I was speaking with my therapist recently and as I recounted the events over the last week, the topic of discussion landed on a recurring theme in my life. A quiet unshakeable sense of knowing that has always been with me, the fact that I have always been able to sense what the right thing to do long before logic can catch up, as if it is a superpower I could never quite name. She asked me if I knew what that was and I answered Discernment feeling both foreign and familiar.
The Weight of a Word
The Oxford dictionary describes Discernment as “the ability to show good judgement about somebody or something”. a simple enough phrase. However, for me has always felt so loaded It was a common theme in my days in the church held up as a spiritual gift I was convinced I wasn’t good enough to achieve. Ironically, in the real world it was one quality everyone seemed to assume I possess.
This conflict has defied much of my life. I have not always leaned into my discerning spirit. For years, I was haunted by the feeling that I didn’t fit in anywhere. That deep rooted fear led to some extremely cringeworthy memories where adopted behaviours so alien to my character, all in a desperate attempt not necessarily to be praised by the crowd I was with but to evade the discomfort of being the odd one out. Each time it felt like I was going against the grain of my soul, and ultimately becoming someone I didn’t like nor recognise.
Reframing a Worn Out Label
I’ve always hated being labelled as “sensitive”. In a world that rewards stoicism, the first word that comes to mind is weak and that is a term I have never wanted to be branded with. But as I have grown I’ve realised my sensitivity isn’t about softness or easily hurt feelings. It’s an ability that allows me to sense the subtle shifts in a room that nobody else notices. And why words left unsaid often sound like a blaring alarm in my mind.
Most importantly, it’s the intuitive gut level pull I feel when a situation is profoundly right or wrong for me way before my brain can produce a tidy list of pro’s and con’s. Like a silent guardian that works even when I try to ignore it, saving me from making some truly catastrophic decisions.
The Compass and the Courage
For those who follow personality frameworks, in the terms of Meyer Briggs I am an ENFJ. The J stands for judging, and I tried to denounce this part of me as the humanistic side of me wanted to denounce having a judgemental spirit. But this is not about being judgemental of others, it means a primary way of navigating the world by feeling situations out. Call it an internal compass used to find your way.
The problem was never a lack of direction from the compass itself, the gut feeling has always been clear and present. The issue was having the courage to follow it.
When you think about it we all have a discerning nature however the difference is whether we are trusting it that it can make wise decisions for us. Having a finely tuned instrument is only half the story. Discernment isn’t just about sensing the information our traditional senses miss. True discernment is what we choose to do with it. That feeling in the pit of your stomach is not something to ignore, trusting that inner knowledge no one else understands can take you that step closer to what you dream of, or save you from making a choice that could have a steep cost.
When you rarely hear a differing narrative it is easy to assume that what you are feeling isn’t right. Sometimes that answer you have been seeking is deep within you.
