I am not just about to leave my job, but disconnecting from everything related to the “career girl” I was raised to be. Shedding the identity that was meticulously crafted by society, expectations, and if I’m being truly honest with myself my own relentless drive for external validation. Stepping, no perhaps free falling into the vast labelled entity of the universe. And for the first time in my life I have no elevator pitch in a bid to reconnect with the life I constantly dream of.
I have written about this a few times, and if you have been reading the blog for a while you will know this decision has not been taken lightly. This has been a heavy, multi year deep dive of my core values, a constant tug of war between the life that didn’t fit my soul, and the path to happiness that has been the subject of countless journals and many tearful conversations.
What I am saying is that sometimes in order to reconnect with your purpose, you must disconnect from everything you believed would get you there. Step back from the quote on quote stable life and re-embrace the simple joys of living. When we took time to converse face to face with the ones we love.The problem with this is that it doesn’t equal solidity. However, safe doesn’t always equal happiness, but most importantly disconnects you from the best parts of the world. Have you ever been sitting on a train going home from work mindlessly scrolling on social media and even the funniest video doesn’t brighten your soul? or randomly had a conversation with a stranger that affirms something you have been too scared to admit?
A couple of weeks ago I almost slipped into western sensibility when speaking with a colleague about my next steps or lack there of. I walked away from that conversation feeling the gravitational pull of the “what’s next?” question, the pressure to reignite the five year plan or at least a concrete, respectable side hustle. In that conversation I almost believed I was making a mistake. I heard myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should swallow my pride, ask for my job back and settle for the safe predictable discomfort of my old life. (FYI: This is reason 2,567 as to why you keep your biggest, scariest, most sacred plans to yourself until they are irreversible). The panic was palpable because it was a feeling entirely foreign to me. All my previous departures from a job was always a move up. A lateral step for more money, a vertical leap for a better title, or a strategic pivot for higher career opportunity. Not only was it calculable but always an achievement I could neatly package and present to the world.
This time, the move is for me. It’s for my sanity. My health. My wellbeing. It is purely an act of preservation. And at times, the voice of the old “career girl”has been loud and insistent, screaming that something as simple as wellbeing is not a good enough reason to abandon a secure life. It is an ongoing process to truly believe that my souls peace is the only currency that matters.
I like to say that meeting my fiancè was the moment I realised my life needed to change. He created a soft landing spot, a safe harbour where I could finally drop the façade of being “fine” and truly address my chronic unhappiness. But if I am being completely honest I knew I was on the wrong path at the tender age of 19 when I was in University and wanted to move to America to start a completely new life. While I am glad that dramatic, ill conceived plan didn’t happen, the impulse behind it was real. I have been craving disconnection partly because I wanted to runaway from the mounting relentless pace of the western world. But mostly because I felt like I was starting to lose myself entirely. The person I saw in the mirror every morning was stressed out. My inner world had become so neglected that I was starting to feel like a stranger in my own skin.
As I have started to move away from the stereotypical concepts of tiring myself out in the rat race, I have found that prioritising quality connection has a more profound affect on accessing the lifestyle one strives to meet. Switch staying at the office late with catching up with friends, pick up a new hobby, join that running club sitting in your Instagram saved posts. Hell, do anything but veg out in front of the tv watching that Netflix rom com hoping your life was as exciting and chaotic as theirs.
No matter how loud the court of public opinion may sound you have got the make the choice that you believe is best for you, sometimes that means stepping away from all you have built to attain the lifestyle that feeds your soul.
Ps. All credit for the inspiration behind this post goes to @uniquebestt whose painting is the feature image
