Men Archives - Diary of a Lost Soul

The Journey to Philautia

17 May 2021 1 Comment

Philautia is the ancient Greek word for self-love, it is a term that is often used amongst the millennial culture meaning to tend to your own needs and wellbeing without sacrificing yourself for the pleasure of others. But I struggle to see evidence of how it demonstrated well despite the copious use of bubble baths, and solo trips around the world it makes me wonder do we really love ourselves as much as we say we do?

I think we can all agree that we are probably our worst enemies, no matter what someone can say or do to us we have probably done worse. It doesn’t mean that we despise every living and breathing thing about ourselves but spend a lot of time being self-critical about most of the things we do which builds a very undesirable picture of self. Team that with the distorted and hateful views of society and you get one big ball of self-destruction. The pandemic taught me that I am incredulously mean and disregarding of myself, from pushing myself to the absolute limit career-wise, not to mention the relationship between me and my body, I have heavily supported in turning myself into someone I wouldn’t want to spend time with alone.

As a blogger and avid reader of personal development informed texts, I become enraged when the latest portions encouraging me to love myself are concluded with the concept that taking a bath, regular face masks or booking a spa weekend will make me feel better about myself. I am a hard worker, so to gain some control and balance over my life I would play hard with my besties mainly on the raw streets of Shoreditch on the weekends living my best alcohol filled life, sleeping it off until Monday, then trudging it through a hectic work week all over again. When the earth stood still in the name of a virus, combined with a breakup from a long-term relationship (we will get to this one in another post) I was left with none of my crutches to distract me from the lacklustre life I was leading. The silence was deafening, and it was within those moments that I knew that there was nothing else left to do but tackle those deep dark parts of my mind that I had compartmentalised for so long, and no bubble bath brand had the strength to cure those.

Now, I don’t want to throw shade at anyone who uses any of the above-mentioned methods to take care of themselves as I agree that they serve a purpose. But what I argue is that they don’t truly heal us, it is like putting a plaster over your pain it has very little effect including the fact that we don’t all have the revenue to regularly engage in these activities the minute our mood drops. The biggest part of self-care is the inner work, the things that warm our soul so we feel good from the inside out. It has taken a stint in counselling, implementing food and lifestyle change, journaling and prayer to support the journey to truly show the love to myself I truly deserve. I can’t pinpoint when I jumped on the self-hate train but it really embedded itself within my teen years, and I realised undoing that level of indoctrination worthies more than a few packets of Superdrug’s finest face masks. I spent a lot of time loving other people in a way that I should’ve been loving myself, and until I got real and faced the hard truths about life, I was unable to feel comfortable in my own skin.

So, I challenge you all to take a leap and dig deep into your souls. Those thoughts that randomly resurface, embrace them, name them and take care of them. Show the kindness you give to others to yourself at your most difficult times, and most important of all learn what true love is, what you are giving out so freely to others must be given to yourself first… then run and tell me how soothing that bubble bath really was?

Diary OF a Lost Soul

We Didn’t Need Designers We Needed Guidance

20 Oct 2019 No Comments

Over the years I have struggled to understand why men and women are so different, in my younger years I was convinced that the only thing that separated the genders were body parts but sometimes it feels as if we are so far apart we live on different planets. I thought that it started making a lot more sense to me and I had finally figured out the Pythagoras theorem type code, but then I moved in with my long-term boyfriend and that showed me that there are some serious levels to this game we call love and war. I definitely wouldn’t say I have my life figured out because we don’t own this life so have no idea where it will take us, but I plan and when my plans lead me towards a different destination I re-route just like a Satnav would and continue on because if not I would freak out and be lost. How I got to this profound way of living you ask, lots of failed attempts at life (I mean lots), understanding that I cannot control all aspects of my life, getting closer to my faith and most important having positive role models to guide me in the right direction.

