Getting Back to Love

I think I may have said this before, but ending my last relationship is placed up there with one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Not because of the love left between us, but because I felt like a big failure. I haven’t always been surrounded by the most uplifting sentiments in my formative years so that only further perpetuated the negative self-talk swirling around the world’s most jam-packed brain on earth.

During my time alone, I made the decision that I wanted to be alone for a WHILE! I got myself a Counsellor and told her I was done with love, all Knights in Shining Armour and Prince Charming’s need not apply because even the enchanted glass slipper itself couldn’t save the helpless tale called my love life. The saddest part of it was that I truly believed that there was no one on earth despite the majority of the countries in the world being overpopulated. For me, I felt broken beyond repair and not to mention at every turn there was an example of a failed relationship that gave me more ammunition because if they couldn’t do it what made me any different?

The other night I had to have a difficult conversation with someone I was close with about boundaries. If you know me well I do not enjoy this topic for various reasons:

1. It is the most cringe-worthy conversation known to man
2.  People often don’t care and are focused on their own needs
3.  The dialogue is usually filled with defence of their behaviour instead of hearing you out

I obviously left that conversation with a bitter taste in my mouth, but the anxiety alone put me back into rumination over my inability to hold a relationship together. I did the right thing and took to my journal and I came to a realisation that this burden wasn’t mine to carry alone as any relationship involves a minimum of 2 people who would equally have a hand in helping it last as well as the dissolution of it. At the start of this, I decided that I had to do things differently. I wasn’t sure what those things were, but I knew if I wanted to indulge in the greatness that is love I needed to exchange everything I thought I knew and embrace companionship with a fresh set of eyes. 10 months into the year and the deep reflection has been provoking to say the least, some of the intentions I am speaking into my next experience are;

Get out of the echo chamber: I have spent a lot of my time this year speaking about my love life with people who have been in relationships that have stood the test of time. As much as I like to think as a single woman experienced in relationships, the advice I give is only based on a very low level of commitment. Speaking to people who don’t have a get-out-of-jail-free card due to the level of investment involved has made me consider relationship resilience differently and review my approach differently when working with others.

Let go of the past: I have not been given the best examples of positive working relationships, and it is easy to take the stance that all of them end up in hell. But the reality is that is not the only result. Yes, they will be hard, but they can have a string of rewards. If you keep holding on to the ghost of Christmas past, you may be missing out on the bright future ahead of you.

Release expectations: One of the sayings that is a guiding principle stopping me from tanking every relationship dynamic I am involved in, is that the one thing that is consistent about people is they will let you down. This isn’t a personal thing, we are all different and have to make the choices that best suit us and sometimes that can go against what we want. If we put too much faith in people making certain decisions we will always end up disappointed, so allow people to make mistakes or choose not to listen to what you advise. As long as the respect is in place it demonstrates they are making an effort to work with you.

Have fun: At the ripe old age of 34, I would love to have the white picket fence and children running towards me with glee upon returning from a hard day’s work. Unfortunately, my life has not reached that chapter yet and honestly I am okay with that. So the thought of meeting someone and making that the focus of the bond I feel takes away from the enjoyment of getting to know someone. Although pressure can make diamonds it is a very tricky process. And when applied to the wrong stone it won’t become a shining gem but possibly disintegrate.

I have learned that love is a beautiful thing and there isn’t one right way to do it. Relationships can last forever or just for a few seasons. Despite all the difficult times and anguish, the opportunity to feel and grow through love provides lifelong lessons that can help you pass on in other situations. And as corny as it sounds remember to live, laugh, and love ❤️