Rant Archives - Diary of a Lost Soul

The Strong Friend Dilemma: Seeking Support in Tough Times

29 Dec 2025 No Comments

The close of year can’t help but force us down the route of reflection. For some it is a great opportunity to look back over the experiences we have had, or revel in what we’ve achieved. But others won’t be feeling so positive, and might they want to dig a big hole to bury the events of this year in. As much as I enjoy being a Positive Polly I am a massive believer in people going through whatever process it takes to get them to where they want to be. However, if I have any words of advice to take into the next year it is in order for people to check on their strong friend you have to stop being the strong friend.

This post is a message to anyone who thugged this year out on their own. To the person who despite having people around them constantly feels as if nobody ever has a solution or wise words to their problems. If you grew up independent like me not only do you rarely ask for support. But the minute someone lets you down you won’t only never ask that person for help again, but the doors for seeking help close almost permenantly. Although the feeling of being let down is valid, should that be applied to the individual or the process?

black woman covering face with hands standing near potted plant — Photo by Samson Katt on Pexels.com

The Awkward Ask

Now I am not telling you to blame yourself, because I know that human’s give us many reasons not to trust or rely on them. But I would be honest with myself in saying that not everyone who fails to meet my expectations did this with ill intent. There are moments when I have decided to ask someone to lend a hand, and because I find it so awkward I end up downplaying the crisis. I’ve realised that when I ask for help with a smile or a shrug, I’m giving the person an easy out. They don’t see the house on fire because I am standing in front of the flames acting like I’m enjoying the warmth. So sometimes by disguising our desperation as a “minor favour”, we unintentionally set people up to fail us.

women sitting on the couch — Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

Leaning Into Vulnerability

What I am talking about is vulnerability. And if you have not allowed yourself to be weak this year, you actually haven’t given your relationships a chance to be strong. Real connection isn’t found in the moments where we provide for others; it’s forged in the moments where we allow ourselves to be provided for. As we step into this new year, lets stop wearing our self-sufficiency like a suit of armour. It might keep the disappointment out, but it also keeps the love out too. If you want to be the friend who is checked on, you have to be brave enough to be the friend who is actually seen.

woman in black tank top and black leggings sitting on floor — Photo by Antoni Shkraba Studio on Pexels.com

It’s In Your Energy

Energy is reciprocal and this is something I have had to personally address. Sometimes when you have had to be the person with the plan it is felt by everyone around you, forcing them to take a step back and assume you have got it covered. We spend so much time being the architect, the engine, and the safety net that we leave no space for anyone to take up any tools. If you always project that you are “good”, you eventually become the person people stop checking on, not because they don’t care but because you have convinced them you are invincible. We have to stop being so good at holding it together if we ever want the chance to be held.

So as you enter into this new year, allow yourself to be seen by the people who truly care for you. You don’t have to become that Disney Princess trapped in the castle desperately awaiting rescue. But take a task you would usually complete alone and ask a trusted source to join you, I am sure it will lighten the load.

Which part of this hit home for you? Are you the “strong friend” trying to let your guard down this year?

Diary OF a Lost Soul

In This Dark World Your Enthusiasm Will Be A Problem

11 Sep 2022 2 Comments

I have received positive feedback this week, but I am left with many questions, as I should be filled with elation bursting at the seams for hitting a target both professionally and personally that will propel me forward toward my carefully curated year-long plan as I look forward to it. In light of this, I ended yesterday on an all-time low because of comments made about my characteristics, which I have always heard but never really understood.

It has been brought up in other posts, but my personality type hasn’t always been well received by most people. Because of this I have struggled to understand people and their motives. In an effort to grow as an individual, in my 20s I set myself a task to take more time to explore these feelings for myself and others. This was so that overall I could have better relationships. Although this was helpful, I found myself tormented by other’s expectations of me and became clear about my people-pleasing nature which in turn manifested into a lack of self-care and self-awareness. By the time I was 30 I was awakened and embarked on the journey of self-discovery, so I consolidated my own wants and needs and located my voice (although it still wavers at times). I would love to say this has the ending of a chick flick movie where the teenie boppers are destined to have a long-lasting relationship supporting each other towards their dreams, but sadly no. This is more like a horror movie where only the lead character survives and wonders how civilisation is going to survive amidst the devastation.