And upon deep reflection, I think this is the main factor that divides the 2 genders. I love Wretch 32 who is renowned for speaking his mind about issues relating to culture, colourism and community differences. On his project FR32 he has a song called Thugs Prayer which depicts people within their moments of weakness seeking support from higher beings. A line in the track reads “we didn’t need designers we needed guidance” and I believe it really explains where some of the difficulty lies. When I talk to the different males around me the common missing factor is always guidance and the lack of role models around them in the formative years of their lives. Although a lot of them are surrounded by many friends and influences that could have a positive impact, the ethos of nurturing and teaching is not always seen as compulsory for their development.

blur cartography close up concept — Photo by slon_dot_pics on Pexels.com

My background is nowhere near privileged, I come from a single-parent home with an absentee father and attended a school in Hackney. Not the hipster loving, bicycle riding Hackney we see now but the much rougher and more abandoned Hackney. I could have been very different from what I am today, but what gave me a chance was the morals and values instilled in me from as long as I can remember from my mother. She was a hardworking woman with 2 young girls she knew needed to have the knowledge and education on their sides to succeed in this tough world and made it her priority to do so. I find that Boys are not given that opportunity, they are often left to their own devices to figure things out for themselves or are fed the idea that their main focus is about making enough money, so they can stunt on others with high-class designers and use that to get the attention of other women.

Life is deep, meaningful and incredibly hard, so in order to win at it takes conscious teachings from elders and personal reflection. My constant gripe as a woman and a girlfriend is that it has been put out into the world that the shortcomings of men are to be accepted by us as they require more time to grow. Time is for sure is a mentor and a healer, but how can they change their ways when there are no mechanisms in place to aid or apply pressure in order for it to become a requirement and not a suggestion? For us to become the best versions of ourselves we have to be answerable to something and I have found that lessons taught to young girls is more about how to enable a man, but no lessons for boys on how to become pillars of their communities, or the responsibility of guidance that will be bestowed upon them within their latter years.

alphabet class conceptual cube — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

For anything to be different the narrative needs to be changed, it needs to be a priority for men to be mentored throughout life and made accountable for their weaknesses and faults as well as being celebrated for being providers for their families so that those teachings can be shared with those coming up after them. I for one am tired of watching our young boys fall victim to the cold streets who have nothing to offer them but false pretences and pain. Prosperity is beautiful and something we all hope for, but lessons are learnt better with love and nurturing at the forefront.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Don’t Be a Lazy Woman

8 Sep 2019 2 Comments

As I was scrolling through Twitter AKA the platform for re-occurring and jarring debates, the discussion of finances and which gender was responsible for paying the rent was roused. I was beyond shocked and astounded to see the volume of women vehemently promoting that it is their husbands/partners sole duty to pay full rent or mortgage payments renouncing their culpability to contribute to their household, offering a small portion towards household bills. Now I caught wind of this conversation real late, but you know I was heated because it is mind-boggling how after so many years of women fighting for equal rights to education and to just be treated like normal citizens this is the ideology we are subscribing to?

I come from a family where the majority is female, and I attended an all girl secondary school (worst experience of my life but we’ll get into that in another post) so I have had a lot of experience, and what I have noticed is that sometimes we can become spoilt and entitled. Lots of us growing up were pampered and called princesses our whole lives and rightly so, but it can go straight to our heads which could remove all sense of our obligation and purpose within relationships and the families we aim to build. The current economic status of the country does not support young adults to exercise their right to independence, so this means most Millenials are forced to lodge with their parents in their childhood homes causing this pampered theory to reside within their minds and become their way of living. And realistically when your own parents are encouraging you to opt-out of the terms included with becoming an adult such as contributing to bills or household rent, what makes anyone want to continue that when you move out?

Image result for strong black family — Source: The Urban Source Magazine

Growing up I was surrounded by such independent women and hardworking people that I had no choice for it to be ingrained into me. Early on into my 20’s I was rushed into living an independent life prior to getting into a relationship and living with my boyfriend. The ability to provide and look after myself added to my self-esteem, I felt proud that I could sustain my lifestyle and it helped me grow as a woman. I was aware of what was a necessity vs the things I just wanted to acquire, and having a partner to support me through this transitional period of my life has only enhanced this understanding and given me the opportunity add to the lifestyle as the responsibility is now shared. I know people get tired of hearing it but as we know our ancestors fought many battles to gain equality for women, despite the lives that were lost this is not a war that is over. Day after day we continue to debate over matters that desire for us to be protected at all cost and it makes me more than upset to see it be thrown away by our own kind with selfish remarks that only preserve us that right to continue to save money to wear labels and have copious amounts of Peruvian bundles.

