off your hustle. My favourite quote for 2019 that has helped me continue through my strife comes from the great Nipsey Hussle “The game will test you, never fold, stay ten toes down”. Life is a struggle but we can all make our way through it.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

He Cares Not For Your Tear’s Sis

18 Aug 2019 No Comments

From the tender age of about 5 or 6, I remember being told “crying is for babies”, as I evolved in age it changed to “crying is a weakness”. As much as my weekly counselling sessions vehemently refute the latter statement I agree with it to a certain degree, crying is a valid emotion that should be as freely released as anger, happiness or sadness. But there is one instance in which I will never share this emotion and that is in front of an uncaring man.

Now, I know some of my fellow sisters might strongly disagree with me and retort “so you won’t ever cry in front of your boyfriend or husband” and the answer is yes, I sure will. And the reason for this is because I would hope that the above mentioned would not be anyone who wished any less than the best for me. My use for the term ‘uncaring man’ defines a dude who has wronged you and fails to demonstrate any type of remorse towards the pain he has or may have caused you by his actions. Why such a militant response to another’s actions you ask?

photo of a person leaning on wooden window — Photo by Dương Nhân on Pexels.com

Both men and women are emotional beings, but I believe regardless of whether women show it our actions are more likely to be fuelled by the emotion we are experiencing within that moment. I am a hibernator of mine, so they are usually stored inside laying dormant until they are unleashed by a situation or a person that has either made me deeply sad or triggered the inferno sized blaze within me. Crying is probably one of the most vulnerable points for any individual, so it makes me infuriated to the highest degree when I see a woman reveal some of the most sacred parts of herself to a man who clearly sees this not as a bearing of her soul but an annoyance or waste of his time.

In the last few years, studies have eluded to the therapeutic elements of crying. (Psychology Today 2010) discusses the health benefits of tears in regards to our emotional state, It mentions emotional tears containing stress hormones and toxins that are released when we cry and also stimulate the release of endorphins which are natural painkillers.

I always advise any woman I consider dear to me not to cry in front of men for many reasons;

Men hate and are afraid of a woman’s tears
They cannot always comprehend the emotion behind the action
It makes them uncomfortable
They will say anything (lie) to make it stop
They see them as a weapon against them

blonde hair blur daylight environment — Photo by Sebastian Voortman on Pexels.com

Now I see crying as a therapeutic activity, not only do I psychologically feel freed after a Kim Kardashian style ugly crying face sob but those tight knots I always noticed but failed to see loosen as if an instant calm rushes over my body like the ending of a storm. This feeling of euphoria is only disturbed when the emotions you are sharing are not reciprocated or at least empathised. We have the right to be vulnerable in public as it is a method of healing for us, but that moment of clarity is stolen from us when the person we choose to share it with demonstrates that it has no place in their lives.

Our sister circles, therapists, family even co-workers can offer a stronger source of counsel than a retaliated “it’s not that deep”. Expose yourself to the people that will offer you support within moments where you require love and attention, not criticise or ridicule some of your most painful and sacred expressions. By no means am I encouraging us females to be fearful of showing emotions as it is healthy to release them because a man who truly cares for your wellbeing will nurture and protect all sides of you, but I urge my girls to be wary of terrified boys masked as men because they care not for your tears.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

My Love Lessons

30 Sep 2018 1 Comment

I thought I had everything figured out when it came to men in my late teens, I remember sitting in our then kitchen on my very quiet and intimate family gathering for my 18th birthday listening to one of my aunt’s give a speech about growing into a woman. She is the realist aunt to touch these roads so this talk definitely included some sexual connotations that my mum wouldn’t dare to mention. But as hilarious and as well as spine-tinglingly cringing that experience was that is not the most memorable part of it.

What really makes me repeatedly facepalm myself were my own thoughts, my theory on relationships was wanting a man that did not involve a lot of work e.g flat pack Ikea type of man. You get all the parts you need, but you have to put it together yourself. I wanted a bespoke man that had all the pieces already together and just required a little polishing or some WD40 to keep the hinges from creaking. Because I was already in tune with the fact that I loved my own space and company (this decision I made after years of having an older sister) me and my boo were going to buy houses next to each other and live separately, so if we ever got sick of the sight of one another we would just go back to our own spaces right?

: Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

Yeeea, I was definitely a naive and antisocial bird. But this theory followed me through University where I had boyfriends and developed “situationships” that I barely had a pinky toes measurement of investment too. They messed around and I didn’t take them seriously, that was the motto.

But all of that changed when I turned 24 and met my now current boyfriend. At the time of meeting him, I was beyond tired of the male species. Nothing was new, exciting or spontaneous so I had a lack of interest in embarking on anything permanent.

Our relationship has been nothing short of rollercoaster full of many twists and turns but one I have been reluctant to get off. I have learned so much about not just other people but also myself. So here are a few things that falling in love has taught me;

Patience is a virtue

I always knew that I had low tolerance levels, probably a result of being in a alliance with my own company for so long. But having to accommodate another person’s thoughts and feelings is a difficult thing to do, even some of the most caring individuals struggle with this. There will be unmeasurable accounts of where your significant other will tap dance on the very last nerve you have left such as leaving their boxers on the bathroom floor even though they know you detest it. Just remember that the union you hope to build is made up of both parties working together, and this won’t work if you are trying to emulate the Bart Simpson strangle technique every time they do something you don’t agree with.

Boy will there be rough days

I was convinced that if you were with the right person then you are less likely to argue, or it will make it easier for the both of you to agree on things in a harmonious manner. Well, we all know how wrong I was and it demonstrated to me that lots of arguments don’t indicate a terrible relationship. The reality is that when 2 individuals join together they will both have different ideas which can of course cause clashes, but what I have learned is that those experiences are teachable moments that allow you to learn what is acceptable or unacceptable for one another.

a-committed-relationship-with-my-wonderful-boyfriend-748x421 — Source: The Frisky

Your partner is an alien!!!

If you thought you knew your beau you are sadly mistaken, there will be a moment down the line into your bond that you will look at your better half as if you are just now meeting them for the very first time. Relationships take time to master and the getting to know period is longer than the 6-month honeymoon stage that everyone talks about, within time the novelty of new love wears off and things are revealed that you never expected. Don’t be alarmed this is what you signed up for, it’s just the fine print of the T’s & C’s we all hate to look through.

Don’t lose yourself

Sometimes it feels like getting into a relationship puts you into this impenetrable bubble, it’s like when you are together nothing else matters. Before you and your significant other came together you had friends, hobbies, career choices etc. and none of this should change because you have made an addition to your life. I have found that it is very easy to get so wrapped up in the confines of your love, that it is easy to forget about all of the things that made you happy prior to this person entering your life. In order for relationships to be successful it requires a lot of work, never the less do not forget that you are also a work in progress that depends upon vast amounts of TLC in order for you to flourish and be the best you can be for yourself not just for someones else.

man holding baby s breath flower in front of woman standing near marble wall — Photo by vjapratama on Pexels.com

Love makes you different

Everything you said you would never do will rear its ugly head in so many different ways at unexpected moments it will have you wondering if your body has been taken over by foreign agents. For example, I used to despise public displays of affection. I would be cowering in my seat whenever I would catch a sight of a couple sucking face in plain sight, the sounds would make me seeth. But I now shamelessly hold hands, kiss and cuddle bae in a variety of different places like there is no one around. So never say you won’t do something because love will show you just how wrong you were.

Falling in love has been life changing, I wouldn’t change the trials and tribulations that I have been through in these last 4 years. /even at my lowest moments I have dried my tear stained face and smiled at the lesson each adversity has produced and I look forward to learning much more.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

We Know, Women Are Trash Too!

21 Mar 2018 No Comments

Source: Complex

I promise you if I hear about or see one more dude cry over another story from social media about a conniving female who has been caught out for cheating I am going to lose every one of my God given Marbles.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do not condone cheating at all it is definitely completely wrong under all circumstances. And I am of the sound understanding that if you feel like you aren’t getting what you need from your relationship be it reasonable or just damn right weird you should either discuss it with your partner or end the union. But as a woman growing and beginning to relate to the world I have been lied to, cheated on and just all out disrespected by the opposite sex in ways that should really put me off dating for the rest of my life and stewing in my celibacy.

Okay by now you guys have grasped that I am a drama Queen, but the point I am making is that these experiences have surely made me apprehensive about taking men as seriously as they would like me too.

