I might be might be heavily internalising, but nobody can be more ecstatic to see the back of 2021 than me? (don’t worry guys I am a fully aware subscribing member of Drama Queens Anonymous) But this year has been full of so many disappointments and that is an Aries girl’s deepest nightmare. The thought of having so many plans, ideas, and hopes for the year just to see the majority of them hit the floor quicker than a lead balloon attempting to take flight in the gusty wind has been enough content to fuel the depressive states I have fallen into within the last few months alone.
Anybody who knows me might be reading this with a meme-worthy look on their face, and will probably want to fill me with positive affirmations commending me for what I have achieved within the 2nd year of a pandemic which we still have no control over. And they would be right, despite my disapproval of the year I have had the opportunity to open new doors as well as close some extremely toxic chapters with my mental state remaining intact. Nonetheless, this would be judged against the standards of others and not the high bar criteria I have set for my mere average 5ft 4 height.
A new year is a very cleansing for me, I take pride in washing off the stank from the A new year is a very cleansing time for me. I take pride in washing off the stank from the previous year and aim to walk into new goals powered by aspirations I have pushed away because I never believed I was good enough. I now know after many years of feeling held back by this unknown force from my full potential. Fuck what anyone else thinks. I promise you I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Do not let my passion for idiocy blind you to any of your trusted advisors who have shown fantastic care for your best interests, but sometimes those with whom you share your anxieties and fears can be tainted by their own apprehension or inability to openly take such courageous stances in their own lives that it limits yours.
Lately I have taken some time to sit with myself and I have begun to understand that I Lately, I have taken some time to sit with myself and I have begun to understand that I have an innate fear of trusting myself as a viable advisor. I have spent so much time avidly seeking the approval of others that I discounted my own self-value. It’s funny because I am a trusted advisor for so many that my cup over-runneth with pep talks, words of wisdom and pick me up’s for those I hold dear. Yet when it comes to being able to bring myself out of those lost spaces, those words coming from myself are laced with a Wray & Nephews 63% edge of disappointment never feeling as comforting to myself as they do for others.
I think what I have learned is that we all have this fairy tale complex meaning that somebody is always going to save us, be there as a shoulder to cry on, or just have the answer but this is the biggest lie ever told. When it all comes down to it nobody on this earth will have your back better than you will, and it sounds sad because the world has conditioned us in such a way that we think being alone is a bad thing and this is extremely untrue. Some of my most favourite moments of 2021 have been when I have been alone, be it taking a walk, reading a book in my treasured spot in the park, or in a hotel within a secluded part of the UK for work, I have cherished every second of those moments because my mind has never been clearer. Those dreaded expectations I feel constantly haunted by were a distant memory as I immersed myself in my own thoughts and attended to my emotional state without any distractions.
When I started Diary of a Lost Soul I swore that this would not only be a therapeutic process for myself but because I know I am not alone with these thoughts and feelings. So it is only right that I end this rant with a lesson for 2022. You have always been your biggest cheerleader not that sibling, best friend or partner. You, so spend more time pushing yourself towards all of those ideas you allowed yourself or someone else to talk you out of. The possibilities are endless, and things could go wrong, or they could be extremely worth it. However, you will not know if you never put yourself forward. And if it all hits the fan, stopping blocks are all a part of this great process. Therefore, handle yourself with care so when you meet them you can tend to those bruises with ease. And always remember, nobody can take care of you better than you.