Might I also add that it has been a known fact finances are one of the major reasons for breakdowns in marriages and relationships, in 2018 The Independent reported on research conducted by Slater and Gordon legal firm which found that difficulties with money were the main reason for a third of divorce petitions made. So clearly it is a crucial element for both parties to pull their weight in regards to maintaining financial commitments as the progression of relationships are at stake. Money matters should be discussed and agreed on and as long as both parties are happy with the decisions and that they are fair then so be it, but there is no gender denomination that should stipulate household responsibilities.

three women taking selfie — Photo by Christopher Boyd on Pexels.com

We are all capable of taking care of ourselves and relationships are a support mechanism for that, not a crutch that can be used when it suits someone. The same pressure we talk about laid upon us to put aside our careers to be mothers is the same burden placed upon men when we turn them into cash cows insisting they fund large portions of our lifestyles. Now if the opportunity to be supported financially presents itself then I believe that it can be embraced, what it should not be is exploited or set as a standard that demands one individual take care of another just because. Women are consistently being dragged for being gold diggers by men and when topics such as this arise and I see the responses sometimes I don’t blame them, as our self-centred and prissy ways sometimes get in the way of reality. Being a woman means exuding strength and we shouldn’t allow anything to get in the way of that, we are built to not only take care of ourselves but also others and this is something we should in whatever way possible strive to do. So, in other words, ALWAYS contribute fairly to your lifestyle and don’t be a lazy woman!

Diary OF a Lost Soul

He Cares Not For Your Tear’s Sis

18 Aug 2019 No Comments

From the tender age of about 5 or 6, I remember being told “crying is for babies”, as I evolved in age it changed to “crying is a weakness”. As much as my weekly counselling sessions vehemently refute the latter statement I agree with it to a certain degree, crying is a valid emotion that should be as freely released as anger, happiness or sadness. But there is one instance in which I will never share this emotion and that is in front of an uncaring man.

Now, I know some of my fellow sisters might strongly disagree with me and retort “so you won’t ever cry in front of your boyfriend or husband” and the answer is yes, I sure will. And the reason for this is because I would hope that the above mentioned would not be anyone who wished any less than the best for me. My use for the term ‘uncaring man’ defines a dude who has wronged you and fails to demonstrate any type of remorse towards the pain he has or may have caused you by his actions. Why such a militant response to another’s actions you ask?

photo of a person leaning on wooden window — Photo by Dương Nhân on Pexels.com

Both men and women are emotional beings, but I believe regardless of whether women show it our actions are more likely to be fuelled by the emotion we are experiencing within that moment. I am a hibernator of mine, so they are usually stored inside laying dormant until they are unleashed by a situation or a person that has either made me deeply sad or triggered the inferno sized blaze within me. Crying is probably one of the most vulnerable points for any individual, so it makes me infuriated to the highest degree when I see a woman reveal some of the most sacred parts of herself to a man who clearly sees this not as a bearing of her soul but an annoyance or waste of his time.

In the last few years, studies have eluded to the therapeutic elements of crying. (Psychology Today 2010) discusses the health benefits of tears in regards to our emotional state, It mentions emotional tears containing stress hormones and toxins that are released when we cry and also stimulate the release of endorphins which are natural painkillers.

I always advise any woman I consider dear to me not to cry in front of men for many reasons;

Men hate and are afraid of a woman’s tears
They cannot always comprehend the emotion behind the action
It makes them uncomfortable
They will say anything (lie) to make it stop
They see them as a weapon against them

blonde hair blur daylight environment — Photo by Sebastian Voortman on Pexels.com

Now I see crying as a therapeutic activity, not only do I psychologically feel freed after a Kim Kardashian style ugly crying face sob but those tight knots I always noticed but failed to see loosen as if an instant calm rushes over my body like the ending of a storm. This feeling of euphoria is only disturbed when the emotions you are sharing are not reciprocated or at least empathised. We have the right to be vulnerable in public as it is a method of healing for us, but that moment of clarity is stolen from us when the person we choose to share it with demonstrates that it has no place in their lives.