I may be sounding slightly dramatic, but I think it is fair as I am just wrapping my head around these emotions. But I think we are so caught up in deciding how people should present instead of understanding that we all hold our place in society. In other words if you don’t like the way I am you should probably just drink your water and mind your business. I know this is a personal issue and we can never be entirely sI have received positive feedback this week, but I am left with many questions, as I should be filled with elation bursting at the seams for hitting a target both professionally and personally that will propel me forward towards my carefully curated year-long plan as I look forward to it. In light of this, I ended yesterday on an all-time low because of comments made about my characteristics, which I have always heard but never really understood.

Being oneself is not celebrated enough, and if you were like me, who had dreams of living life unapologetically with a passion that burns brighter than the sun, you might have been shocked to discover that adult circles can be just as divisive and juvenile as those in the playground. It is possible to be ridiculed and ostracised for wanting change and taking action to alter your environment. This is because it is not easy to evoke positivity and these views can be shot down by those who perceive themselves as your allies.

Despite my spiral I have been fighting to move past these feelings so have relied on echoed advice from some of my trusted advisers that is helping me lean towards the resilient side of my soul. We all need feedback to grow. That can mean we are provided with comments that highlight areas for development. These can be hard to receive but these should not be used as a weapon to bring us down or encourage majorly changing our character to suit the crowd. There is nothing wrong with being yourself and although that might cause contention among some of the groups you may be subscribed to it doesn’t mean you need to overhaul yourself to fit in because I am sure even if you make those changes they will still return with further alterations. Overall keep shining your light even if it burns people’s eyes, misery often loves company and even if people struggle to manage the bounce in your step it is better to be enthusiastic bringing brightness to the darkness of this world.

P.S I hope this post provides as much healing for you as it has for me in these last 48 hours 🥰

Diary OF a Lost Soul

You’re Not a Failure, Just Cumulatively Disadvantaged

25 Jul 2022 3 Comments

In the earlier stages of the year whilst the working Joe and Joanna Bloggs of the world were barely holding on to their edges some of the socioeconomically privileged were using platforms handed to them fixing their mouths to provide unsolicited advice about why we aren’t achieving our dreams. I chose to ignore Molly Mae’s comments about us all having the same 24 hours in a day and address it on my Twitter feed. And when self-acclaimed “It Girl” Kim Kardashian told us all to “get off our asses and work hard”, something some nations have been doing since the days of slavery I was too hot to turn it into ever the articulate dragathon she deserves. But as I was posting the first blog of this month I came across a term called Cumulative Advantage. This term has provided the context needed to push this argument to another level. Cumulative Advantage explains how the benefits of a group or individuals enhance, increasing the inequalities amongst the marginalised. This has a knock-on effect on society as time moves on those who were considered to have societal disadvantages are provided with more hurdles to reach their goal.

This concept is not original, it is up there with intersectionality, socioeconomic inequality and the social graces that explain the various ways the world is sectioned into the deprived and the overly advantaged. However, still, those who have spent copious amounts of their lives trying to achieve a certain status or goal are considered lazy and not impoverished due to their societal status. I write this post because there have been times in my life that I have believed that because of what I have been provided I was unworthy or incapable of reaching my heart’s desires. In my ignorance, I did not realize that the reason for my failure had nothing to do with my own personality traits. Instead, it had to do with factors that were fixed when I was born. These factors included where I was born, my ethnicity, gender and financial status that I had no control over. We have always known that for certain demographics they will have to put in more than the 10,000 hours allotted to master a craft as a resting bitch face depending on your race can result in you being judged when you innocently disappeared into a random daydream.