As of late, I have noticed that men outing women for their infidelities has become a very public and common trend on social media platforms such as Twitter and Instagram. Men have been coming out in what appears to be the droves of acts of solidarity exposing women who have been caught in the act with another man or woman. Now, I repeat I do not agree with scandals such as cheating but this is something that has been happening to women around me and all over the world for as long as I can remember, and whenever I have witnessed it being discussed from our point of view it is ridiculed or palmed off as some twisted right of passage. As if the only thing to do in these situations is to dust yourself off and get back in the game otherwise your ovaries will dry all the way up searching for that perfect man that will never exist. So I am struggling to understand why it should be only be classified as Satans handiwork when it happens to men.

Every time I pose situations such as this to males in my company I often get given the same spiel explaining how different it is for them, how disrespected they feel by the women who deceive them because some of these men really look after the lady in question. They buy them expensive gifts and let them know that the bond that they have differs to that of any other woman and it ends in them feeling exploited.

But what I wanna know is, were you feeling this same level of betrayal when you went out on a lads night and watched your best friend take that girl’s number? Will you keep that same energy when you are bantering in the group chat about how many times you had sexual relations with the local bicycle from around the way and your long-term girlfriend still stays loyal?

Unfortunately, men and women are judged by differing standards in life. Clearly, it is acceptable in societies eyes for a young man growing up to sow his royal oats in as many pastures as he possibly can, whereas to a young woman heartbreak and consistent rebuilding of yourself from the damage caused is created to make you stronger. Plus do it in silence because it is a complete annoyance to hear you all loudly waiting to exhale all over the timeline.

Cheating is a form of disloyalty and dishonesty and any gender is susceptible to being treated with this level of betrayal. Life will throw things at you that a manual has never been written about and tell you to handle it, and everyone has a damn right to be pissed about it. But one person’s pain does not trump another, we should all be exempt from having to constantly combat this pain because respect should be renowned especially when building a relationship.

Karma is a terrible thing that strikes when you least expect it, so we should all be treating others how we feel we would deserve. And I know it appears to some as brotherly to support your homeboy when his girl raises the alarm again about that female that persistently likes all his Instagram posts within a 10-minute time frame. But at the end of the day wouldn’t you want someone to be checked by a nearest and dearest if the shoe was on the other foot.

What I am saying is do unto others as you would have them do unto you, because you never know when it is your turn to be the next cheating scandal on the timeline. My advice; listen to Drake, build a bridge and get over it… quietly😁

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Guidance From a Bruised Soul

14 Mar 2018 No Comments

If there is anything that I have learned from the last few months, is that life will throw millions of curve balls at you and you can either make every attempt to try and catch them all or get pelted like a bad comedy act.

I have always been told and have at times taken a good look in the mirror and repeated “damn girl you are strong”, but some things that happen in your life will really hit you in ways that can make drastic changes to the way you think and feel about yourself and what you’re even doing with your life.

I was always confident that I had a strong hold on my future, and after losing my Grandfather who was very dear to me and my family at the end of 2017 I was uberly optimistic about 2018 commencing. I did all the work, I was positive and what I had planned for the year was to be nothing shy of greatness. 30 days into the first month I was struck with another bout of devastation when my 4-year relationship came to an abrupt and shocking end leaving me stunned, confused and pessimistic about all the things I had put in place to happen for me.

I felt as if the reality that had been created for me was a terrible joke all at my expense. These 2 life-changing events left me in a dark place that I had always heard of but was sure that someone of my demeanor was unable to reach. I mean I could achieve anything I wanted, I truly exuded the definition of hard work so how could my whole world be falling down right in front of my eyes. If you are an avid follower of my blog I rarely admire my physical appearance but it is something that I live with and overall I am happy with myself. But after everything that had happened, I struggled to look at myself in the mirror often internally thinking horrible thoughts about the person I had painstakingly taken 28 years to love. I would get dressed up to the nines for an event and still pull myself to pieces. I hated myself, I felt so low that I stopped taking my friends calls because explaining all of the negative events that had happened felt like reliving it all over again and plus how does one feel their best when discussing their failures.

Whilst sitting in my cave at home in deep hiding I began to think about all the things that my elders had taught me, my mum always gave me the notion that if I work hard I will be able to reap all the benefits later on in life. No shade momma, I love ya but that was the biggest misconception of all time. We do not control this life, we own it but we have no clue on what adventures it will take us on.