Our sister circles, therapists, family even co-workers can offer a stronger source of counsel than a retaliated “it’s not that deep”. Expose yourself to the people that will offer you support within moments where you require love and attention, not criticise or ridicule some of your most painful and sacred expressions. By no means am I encouraging us females to be fearful of showing emotions as it is healthy to release them because a man who truly cares for your wellbeing will nurture and protect all sides of you, but I urge my girls to be wary of terrified boys masked as men because they care not for your tears.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Admitting Depression

23 Sep 2018 4 Comments

Avid followers of Cheap Clothes 4 Heauxs would have noticed that I had been unusually quiet for a few months. As much as I often get plagued by the evil demon that is writer’s block, that was not the reason for my hiatus.

I have always been a happy soul, I laugh at just about anything possible. And within my 29 years of life, a lot of things have taken place that on paper really should have made me an inpatient on a psych ward. But between having a strong Mother as a role model and what I can only now put down to as guidance from the Lord I have managed to live somewhat of an unscathed life.

adult art conceptual dark — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Depression is a common mental disorder that causes people to experience low mood, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth, disturbed sleep or appetite, low energy, and poor concentration. (Mental Health Foundation 2018)

Probably one of the most discussed topics of the 21st century, but at the same time a condition I believed I was completely unworthy of. Now when I say this, I mean it in terms of how can someone of my privilege have the audacity to use the term when I have a roof over my head, a stable job, a family to share my troubles with. How can I say that I have suffered from depression when society deems me to not be an individual in turmoil?

2018 has been a year for the record books for me. I have had to deal with my four-year relationship with who I consider the love of my life hanging in the balance, having issues with my family, and not to mention a new job that just didn’t work out how I planned. All of this had completely drained my positivity reserve tank and left me flat out.

woman sleeping — Photo by Ivan Obolensky on Pexels.com

These experiences lead me to suffer from sleepless nights, poor motivation which made me struggle to get out of bed, really low moods, even a small suicidal thought or two and even then I refused to claim that what was happening to me was something I couldn’t easily pull myself out of. Due to the nature of my full-time job it has always been a heavy stressor, but I found within this very dark time that it was my safe haven because work was the only place that I had stability and structure. So I tried to use it as a form of therapy to stay grounded, but it wasn’t until I sat in my managers office to crack a joke and ended up in a flood of uncontrollable tears that I was able to face reality and realise that this wasn’t just a bad day, I couldn’t manage these feelings alone. It was real, I was suffering from a mental health illness.

That moment changed my way of thinking for good. Growing up I was always taught that I had to be strong to get through any difficult time, that dwelling over the situation or labeling it would only prevent me from moving forward from the situation. So I would throw myself into different activities to push myself to progress from it or serve as a distraction. As much as this advice has some merit to it, it is not a permanent fix and what I now believe has in lead me to the cause of my depression.

photo of woman wearing funky dress — Photo by Godisable Jacob on Pexels.com

So I did the exact opposite of my normal process, I assessed all of the issues I was enduring at once and told myself that all the emotions I am feeling were valid. I wasn’t overreacting this was actual trauma. I stopped comparing my suffering to others, and last but not least I said the well-needed words out loud in front of the mirror “Serea, you are depressed”. Once I said those words it was like I was free to feel all the emotions I had locked up inside to cope.

After accepting my state I found that my head became clearer, I found it easier to talk about the emotional disturbance that had taken place inside my head. I cried some more, I got angry and I ate sooo much comfort food, but I was able to understand and manage what was taking place.

photo of woman wearing white top — Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

I would love to end this story by saying that I am now been miraculously healed and probably will never see another low mood again, but the reality is that life comes with its ups and downs so I still live day to day with all these feelings. But being honest with myself and admitting my current position was definitely a great start to being able to manage the internal drama within me, I am far more stable and positive then I was a few months ago and willing to conquer anything that comes my way.