Photo by Oladimeji Ajegbile on Pexels.com

Influencers such as Molly Mae and The Kardashians benefit from cumulative advantages as their position within society and notoriety affords them the abilities to accumulate businesses that quickly take off making millions and are considered for deals at a higher price whilst you may be asked to do it for free items instead of payment. Although they argue that they didn’t start at this point in their careers which it is fair to say, all the same, they didn’t start from the trenches. They all started from a middle-class background, having access to contacts and resources that many could only imagine access to. (Not to mention the stealing of the less fortunate’s business ideas and passing them off as their own but I will save that for another post)

Without discouraging you from that business plan you are sections through or that YouTube page with an abundance of content you have that may not have attracted the attention of the right people, you aren’t doomed. One of our time’s greatest quotes “work smarter, not harder” is one way to combat the curse of the underprivileged. I was taught for so long that working hard would catapult me to success which isn’t entirely wrong, but society’s structure doesn’t support this method to be as productive when used in isolation. There is wealth in networking and collaborating with others that aren’t a part of the work-hard model. We have an opportunity to tip the scales considering as time moves and trends alter so do our chances to go up a rung on the ladder.

Our age should not be used as a form of measurement for life accomplishments, sometimes we are barriers to achievements, whereas other times it will be the constructs built into the world we live in that are preventing this. Moral of the story is don’t be hard on yourself but also refrain from allowing this theory to discourage your plan to whatever your wildest dreams consist of. Always remember you’re not a failure, just cumulatively disadvantaged.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Cry, Journal, Pray

10 Jul 2022 3 Comments

Looking back, but moving forward has been the motto ever since I restarted blogging this year because self-reflection is a vital tool to help us improve our lives, rumination over experiences or feelings may leave us more stagnant than a local London pond and we all know Rea ain’t got time for that!

As I shared in my last post, comments about me having a special anointing that gives me superhero levels of immunity to the stresses and strains life hands out are heavily refuted because for as long as I can remember I could never say that I have had an easy life so struggle and setbacks have been something I have more than a clear understanding of. Across the world, we were all united by the experience of the great lockdown of 2020. Like everyone else, I too planned a fruitful year that would challenge all those before it. But as 1 year of the crisis quickly turned to 2 I started looking up at God and just checking to see if this is the plan he had laid out for me.

I probably experienced one of my biggest depressive bouts during this time, not only because I felt I couldn’t fight the caged animal scenario playing out before my eyes. But because I felt like some of the most valuable years of my life were dwindling and I was powerless against it. During these days of darkness I developed a process that I still use today as a tool to help me get back on my feet: Cry, Journal, Pray.

Cry

As a black woman who now holds a professional position of power, I was taught that I had to be devout of all emotions publically in order to be successful. This is what I would consider a half-truth, as a team needs a leader who has exemplary control and that definitely cannot be demonstrated if they have a meltdown at the thought of a decision needing to be made. However, allowing myself to be vulnerable and cry has probably made me my strongest. This is because it provides me with the ability to release the tension I store in the different spaces of my body due to putting on a brave face for the masses.

I always advise people to schedule in a good cry to let go of those pent-up frustrations. According to Psychology Today, 50% of people feel better after crying whereas only 10% have reported they have felt less well after a despair session. This proves that crying is a response to support, not to make us look like a bag of walking hormonal disruptions.

Journal

When I am most overwhelmed I find it nearly impossible to verbally express myself. It has gotten so unbearable at times that some of my longest commutes to work I have done in silence as the sound of my favourite choons no longer gives me the feels but serves as an annoyance. Journaling has been a comforting technique as the pen has taken over when I have difficulty finding the words to explain where my state of mind has taken me. As an active member of the negative self-talk society, I use my journal to put the ideas that cloud my brain into written format and rid me of anxious and doubtful concepts setting up a war camp in my brain. Putting these on paper allows me to address and validate them. I can then decide whether they need to be actioned or released into the wild so I can focus on the more positive aspects of my life.

