The Unlikely Role Model: A Conflicted Tale

I often spend my time walking around not paying attention to what I am doing, or where I am going. 9 times out of 10 I am on autopilot, following the route of common pastures so I never truly need to be in full awareness. But it wasn’t until a couple of weekends ago that my nephew forced me to realise, I need to rouse myself from my daze as I am being heavily watched.

I have always owned the position of being the funniest in the family. My anecdotes are performed with perfect precision, guaranteed to get a symphony of laughs from those around me. Although I didn’t birth him, my nephew is a chip off my block. Extremely sensitive and kind, but most importantly everywhere he goes he is the vibe. So when I overheard him put his spin on a term I have only been using for the past 6 years (mainly because he became a parrot whilst learning to speak) “shut the front door” to “close the back door” I realised not only how intently he has been observing me, but how enamoured he has become with this particular part of my character that he wanted to emulate his own version.

It is not the first time that I have come across another biting my style, and it was my nephew whose life examples aren’t exactly wide ranging at this point. But I like to comfortably live in my humility of being that wallflower that enjoys every single one of the perks. My boyfriend always tells me that there is something special about me and that whenever I do something, everyone wants to follow. I usually brush that off as he is biased. The emphatic love he has for me, as well as his deep-rooted attraction, would place me on a pedestal that only Jesus could reach. But no matter where I go or how much I try to remain inconspicuous, I am always picked out to be the trendsetter or spokeswoman as if I was a descendant of the Parks family.

I love inspiring others. That moment of seeing someone hopeless without an answer, to where to go next. And their whole existence changing when you have instilled belief, and faith into them is enough to change the course of my mood throughout any day. I know what it feels like to be left without a paddle. Wading through tepid waters without a navigator is enough to make you surrender and go back to what you know because, despite it being miserable predictable and safe is always better for your central nervous system.

Being a role model has most times left me with uncomfortable feelings as unfortunately for me being scrutinised hasn’t always come with admiration. I have often found that there may be a select group of people basking in the awe they have created around you. But it tends to be a spirit in you that most envy, or try to desecrate. When you are born with an inner light that shines bright, the misery loves company clan swoops in to bring the joy to a close. All of a sudden the screaming crowd gets quiet leaving you all alone to fight the battle they caused.

I have started to come to terms with the fact that you cannot stop your destiny. It is inevitable, you won’t be able to hide in the shadows for very long if your qualities are those that appeal to those looking for light. If anything you have to allow your discernment to lead in deciding whether someone is trying to come up off your style, or is simply inspired by what you bring to the table. Because less face it, being you and standing true to your values and ethics isn’t easy to do. Only those who want to continue the good you put out need your time and attention.

So, here I am, a reluctant influencer. A woman who enjoys her quiet moments but finds herself at the center of attention. It’s a strange dance, this balance between wanting to blend in and the undeniable pull to lead. Perhaps it’s time to embrace this unexpected role with a little more grace. After all, if my light can illuminate even a single path, then maybe the unwanted spotlight isn’t so bad.

(Just to contradict myself, I’m hiding from my neighbor in a cafe as I write this)