If there is any advice I could give to other people dealing with something similar, it would be that it does not make you less of a person to admit that you have moments of severe weakness. It is okay to seek support for your problems no matter the size of them, and most importantly never give up on yourself because this for sure is not your final form.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

We Know, Women Are Trash Too!

21 Mar 2018 No Comments

Source: Complex

I promise you if I hear about or see one more dude cry over another story from social media about a conniving female who has been caught out for cheating I am going to lose every one of my God given Marbles.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do not condone cheating at all it is definitely completely wrong under all circumstances. And I am of the sound understanding that if you feel like you aren’t getting what you need from your relationship be it reasonable or just damn right weird you should either discuss it with your partner or end the union. But as a woman growing and beginning to relate to the world I have been lied to, cheated on and just all out disrespected by the opposite sex in ways that should really put me off dating for the rest of my life and stewing in my celibacy.

Okay by now you guys have grasped that I am a drama Queen, but the point I am making is that these experiences have surely made me apprehensive about taking men as seriously as they would like me too.

As of late, I have noticed that men outing women for their infidelities has become a very public and common trend on social media platforms such as Twitter and Instagram. Men have been coming out in what appears to be the droves of acts of solidarity exposing women who have been caught in the act with another man or woman. Now, I repeat I do not agree with scandals such as cheating but this is something that has been happening to women around me and all over the world for as long as I can remember, and whenever I have witnessed it being discussed from our point of view it is ridiculed or palmed off as some twisted right of passage. As if the only thing to do in these situations is to dust yourself off and get back in the game otherwise your ovaries will dry all the way up searching for that perfect man that will never exist. So I am struggling to understand why it should be only be classified as Satans handiwork when it happens to men.

Every time I pose situations such as this to males in my company I often get given the same spiel explaining how different it is for them, how disrespected they feel by the women who deceive them because some of these men really look after the lady in question. They buy them expensive gifts and let them know that the bond that they have differs to that of any other woman and it ends in them feeling exploited.

But what I wanna know is, were you feeling this same level of betrayal when you went out on a lads night and watched your best friend take that girl’s number? Will you keep that same energy when you are bantering in the group chat about how many times you had sexual relations with the local bicycle from around the way and your long-term girlfriend still stays loyal?

Unfortunately, men and women are judged by differing standards in life. Clearly, it is acceptable in societies eyes for a young man growing up to sow his royal oats in as many pastures as he possibly can, whereas to a young woman heartbreak and consistent rebuilding of yourself from the damage caused is created to make you stronger. Plus do it in silence because it is a complete annoyance to hear you all loudly waiting to exhale all over the timeline.

Cheating is a form of disloyalty and dishonesty and any gender is susceptible to being treated with this level of betrayal. Life will throw things at you that a manual has never been written about and tell you to handle it, and everyone has a damn right to be pissed about it. But one person’s pain does not trump another, we should all be exempt from having to constantly combat this pain because respect should be renowned especially when building a relationship.

Karma is a terrible thing that strikes when you least expect it, so we should all be treating others how we feel we would deserve. And I know it appears to some as brotherly to support your homeboy when his girl raises the alarm again about that female that persistently likes all his Instagram posts within a 10-minute time frame. But at the end of the day wouldn’t you want someone to be checked by a nearest and dearest if the shoe was on the other foot.

What I am saying is do unto others as you would have them do unto you, because you never know when it is your turn to be the next cheating scandal on the timeline. My advice; listen to Drake, build a bridge and get over it… quietly😁

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Men Are Trash

7 Dec 2017 No Comments

Source: Zilla Ansa

Men are trash… yeeeea I bloody said it, MEN ARE TRASH!!!

I am pretty sure the few men that are drawn to my blog are going to either unsubscribe or just literally disregard me and my efforts but I am sorry but it is the damn truth.

Before anyone gets excited and starts calling me bitter and lonely you are so wrong because I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years, this will probably lead you to say “ohhh then your man probably continually cheats on you. Wrong 2 times, but as the world is constantly drawn to the idea that the biggest demise of relationships stems from infidelity for me I strongly disagree.