Outside of my personal journals I keep locked away in my secret crypt nobody will ever find (insert evil laugh), Diary of a Lost Soul has served as my public digital journal. Sharing my thoughts with you all has been a major part of my healing process. This is especially true when I receive feedback. It is encouraging to know I am not alone in my experiences and that my posts make others feel like they belong in this lonely world.

Photo by TUBARONES PHOTOGRAPHY on Pexels.com

Pray

When I was on my Christian walk I found so much solace in talking to God. I would do it in private and that was when I was my most vulnerable sharing things that the closest people to me wouldn’t know I was dealing with. Now that I have taken a more spiritual perspective on life I still pray and it has proven to be a verbal way of letting go of any stressful notions but also supports me in taking a solution-based outlook on the issues I face.

It is always considered that you have to be religious or have a relationship with God in order to pray, the way how I see it prayer is about being thankful or asking for guidance. This is something you can do no matter your beliefs. I am a self-appointed level 14 control freak who spends alot of her day finding ways to avoid her life emulating an epic car crash. Thus, it is a relief to give the universe control over an outcome when I’ve run out of theories or have lost the will to continue.

Trusting the process is a cheesy anecdote but have been words I have ended my most strenuous days in greater stead. Like the legendary Nipsey Hussle said, “Life ain’t a sprint, it’s a marathon”. So permit yourself to set down whatever it is you are battling with and give yourself that well-needed mental break before considering how you might solve it, trust me you will feel better for it.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

“Be the Change You want to see” Oxymoron or Wise Words?

26 Jun 2022 8 Comments

I was raised to be a high achiever, not necessarily academically, but constantly curious about the world, seeking the things that are available, and trying to be better than the status quo. On top of that, it was also drummed into my head that as a black woman the version of myself I put out into the world needed to be one of high distinction so opportunities were endless for me. The older I got the more I realised that I was set apart from my peers and was even bullied for my vast vocabulary (a massive thanks to my mum being a dedicated educator), and voicing my opinions on not only pop culture topics but the societal issues that were affecting my demographic and beyond.

I was always told that this way of thinking and living was the way to be as it would catapult me towards all my hopes and desires. When I find myself in situations where I need to integrate into peer groups or search for a suitable male companion I feel like this is far from the truth. In the past I allowed the non-correlative message to encourage me to adjust my personality to suit the crowd, sort of like code-switching for social purposes. Nowadays I do not allow disbelief to make me question the character this way of living has built, but it does make me wonder how practical this advice is?

Whether it is a personal development-inspired social media page or a book penned by a self-help guru somewhere amongst the pages will be a quote that explains that we have to “be the change we want to see in the world”. According to these conservative party paved streets, this message is not ringing through. Almost everywhere you turn it seems that the idea of looking after oneself obscures those that are about serving and improving the community we live in. I am passionate about giving back, my whole career is based (and trust it is not for the money) so I often get frustrated when I see people begging for there to be an alteration in the direction this world is heading in whilst refusing to sacrifice their immediate needs to make it happen.

I often challenge this methodology because I believe that people can do whatever they want with the right mindset. Comments such as “not everyone is like you” throw me into a Charizard like fit of rage because as much as my favourite relatives told me I really am not that special so my decision to make better choices isn’t a personal characteristic but the determination I have not to allow generational curses to be a guiding principle in my future. I think the real problem is that people do not want to let go of their favourite vices that solve short-term issues. For example, the pandemic provided the world with not only reflective time, but also more extensive information about how our rights are slowly and quietly being taken away from us which a large percentage of the population is privy to. It may mean that to fight back and restore justice you will have to give up your favourite brand that continues to support those who champion poor humanistic rights or join those protesting. Sadly, many people feel this is too much of a sacrifice to make, so they continue on their current path.

