Feelings Archives - Diary of a Lost Soul

The Strong Friend Dilemma: Seeking Support in Tough Times

29 Dec 2025 No Comments

The close of year can’t help but force us down the route of reflection. For some it is a great opportunity to look back over the experiences we have had, or revel in what we’ve achieved. But others won’t be feeling so positive, and might they want to dig a big hole to bury the events of this year in. As much as I enjoy being a Positive Polly I am a massive believer in people going through whatever process it takes to get them to where they want to be. However, if I have any words of advice to take into the next year it is in order for people to check on their strong friend you have to stop being the strong friend.

This post is a message to anyone who thugged this year out on their own. To the person who despite having people around them constantly feels as if nobody ever has a solution or wise words to their problems. If you grew up independent like me not only do you rarely ask for support. But the minute someone lets you down you won’t only never ask that person for help again, but the doors for seeking help close almost permenantly. Although the feeling of being let down is valid, should that be applied to the individual or the process?

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The Awkward Ask

Now I am not telling you to blame yourself, because I know that human’s give us many reasons not to trust or rely on them. But I would be honest with myself in saying that not everyone who fails to meet my expectations did this with ill intent. There are moments when I have decided to ask someone to lend a hand, and because I find it so awkward I end up downplaying the crisis. I’ve realised that when I ask for help with a smile or a shrug, I’m giving the person an easy out. They don’t see the house on fire because I am standing in front of the flames acting like I’m enjoying the warmth. So sometimes by disguising our desperation as a “minor favour”, we unintentionally set people up to fail us.

women sitting on the couch — Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

Leaning Into Vulnerability

What I am talking about is vulnerability. And if you have not allowed yourself to be weak this year, you actually haven’t given your relationships a chance to be strong. Real connection isn’t found in the moments where we provide for others; it’s forged in the moments where we allow ourselves to be provided for. As we step into this new year, lets stop wearing our self-sufficiency like a suit of armour. It might keep the disappointment out, but it also keeps the love out too. If you want to be the friend who is checked on, you have to be brave enough to be the friend who is actually seen.

woman in black tank top and black leggings sitting on floor — Photo by Antoni Shkraba Studio on Pexels.com

It’s In Your Energy

Energy is reciprocal and this is something I have had to personally address. Sometimes when you have had to be the person with the plan it is felt by everyone around you, forcing them to take a step back and assume you have got it covered. We spend so much time being the architect, the engine, and the safety net that we leave no space for anyone to take up any tools. If you always project that you are “good”, you eventually become the person people stop checking on, not because they don’t care but because you have convinced them you are invincible. We have to stop being so good at holding it together if we ever want the chance to be held.

So as you enter into this new year, allow yourself to be seen by the people who truly care for you. You don’t have to become that Disney Princess trapped in the castle desperately awaiting rescue. But take a task you would usually complete alone and ask a trusted source to join you, I am sure it will lighten the load.

Which part of this hit home for you? Are you the “strong friend” trying to let your guard down this year?

Diary OF a Lost Soul

The Courage to do Better Than the Average

22 Sep 2025 No Comments

a woman in a yellow dress is standing in a field

We live in a world that often celebrates the familiar, the comfortable, the average. There’s a certain safety in blending in, trailing the already trodden path, and in meeting expectations instead of surpassing them. But what if “average” isn’t where you belong? What if deep down you want something more?

This isn’t about being perfect or constantly striving for an impossible ideal. More about recognising the concept of an average lifestyle is often a baseline not a ceiling. When we think about it deeply, we realise the biggest barrier to reaching our full potential is not a lack of skills, talent, or opportunities. It is the lack of courage to execute the unknown.

I was out to lunch with my father this week. As I caught him up on the new experiences life is taking me on, I began to share some of my future plans with him. I was quickly reminded why I seldom share visions with the outside world. People often have mindsets riddled with limits. ” That won’t happen for another 5 years” he answered with the life caution only a father can show. Old Rea would have retreated or even worse agreed and filed the dream under impossible. But limitless Rea replied with confidence. “Well, who said that? How do we know what opportunities I come across? They could push me closer to that goal before I know it.”

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So Why Do We Feel Safe Being Average?

If we are being honest with ourselves sticking with the average is easy. It’s like playing Street Fighter and never switching the player mode from novice and clocking the game over and over again.

Less Scrutiny: Being average means fewer eyes on you. There is less pressure to execute, less risk of failure, and less fear of judgment.
Comfort in the Crowd: It’s reassuring to know you are not alone. If everyone else is doing it this way it must be correct, right?
Avoids Criticism:Stepping outside the box means making mistakes, and mistakes often invite criticism. Something that takes guts to open oneself up to.
Effort vs Reward: Doing more than average requires more effort. Our brains are wired for efficiency and at times the perceived effort is not seen as worth the potential reward.