Someone once told me that when people make plans God laughs, and remembering this quote is what pulled me out of my bubble of despair because we cannot see where we are going so how can we expect for our future to be executed exactly the way we dream it. Now, young budding representatives of the future do not look at this and think that I am telling you to throw all your vision boards and goals in the trash and dance like the wind. But do better than I did and accept that although we may have control over our destiny we do not have authority over what route it takes us on to get there. That course can be smooth sailing like a beautiful cruise to the Caribbean or it can be rough and choppy like a Robinson Crusoe inspired trek, but that journey is a vital part of your story.

Through all this pain and angst, I am now letting my toughest experiences be my best lessons and take my finger off the control freak button. Go with the flow a lil and not let anything knock me off my hustle, what doesn’t kill me can only make me stronger.

So do not get all stuck up in planning your whole lives to a tee, life is full of exciting twists and turns and when we focus on being control freaks we fail to see the lessons that our plunders and faux pas are created to teach us.

Remember, falling on your face is not the issue. it is how long it takes you to get back up.

With love, tears and big bottle of rum

Rea😘

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Men Are Trash

7 Dec 2017 No Comments

Source: Zilla Ansa

Men are trash… yeeeea I bloody said it, MEN ARE TRASH!!!

I am pretty sure the few men that are drawn to my blog are going to either unsubscribe or just literally disregard me and my efforts but I am sorry but it is the damn truth.

Before anyone gets excited and starts calling me bitter and lonely you are so wrong because I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years, this will probably lead you to say “ohhh then your man probably continually cheats on you. Wrong 2 times, but as the world is constantly drawn to the idea that the biggest demise of relationships stems from infidelity for me I strongly disagree.

I personally believe that the biggest betrayal are the lies that are told to women by men in order to obtain their faith and trust in the person she is supposed to love, and I am not talking little meaningless ones I mean the soul shattering ones that make you question whether you even know the person you share your world with. Relationships are supposed to be all about a partnership, 2 people learning and growing together as one. But what I usually find is that one person is ready to progress and assist the union in going from strength to strength, whereas the other individual drags their feet and takes the scenic route on development. Judging by the title of this post I think you can guess that the latter is our faithful brothers. Social media is littered with boys masked as men who appear to aspire to be Kings in training but are really yet to enrol on the course. Sharing stories of how they will take care of their family and be a pillar of support, and then when the opportunity is put before them they cower and refuse to take all the responsibilities that come with having a seat at that table.

Statistics and life have proven that women mature faster than men and I definitely agree, but I feel that this cliche statement has given an excuse to the up and coming men that has allowed for neglect towards the exact same people they claim to unconditionally care for. Men and women are exact opposites in so many ways, some very positive and others extremely destructive to any kind of relationship they attempt to build. But I find that women tend to be givers, when we find someone that we are devoted to our entire soul is bared to that individual with no holds barred. Some of us are willing to give everything we physically and spiritually own if it is at the betterment of our other half, even if it meant that there was nothing left for ourselves. Whereas men can be the selfish takers and suckers of all of that positive energy that is given to the relationship, with very little given back for replenishment. They rarely recognise that this behaviour is detrimental to the bond, even when the woman that they dubbed their Queen stands before them to express their anguish it can often be brushed of as moaning or mediocre.

lucy-advice-booth — Source: Active Endurance

This being said, even though I believe men are trash I partly blame the women myself included. We constantly put up with the poor standards that are given to us, hoping that in a few years the light bulb in that dusty empty attic of a mind of theirs will turn on and change will occur over night. I have a massive disdain for getting advice from the wrong people and I severely consider my source when I ask for relationship council, so I mainly speak to my mother about matters of the heart. And even she gives me the spiel of “you know men are slower than women to develop” blah, blah, blah. Where I respect and agree with her point of view, I refuse to accept this as an acceptable reason for the other sexes inability to grow and step up as another half. I think as individuals despite our gender we should be able to look at ourselves and assess if the behaviour that we are exuding is beneficial to what it is that we are trying to achieve, be it in a relationship or just in regards to progression throughout life. While the reality of it all is that if your foot is not all the way up their ass on a regular basis, you are stuck with original model no 2.0.

Okay that is frustrated me talking, but I think we as women with valid needs should be speaking up about what levels of support we need early on to get the best out of our relationships. If there is anything men consistently do, it’s express their contempt for something that their girlfriend does from putting on that colourful headscarf every night to struggling to decide what type of food she wants on cheat day. Trust me we hear about it so why can we not do the same?