The reality of the situation is that there will only be a difference in the world and to the experiences, we are having when we decide to do the work. We can rely on others to be agents of change but in this game, it is a combination of quality and quantity that will help us prevail overall. We need the ever-diverse versions of people as this helps all roles in society be fulfilled. Each one of these positions has a part to play in making this world more harmonious for the remaining time we have on earth and for those who occupy it in the future.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

The Perks of Being Emotionally Available

24 Apr 2022 No Comments

I have come to accept my occasions of disarray. This is because not only do they alter my life and mindset, but the content I produce is worthy of shaking any establishment’s table. Maybe I am doing a great job at being my own cheerleader, but re-reading my posts makes me more than proud of what I have learned from these experiences and after the storm has passed I am able to embrace them warmly as a revered distant family member.

What I believe has spurred on this descent down depression avenue was my approaching birthday, and despite me being a person who will celebrate for the whole month it is also time for deep contemplation. This year I spent it in solitude and I don’t know if it was a combination of the earth-shattering silence mixed with the fact that I had jumped from one job to another without a break that was the perfect cocktail for a breakdown but your sis went through it. I must say in my older age I have become more comfortable with sitting in these moments. Because like many of you the driven quality of my personality means I am constantly on the go. This easily gives me the opportunity to run away from the issues I have difficulty facing. So submerging myself into a project or someone else’s issues is the perfect distraction. This episode of “Rea’s Depths of Depression” was sponsored by my inability to be comfortable with emotional availability.

I never used to believe it but I am an extremely strong woman and I am now aware of the qualities I possess. My power is an attribute I deeply admire but it has a hardening effect on me dispelling any other vulnerable form of emotion that dares to approach the surface. I recollect going through my first bout of therapy. My therapist would say upon me sitting in that cold blank NHS standard office that I looked “tightly wound”. It took me a few years to truly understand she meant no disrespect by making this statement. However, she was explaining that physically looking at me I always looked as if I was holding something in. As a child, I was always taught not to cry as it was a sign of weakness so being the obedient youngest daughter I am I banished those emotions to different crevices in my body (my clenched jaw and tense shoulders) and stayed consistent in a warrior stance. I have now learned at the ripe old age of 33 that there is so much beauty in being vulnerable and allowing others to see this side of my personality.

I completely understand why I was given these messages. Life continuously demonstrates that, despite being a proud black woman it comes with so many caveats that you are fighting battles in your sleep, and there is a certain level of strength you need to possess in order to ensure you are not defeated. Be that as it may, looking back on certain situations being more open and exposing myself may have given the effect that I was hoping for. There have been so many experiences where my inner emotional mascot has been screaming to emerge. If I allowed her to take control what I was trying to explain or portray may have had a different influence. I don’t live on regret boulevard and certainly wouldn’t change how my life has panned out. However, healthy reflection is a part of personal development and without this part, it would hinder growth.

I understand why we are always being forced to remain strong during adversity because “tough times never last, only tough people” But there is much merit in experiencing all of our emotions and being present in them which isn’t often validated. Please do not use this as an excuse to have any reality show-worthy drink throwing escapade because the repercussions of these actions will come at you very fast, but not every event requires you to approach it as the kind of person who isn’t phased by bad news or losing something you deemed precious or of high value. So laugh out loud, cry, take a chance on that opportunity, hell tell that person how you feel. When we feel comfortable with being exposed, our chances of achieving our desires increase. At least the feelings of regret won’t consume our beings when silence comes.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

The Definition of Love…

21 Feb 2022 No Comments

As a woman whose history is made up of an ever absent father, and a mother who did all she could to provide tangible lessons to make it through this odyssey we call life. It has left me with thoughts about the messages I have been given about love?

Up until about 6 years old, the relationship I had with my father was something you would see in those American movies. Picture a down and out dad, who despite not always having the resources would take his tenacious young daughter on trips in his car singing along to 80’s music she is way too young to know but can surprisingly recite every lyric without missing a beat. Beautiful isn’t it? Unfortunately, this story didn’t end in him getting it together for the sake of his family but disappearing into the darkness leaving a trail of illegitimate children like a poor Hansel & Gretel parody.