I personally believe that the biggest betrayal are the lies that are told to women by men in order to obtain their faith and trust in the person she is supposed to love, and I am not talking little meaningless ones I mean the soul shattering ones that make you question whether you even know the person you share your world with. Relationships are supposed to be all about a partnership, 2 people learning and growing together as one. But what I usually find is that one person is ready to progress and assist the union in going from strength to strength, whereas the other individual drags their feet and takes the scenic route on development. Judging by the title of this post I think you can guess that the latter is our faithful brothers. Social media is littered with boys masked as men who appear to aspire to be Kings in training but are really yet to enrol on the course. Sharing stories of how they will take care of their family and be a pillar of support, and then when the opportunity is put before them they cower and refuse to take all the responsibilities that come with having a seat at that table.

Statistics and life have proven that women mature faster than men and I definitely agree, but I feel that this cliche statement has given an excuse to the up and coming men that has allowed for neglect towards the exact same people they claim to unconditionally care for. Men and women are exact opposites in so many ways, some very positive and others extremely destructive to any kind of relationship they attempt to build. But I find that women tend to be givers, when we find someone that we are devoted to our entire soul is bared to that individual with no holds barred. Some of us are willing to give everything we physically and spiritually own if it is at the betterment of our other half, even if it meant that there was nothing left for ourselves. Whereas men can be the selfish takers and suckers of all of that positive energy that is given to the relationship, with very little given back for replenishment. They rarely recognise that this behaviour is detrimental to the bond, even when the woman that they dubbed their Queen stands before them to express their anguish it can often be brushed of as moaning or mediocre.

lucy-advice-booth — Source: Active Endurance

This being said, even though I believe men are trash I partly blame the women myself included. We constantly put up with the poor standards that are given to us, hoping that in a few years the light bulb in that dusty empty attic of a mind of theirs will turn on and change will occur over night. I have a massive disdain for getting advice from the wrong people and I severely consider my source when I ask for relationship council, so I mainly speak to my mother about matters of the heart. And even she gives me the spiel of “you know men are slower than women to develop” blah, blah, blah. Where I respect and agree with her point of view, I refuse to accept this as an acceptable reason for the other sexes inability to grow and step up as another half. I think as individuals despite our gender we should be able to look at ourselves and assess if the behaviour that we are exuding is beneficial to what it is that we are trying to achieve, be it in a relationship or just in regards to progression throughout life. While the reality of it all is that if your foot is not all the way up their ass on a regular basis, you are stuck with original model no 2.0.

Okay that is frustrated me talking, but I think we as women with valid needs should be speaking up about what levels of support we need early on to get the best out of our relationships. If there is anything men consistently do, it’s express their contempt for something that their girlfriend does from putting on that colourful headscarf every night to struggling to decide what type of food she wants on cheat day. Trust me we hear about it so why can we not do the same?

I am a person that puts everything into anything that I do, and when I love it is with full force. And if there are any women who are like me out there, you are way past tired of being given the role of mother way before your time especially when it means bringing up grown ass men who should be in at least the post graduate stages of advancement in life. I like other women are not looking for the unrealistic standard of the perfect man or even a finished product, and I am of the understanding that each individual needs their personal time and space to grow. But when the other piece of the puzzle doesn’t put in the same amount of effort as their counter part it makes it difficult to believe in them or what they claimed to offer.

So to all the lost boys who think they are future worthy heads of their household, step up and be open to change. Always aspire to give the woman that you love all that she will ever need, not just what you feel is possible for you to give. And to my fellow sisters, I challenge all of you to rebuke the curse of the fuck boy. Do your best Beyonce infused roar and assess what it is that you need from the opposite sex be it a husband, boyfriend or even better potential partner. Our role as women is always being explained as the teacher and nurturer of young men who will soon become our Kings and nurturing is not another term for sticking it through because eventually it will turn out to pay off. Speak out about the things that are unacceptable for you and set your demands, when they can’t give you what you know you deserve let him know or set your sights on a candidate that is willing to meet you half way. Because trust me, as much as society enforces it there is no book written or unwritten that condemns us as a gender to suffer.