I have come to accept my occasions of disarray. This is because not only do they alter my life and mindset, but the content I produce is worthy of shaking any establishment’s table. Maybe I am doing a great job at being my own cheerleader, but re-reading my posts makes me more than proud of what I have learned from these experiences and after the storm has passed I am able to embrace them warmly as a revered distant family member.
What I believe has spurred on this descent down depression avenue was my approaching birthday, and despite me being a person who will celebrate for the whole month it is also time for deep contemplation. This year I spent it in solitude and I don’t know if it was a combination of the earth-shattering silence mixed with the fact that I had jumped from one job to another without a break that was the perfect cocktail for a breakdown but your sis went through it. I must say in my older age I have become more comfortable with sitting in these moments. Because like many of you the driven quality of my personality means I am constantly on the go. This easily gives me the opportunity to run away from the issues I have difficulty facing. So submerging myself into a project or someone else’s issues is the perfect distraction. This episode of “Rea’s Depths of Depression” was sponsored by my inability to be comfortable with emotional availability.
I never used to believe it but I am an extremely strong woman and I am now aware of the qualities I possess. My power is an attribute I deeply admire but it has a hardening effect on me dispelling any other vulnerable form of emotion that dares to approach the surface. I recollect going through my first bout of therapy. My therapist would say upon me sitting in that cold blank NHS standard office that I looked “tightly wound”. It took me a few years to truly understand she meant no disrespect by making this statement. However, she was explaining that physically looking at me I always looked as if I was holding something in. As a child, I was always taught not to cry as it was a sign of weakness so being the obedient youngest daughter I am I banished those emotions to different crevices in my body (my clenched jaw and tense shoulders) and stayed consistent in a warrior stance. I have now learned at the ripe old age of 33 that there is so much beauty in being vulnerable and allowing others to see this side of my personality.
I completely understand why I was given these messages. Life continuously demonstrates that, despite being a proud black woman it comes with so many caveats that you are fighting battles in your sleep, and there is a certain level of strength you need to possess in order to ensure you are not defeated. Be that as it may, looking back on certain situations being more open and exposing myself may have given the effect that I was hoping for. There have been so many experiences where my inner emotional mascot has been screaming to emerge. If I allowed her to take control what I was trying to explain or portray may have had a different influence. I don’t live on regret boulevard and certainly wouldn’t change how my life has panned out. However, healthy reflection is a part of personal development and without this part, it would hinder growth.
I understand why we are always being forced to remain strong during adversity because “tough times never last, only tough people” But there is much merit in experiencing all of our emotions and being present in them which isn’t often validated. Please do not use this as an excuse to have any reality show-worthy drink throwing escapade because the repercussions of these actions will come at you very fast, but not every event requires you to approach it as the kind of person who isn’t phased by bad news or losing something you deemed precious or of high value. So laugh out loud, cry, take a chance on that opportunity, hell tell that person how you feel. When we feel comfortable with being exposed, our chances of achieving our desires increase. At least the feelings of regret won’t consume our beings when silence comes.