I was deeply in love with my Dad. We were always together, he was my protector, made me laugh and played all the games I wanted, essentially he was my first best friend. But he had a side that always confused me. One day he would be endearing and extremely fun to be around. However, in the blink of an eye, he was transformed into this cold fearful person. How could a man this caring have a side so obscure that it made me question if I was seeing the same person?

When he left I experienced my first heartbreak. Reflecting on those moments made me realise that this was something that would change me forever. It quickly removed those rose-tinted glasses I thought were permanently glued to my face and showed me that no matter how good people portray themselves to be, there will always be a moment where their second self will emerge engulfing you in a cloud of black smoke like a perfectly executed scene from a Disney fairy-tale sucking your happiness into an endless vortex pit leaving you asking yourself if the person you thought you knew ever truly existed.

As a teen, I spent my time trying to compensate for the loss of my first great love attempting to find a group of close friends who would support me lovingly exactly what the Spice Girls lied to us about (bitch friendship definitely does not last forever), and when that failed miserably I believed that my partner would be my true supporter. However 5 years later and that hit the deck like a ton of bricks (I must say he does still support me from afar, and I am pretty sure he will read this post so shout out to you). Now I am in a space of not trusting a soul with my heart. I have been given so many examples of how hurtful love can be. The thought of allowing myself to go there all over again makes me want to literally chew away at my own arm until it is a nub then have my heart broken again.

It leaves me to question what exactly is love? My favourite chick flicks have taught me that with a little patience, and a carefully curated wardrobe montage my Prince charming will be around the corner. But life has taught me that it is arduous, painful and only sustainable through hard work on both sides. It leaves me asking what really is the formula? how do these couples either married or long-term cohabitants manage to stay together for the long haul?

So many of us women think we are not worthy of love, or that is supposed to be suffering because the messages on how to love or be loved are extremely conflicting. If we have influences of long-lasting relationships we assume that our future husband will sweep us off our feet in an Instagram worthy picturesque style proposal. And if we have been raised by a single parent we might be focused on how what assets the person has to make the relationship function but not last.

Reading through those options lets me know that either way we are all fucked. But most importantly that no matter what happens there is no formula to love, it happens and it can sweep you off your feet, or it could be more work than you ever envisioned. But overall it is an experience no matter how painful I would do it again, I have realised that despite everything I have experienced I love love. Whether that has been with a family member, friend or romantic partner it feels great to have an open heart instead of constantly pushing people away and living in isolation. Just like in life you have to take risks in order for you to get any return on investment. No, it isn’t always pretty or reminiscent of your favourite love scene on TV. But just like the saying “it is better to have loved than to have never loved at all” I allow myself to revel in the shining moments of those experiences instead of the dismal ones.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

The Kylie Debacle

8 Mar 2020 No Comments

Source: Kylie Jenner Instagram

I probably have said it before but social media is a great place to get writing content. There is just something about the court of public opinion that pushes me into my inner social justice warrior form either crusading alongside them in agreeance, or fighting against them for the greater good of mankind. But something different happened this week when the topic of Kylie Jenner surfaced concerning the latest campaign she featured in for her ex-beau Travis Scott and Nike’s collaboration, it appeared that users were battling in views regarding the hairstyle she sported between it just being a style that is free for everyone to use, or if once again the black community had been ‘swagger jacked’ by a repeatedly offending culture vulture. I found it difficult to agree or completely disagree with the commenters who were a mix of people in a complete uproar as to why it is okay for characteristics that are widely discredited for black women when assigned to another race are supported or considered fashionable, and those who thought that females were having another groan about “just a plait” thinking is it really that deep?

woman wearing white sleeveless lace shirt — Photo by nappy on Pexels.com

I am a blogger, podcaster, and professional, but most importantly a black woman who is extremely proud of her heritage and over the 30 years I have been on this earth has been subject to hate for many reasons mainly that have been related to the physical attributes we naturally hone. Big lips, wide hips, darker skin, and nappy hair have consistently been reasons to cast us out of the limelight, deem us lesser than our racial opposites and consider us to be damn unpretty. So when I see another woman unlike myself representing the very things we are berated for and being worshipped over it definitely rises to the surface some unresolved feelings. When I first saw the melee I rolled my eyes at the thought of yet another pointless debate about a nonsensical concept that changes not a single person’s life, I mean how can an extra-long plait cause so much racial contention? But thinking deeper about the topic it made me realise that the outrage for the hairstyle exemplifies the years of never being good enough however we present ourselves.