But what if the idea of safety is what is holding you back from what you really want? What if the fear of standing out is more detrimental than the fear of failure?

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Is There a Cost of Settling for Average?

Life is just a set of choices one makes, there really is not a right or wrong. Still, if there is a cost if these choices don’t necessarily make you happy.

Unrealised Potential: Each time you choose the comfortable route, you are leaving behind your true the prospect of your true abilities
Regret: Years down the line, will you wish you had pushed a little harder? Did you take that risk? Or did you pursue that passion?
Stagnation: While average feels comfortable it rarely leads to growth. To evolve, you must challenge the status quo. Your own, and the worlds.

The courage we are talking about isn’t high on the scale of outrageous, or of the heroic kind.It’s the quiet, persistent bravery that shows up every single day.

woman lying on plastic balls — Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

Building the Courage to Be Exceptional

Define Your “Better”: What does better than the average mean to you? Do you want financial freedom, a healthier lifestyle, deeper relationships, an impactful career, or mastering a new skill?
Challenge Your Limiting Beliefs: “I’m not smart enough”, “It’s too hard”, “What will people think?” These are whispers of the average. Question them fiercely. Where did they come from? Are they truly correct?
Embrace Discomfort: Growth happens outside your comfort zone. Lean into the feelings of uncertainty, awkwardness and even fear. That’s where the magic happens.
Take Small, Consistent Actions:Courage does not have to start with a trip bungee jumping in Chile.Start by doing one small thing each day. Read an extra chapter of your book, send that uncomfortable email, dedicate 15 minutes to that overdue project. Consistency not only builds momentum but also confidence.
Seek Out Role Models: Surround yourself with people who are living more than an average lifestyle. Learn from their journeys, understand their struggles, and let their achievements inspire you.
Reframe Failure: Failure isn’t the opposite of success, it is the stepping stone on the path to achievement. When doing more than the average you will face failure. The courage lies in learning from it and trying again.

The path to doing better isn’t always glamorous. It is filled with hard work, self-doubt, and moments where you want to return to the safety of your comfortability. But the reward of a life worth lived, a potential realised, and the sense of genuine accomplishment is unmatched.

It takes courage to say, “I am capable of more”. You have to be brave to choose the harder path. Being determined helps you stand out from the ordinary. What will you do today to bravely step beyond the average and embrace the extraordinary in you? The world is waiting for you to show up.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Getting Back to Love

8 Oct 2023 3 Comments

I think I may have said this before, but ending my last relationship is placed up there with one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Not because of the love left between us, but because I felt like a big failure. I haven’t always been surrounded by the most uplifting sentiments in my formative years so that only further perpetuated the negative self-talk swirling around the world’s most jam-packed brain on earth.

During my time alone, I made the decision that I wanted to be alone for a WHILE! I got myself a Counsellor and told her I was done with love, all Knights in Shining Armour and Prince Charming’s need not apply because even the enchanted glass slipper itself couldn’t save the helpless tale called my love life. The saddest part of it was that I truly believed that there was no one on earth despite the majority of the countries in the world being overpopulated. For me, I felt broken beyond repair and not to mention at every turn there was an example of a failed relationship that gave me more ammunition because if they couldn’t do it what made me any different?

The other night I had to have a difficult conversation with someone I was close with about boundaries. If you know me well I do not enjoy this topic for various reasons:

It is the most cringe-worthy conversation known to man
People often don’t care and are focused on their own needs
The dialogue is usually filled with defence of their behaviour instead of hearing you out

I obviously left that conversation with a bitter taste in my mouth, but the anxiety alone put me back into rumination over my inability to hold a relationship together. I did the right thing and took to my journal and I came to a realisation that this burden wasn’t mine to carry alone as any relationship involves a minimum of 2 people who would equally have a hand in helping it last as well as the dissolution of it. At the start of this, I decided that I had to do things differently. I wasn’t sure what those things were, but I knew if I wanted to indulge in the greatness that is love I needed to exchange everything I thought I knew and embrace companionship with a fresh set of eyes. 10 months into the year and the deep reflection has been provoking to say the least, some of the intentions I am speaking into my next experience are;

Get out of the echo chamber: I have spent a lot of my time this year speaking about my love life with people who have been in relationships that have stood the test of time. As much as I like to think as a single woman experienced in relationships, the advice I give is only based on a very low level of commitment. Speaking to people who don’t have a get-out-of-jail-free card due to the level of investment involved has made me consider relationship resilience differently and review my approach differently when working with others.

