During a recent commute to work, I was spotted by a girl I had a brief friendship stint with in college. Unfortunately, our union ended in such a negative way that stopped me from being friends with all of the girls, as my high level of morality caused me to be an outcast. I like to drink my water and mind my business. So upon spotting her, I avoided eye contact not out of fear but to evade any form of conversation that may disrupt my morning ritual. I was completely taken aback by her response as her recollection of our brief friendship completely missed out the turbulent ending. And when she was reminded of this, her reply was “You’re still holding on to that, we were so young”.
If you know me that situation ended with me politely letting her have it, and her recoiling into her phone despite being underground. Most importantly it left me pondering on what people’s concept of forgiveness truly is. The Cambridge Dictionary explains to forgive is to completely stop blaming, being angry, or punishing someone for something they have done. In essence this has been understood as the action of removing anger or resentment for a situation or towards someone on which you feel you have been wronged. I tussle with this concept because just like the scenario on the train, it seems as if people assume that because you have forgiven a situation relationships automatically restore to their original state before the offence.
More Than One Way To Forgive
Psych Central discusses a study published by the National Institue of Health indicating that there are 2 types of fogiveness;
Decisional Forgiveness: A conscious choice despite the destructive feelings an incident can bring. Choosing to move forward, letting go of any anger or resentment attached to that situation.
Emotional Forgiveness: Exchanging negagtive feelings for the person who has offended you with positive emotions like kindness or empathy.
Cardi B told no lies when she said “If it’s up then it’s stuck”. Meaning this problem is everlasting. No, I don’t spend my time thinking about the day the accused will get their comeuppance, and I will have this great confrontation in my favour. However, even though I no longer harbour any ill feelings, you definitely don’t get access to any of this good cheer that keeps me going daily. The idea of forgiving doesn’t always include forgetting. I believe that it is only when the person shows you they have comprehended the impact of their actions and are dedicated to making sure it will not happen again is when it should be extended to them. Although I do not believe in constantly bringing up resolved issues. The concept of completely forgetting a transgression can permit the person to repeat the offence.
Forgiveness As An Action
We are scientifically wired not to forget. Our minds are divided into 2 portions, the conscious mind which from a young age allows to flow freely giving us life experiences. And the subconscious minds function is to protect us, logging important information such as emotions, sensations, memories and beliefs. So when we are faced with circumstances where we are grieved, until it is rectified our mind and body may remain in defence mode to prevent being hurt again.
Reality is forgiveness can be different for each person it is not a one-size-fits-all intervention. It is not the right of the person who caused the damage to tell you how to react to affliction. Sometimes it feels like the world is positively toxic, and pressuring others to consistently choose optimistic responses in adversity can cause trauma and maladaptive coping mechanisms. They say the best apology is learned behaviour and I think that should be the focus when wanting to maintain a relationship with another, not being quickly forgiven to remove the guilt and shame of what you have done.
6 Comments
I love your post. I agree that forgiveness looks different for everyone. I can let go of the resentments but that does not mean I have to be their friend anymore.
Forgiveness is absolutely difficult depending on the situation but it took me yearsssss because the deceit was so severe. I think some people try to speak for others and tell them it should be done at a set temperature which is compleyeyly false. We have to give people time and space to heal and take the time they need to do what they have do to for themselves. However, we learn it’s for us not them and when you begin to walk with God he will use you so forgivness is necessary.
Completely agree, couldn’t have said it better myself!!!
Such an interesting post. Personally I do not forgive easy. There are lots of people where I’ve relinquished the anger, but like you, they don’t get access to me anymore. I know people have the ability to change, but I also know it’s so much hardwork (I really went through a period of significant change to several horrible life circumstances). I believe most people would default to the same behaviours again. & I can’t be around that. Mentally I need people I feel safe with.
Damn right, you get to choose how you interact with people. You can remain positive and upbeat without them in your face😄