A part of me feels slightly sorry for people like Kylie Jenner, as a Christian we are taught to forgive those who do not understand what the are doing and I truly believe that although her business and pop culture acumen are identified to be top tier. Her ability to understand race relations and the struggle of the black community is extremely lacking lustre, as a model which was her representation within this campaign she essentially is highly blameless. My pitchfork is aimed at Travis Scott who claims to be a member of our society but continues to stand for things that do not speak for who we are as a collective. This is a revolving door for our community from the Kanye West’s to the ASAP Rocky’s who break barriers by gaining fame within a highly selective industry and having a large platform but refuse to utilise it to better the idealogy of how we are viewed. In his defence with Kylie being the mother of his young child, this truly could have been a move to continue the pattern of generational wealth within his family, but I am yet to see choices made by himself that help perpetuate much more positive images of our livelihoods.

I think overall what this debate really ensued was unfortunately, the world is still within a place where black people remain uncredited or uplifted for their natural characteristics, innovation or intelligence. I believe that the only way to combat this issue is if we as the black community begin to come together and share our opportunities with our brothers and sisters if we keep waiting for big organisations to give us that big break it will never be the right amount of change that we want to see. I mean, how can we scream and shout at everyone else when our own people in positions of power refuse to represent us correctly?

Diary OF a Lost Soul

The Pretty Girl Complex?!

12 Jan 2020 No Comments

Source: NBC News

I find the ideas for blog posts in some of the weirdest places, from nights out speaking to random strangers or overhearing conversations during my commute to work, it proves that anything is a topic for deep debate. But today’s inspiration was curated from the Instagram comments of commentator and Youtube talk show host ZeZe Millz, I literally never EVER read the comments sections of anyone I have followed unless someone points me in that direction. But as I was scrolling through in my unconscious social media zombie state I came across a screenshot of a tweet ZeZe had posted regarding her thoughts on the breaking news that it appears that Socialite and Model Lori Harvey has made it official with rapper Future.

Millz post alludes to the notion of women consistently being held to unreasonable standards by men in order to be considered “Wifey Material”, a phrase that is used to aid in categorising women in regards to their attributes but will completely abolish this standard for women who have a particular status or are aesthetically pleasing. I was about to continue scrolling, but it was a comment from Youtube BkChat debater Lucas that caught my attention which I felt tried to what other commenters coined as “Mansplain” reasons as to why Lori who since last year has been tied to a number of high profile industry men including Diddy, Trey Songz and Memphis DePay to name a few was exempt from this level of scrutiny due to her fame. Whereas regular women such as myself would be vilified for openly parading relationships with different men and branded a hoe.

screenshot_20200112-183427_instagram2363299858718811342.jpg — Source: Lori Harvey Instagram

Since the dawn of time women have been forced to create a perfect image not only physically but also to limit themselves sexually in order to capture the attention of men. This is not just for the nesting rewards, but also as a stroke to their ego for being one of the very few who have conquered the mountain dubbing her worthy for marriage. These are not specifications that are reciprocated, it has always been reasonable for men to be flawed during their younger years as they require time to grow and learn the world for themselves which could include them accumulating high numbers of sexual partners without a blemish to their likeness from female suitors.