I am a person that puts everything into anything that I do, and when I love it is with full force. And if there are any women who are like me out there, you are way past tired of being given the role of mother way before your time especially when it means bringing up grown ass men who should be in at least the post graduate stages of advancement in life. I like other women are not looking for the unrealistic standard of the perfect man or even a finished product, and I am of the understanding that each individual needs their personal time and space to grow. But when the other piece of the puzzle doesn’t put in the same amount of effort as their counter part it makes it difficult to believe in them or what they claimed to offer.

So to all the lost boys who think they are future worthy heads of their household, step up and be open to change. Always aspire to give the woman that you love all that she will ever need, not just what you feel is possible for you to give. And to my fellow sisters, I challenge all of you to rebuke the curse of the fuck boy. Do your best Beyonce infused roar and assess what it is that you need from the opposite sex be it a husband, boyfriend or even better potential partner. Our role as women is always being explained as the teacher and nurturer of young men who will soon become our Kings and nurturing is not another term for sticking it through because eventually it will turn out to pay off. Speak out about the things that are unacceptable for you and set your demands, when they can’t give you what you know you deserve let him know or set your sights on a candidate that is willing to meet you half way. Because trust me, as much as society enforces it there is no book written or unwritten that condemns us as a gender to suffer.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

The Trouble With Friendship

16 Oct 2017 No Comments

“Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
― Oprah Winfrey

During the summer months most social media platforms are cascaded with what the new age has dubbed “Squad Goals”, these tend to be photos of what seems to be groups of girls who appear to be the best of friends often dressed alike or in coincidental poses of spontaneous laughter.

Each time I come across one of these posts I perpetually question it’s legitimacy, because we all know Instagram is well known for projecting a lavish lifestyle on a paupers tale. But it also forces me to look at myself and think “if they can do it, bitch why can’t you keep a friend?”

This was a problem that has stuck to me like a plague all of my life. For years I have been a prominent member of a lot of girl cliques that have gone bad and have always ended with an epic standoff that breaks the bestie clad contract.

Before anyone gets slick and wants the point the finger at me I have one disclaimer that will put all of that to rest, I have a vast amount of friends that have known me for a very long time and we have never had a single quarrel, but they are all of the guys.

*Queues all the sausage fest jokes* No! they are like brothers to me and we literally have platonic friendships that never have and never will have any extra added agreements, but keeping a compadre of the same gender just seems to be a goal I struggle to reach.

I deem myself to be a quite an inclusive person, and growing up I always just wanted friends around me, maybe it was from the books I was reading or an overdose of Spice Girls albums but I always envisioned having a large group of girlfriends that support each other you know girl power!!! So when I was unable to achieve this it was a massive disappointment to me every time and I found some of the reasosns why there have been is oamny breakups is because;

I am too outspoken
We are at different stages in life
Backstabbing, backstabbing, backstabbing
Lack of support
I’m “jealous” of them
The guy she is besotted with (and I never wanted) told me he likes me instead
I am too harsh
Betrayal

In my younger years I internally beat myself up over some of these reasons and began to lose trust in ever being able to fit in with a group of girls or really have a female friend that would generally want the best without the cattiness.

Growing up, gaining new life experiences and even embarking on my own business venture has given me brand new perspectives on the kinds of people I have in my life changed all of this for me and I stopped feeling guilty and also didn’t feel like the vehement bitch that I can often be portrayed to be when I decide a specific individual is not a good fit for my aura.

I think the reality of the situation is that you are the CEO of your own life and just like a business, relationships that can be detrimental to what the ethos is; and those that are have to be broken so that the company can flourish. What I learnt from these social media posts is all is not what it seems, behind alot of these #BestFriendGoals pictures are a bunch lost women who at times may feel as displaced both you and I or just genrally don’t even like eachother

So now I create my own standards and stick by them without being apologetic, I know exactly what I need in my inner circle in order to stay just as positive, motivated, real and as ratchet as I love to be. You get first dibs on deciding who gets to be in your space and who doesn’t make the cut, and if said collective happens to be small or has a specific gender roll with it. Just because your Instagram feed doesn’t look as aesthetically pleasing in the buddy department doesn’t mean you are not likeable or unable to hold down a clique.

Remember that there aren’t enough seats at the table for everyone to sit with you.