This comment off lead me to believe that the standards for how women should conduct themselves continually fluctuate depending on the individual, meaning that this idea of the perfect or worthy woman never existed. I have been ranting and raving within a number of debates with friends and randoms about this concept and my views have been ousted by many including women who have been stuck in this paradox of being highly desirable to men that they have followed these unwritten rules to a tee, or concealed specific information to keep the appeal. I was always taught to carry myself with distinction in all ways, a lesson that my mother taught me not to fit in or allure others but for my own identity and growth so the decisions I made for myself as a woman growing up in this world was for nothing else but personal development. I remember back in the summer of 2019 when Lori began to hit the blogs for her escapades with different men, she was berated by males for serial dating. These are now some of the same men who are giving her a pass and praising her as a great woman within her relationship with serial baby father and lothario Future.

The world has changed drastically within the last couple of decades and social entities have shifted, so what may have considered unacceptable to the public is now widely received. Women have a completely different position in this world, and while I would never encourage another woman to find her worth by exploring her body with a vast amount of different people I would always advise that the decisions you are making make you feel comfortable not to please a man who has no idea what they are looking for themselves. Moral of the story is, Ladies don’t hold yourself to the standards of another, because you never know your MCM might end up dating the most sexually liberated girl on the timeline you were condemning before your eyes.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Life is a Struggle

27 Oct 2019 No Comments

Lately, I have been going through some heavy stuff, I feel like being in your 30’s is just as confusing and troubling as going through your teenage experience at times. Between relationships, career battles and watching some of your lifelong dreams crash down right on top of you the mental ware fare involved in picking up the pieces is real! Now I don’t want to dump on anyone or contradict myself because I truly have been enjoying this period of my life, but I am currently the most confident I have been and in turn it has strengthened my abilities to navigate such hardships.

Growing up I was always taught that if I remained focused and worked to the best of my abilities I would reap the rewards that I deserved, so I applied this ideology to all aspects of my life in perfect assurance that I would achieve all that I desired as I have always exceeded giving 100% towards any of my endeavours. No, I am not a millionaire, CEO of a major corporation or even halfway through the list of aspirations I have, but I am genuinely beyond impressed with the personal growth I have made over the years. And I think this is where this theory stops having any effect and the struggle begins.

close up photo of a woman — Photo by Marlon Schmeiski on Pexels.com

By the time I started embarking on my womanhood I was oozing independence and had the world at my feet, self-confessed control freak who could pull all the strings to my expectations and I was totally enthralled by it. But this all changed about five years ago when I got into my first ever serious relationship, it’s funny how that was the kickstarter to what began to show me that no matter what I do sometimes things will not always go the way I hope and that life is full to the brim of hardships that are difficult to navigate . The thought alone of not having the power over how things were governed was devastating enough, but then also realising that no matter how much effort I put in to steer away from certain eventualities it had no little to no effect. This threw me right off course and showed me there is no simple method of achieving what you want. At this point, everything that I used to have domination over initiated a take over on me at once including career, loss of friendships and just general life downs causing me to feel like my whole world was being shell shocked by despair.

After a shed load of tears and a few depressive states later I have come out of my pit and emerged with the understanding that life is never easy despite what people may say or try show you it will always be a struggle, and no matter how much money you earn or accolades you achieve there will always be something that will be waiting just to knock you off your totem pole. I wish that this was something that was shared with me during my formative years because I would have been saved from a load of heartache, but the minute I finally soaked that understanding in it stopped me from feeling so low about the problems of the world. I don’t want to be cliche and put the downfall of such theories on the shoulders of social media, but I definitely believe that there are a lack of truth-tellers sharing their losses in life and reassuring us all that nobody ever goes throughout their journey winning every fight they sign up for.

woman smiling — Photo by Vinicius Wiesehofer on Pexels.com

What I am trying to say is don’t be stunned when you find yourself on a path that you didn’t see coming it is totally normal and EVERYONE goes through this, welcome it and don’t let it knock you off your hustle. My favourite quote for 2019 that has helped me continue through my strife comes from the great Nipsey Hussle “The game will test you, never fold, stay ten toes down”. Life is a struggle but we can all make our way through it.

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