Let go of the past: I have not been given the best examples of positive working relationships, and it is easy to take the stance that all of them end up in hell. But the reality is that is not the only result. Yes, they will be hard, but they can have a string of rewards. If you keep holding on to the ghost of Christmas past, you may be missing out on the bright future ahead of you.

Release expectations: One of the sayings that is a guiding principle stopping me from tanking every relationship dynamic I am involved in, is that the one thing that is consistent about people is they will let you down. This isn’t a personal thing, we are all different and have to make the choices that best suit us and sometimes that can go against what we want. If we put too much faith in people making certain decisions we will always end up disappointed, so allow people to make mistakes or choose not to listen to what you advise. As long as the respect is in place it demonstrates they are making an effort to work with you.

Have fun: At the ripe old age of 34, I would love to have the white picket fence and children running towards me with glee upon returning from a hard day’s work. Unfortunately, my life has not reached that chapter yet and honestly I am okay with that. So the thought of meeting someone and making that the focus of the bond I feel takes away from the enjoyment of getting to know someone. Although pressure can make diamonds it is a very tricky process. And when applied to the wrong stone it won’t become a shining gem but possibly disintegrate.

I have learned that love is a beautiful thing and there isn’t one right way to do it. Relationships can last forever or just for a few seasons. Despite all the difficult times and anguish, the opportunity to feel and grow through love provides lifelong lessons that can help you pass on in other situations. And as corny as it sounds remember to live, laugh, and love ❤️

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Revelations From A Closet Dreamer

24 Sep 2023 No Comments

Growing up my environment wasn’t the most conducive, although I happily claim the fact that I avoided teenage pregnancy, drug abuse or crime. The strict guidelines didn’t permit much space for exploration of the world or belief that my wildest dreams could become reality. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a dream but I often feel myself daydreaming about the possibilities of my life with no control over when or how they happen. But in an effort to focus on some of the humdrum tasks I bat them away like Serena at a grand slam final to continue with my day.

If you’re a regular reader of Diary of a Lost Soul, you’ll remember that I discussed this topic in “The Power of Intentional Thought”. Manifestation is another buzzword we millennials love to throw around but it has been alive in the spiritual world since the dawn of time. As it is something that is now a part of the era of personal development the Cambridge dictionary description of manifestation is a sign of something existing or happening, which is true but feels slightly soulless. However, upon exploring this amongst the spiritual realm the definition deepens to your hopes and aspirations coming to life through positive thought and meditation. I have always had the power to actualise be those positive or negative notions, but lately, those things have been way too spot on and it is severely freaking me out.

I am a prolific planner. While I wasn’t always like that, a few stumbling blocks in my teens allowed me to find my rhythm with structure, and it’s been blissful ever since. So my home is full of weekly planners, diaries, journals and notebooks I use to keep me on track daily, monthly and yearly and it truly has been the cornerstone of what has helped me be as successful as I am today. Saying this I sometimes think it borders on neuroticism as the potency of organisation allows me to believe that I have more control over the flow of life than possible. Whether you are religious, spiritual, or just putting one foot in front of the other sort of person. One thing we can all agree on is the power of the tongue. It is very embarrassing for me to admit that I didn’t take this phrase seriously as a youngster, I thought its only strength was to rid my gal pals of the pain from boys who wanted to get in their pants instead of nourishing their hearts as they claimed. And as I have been in my “growth bag” voicing what I would like to achieve quickly comes to fruition and not exactly how I expected it to be packaged throwing me into a frenzy forcing me to push the brakes and return to the safe zone to catch a breath.

Recently, I have been struggling with that issue because I have a burning desire for more festering within me that my overthinking pattern and the deep fear of failure are preventing me from igniting. Usually, every New Year’s Eve I stay home alone with a bottle of Champagne and vision board in order to manifest what I would like to achieve or experience over the next year. Last year I chose not to and took my first solo trip ever to soak up new experiences making a list of intentions for the year which have guided me to this point past the halfway mark of 2023 still smiling and with a boatload of opportunities. This has always been proven to be constructive however the end product is never what I expected in a way that shakes me to my core requiring me to act immediately, and if you have been reading this piece from the start you will know that is not my strong suit.

I write this post as an ode to all those who secretly fantasise over a life or world that they lock away over their logically well-thought-out 10-year plan. We dream for a reason and it is possible for those things to come true, if I stuck with the life plan I had at 19 I would have been living in America under Trump’s governance and I really think I am way too good for that. Sometimes you just have to get off the main road and follow the voice in your head that keeps telling you to discover what is amongst the beaten track it can be frightening but there can be so much enlightenment behind the darkness. Be it your economic status, other’s opinions, fear of failure, or just feeling the warmth of your comfort zone don’t suppress your dreams. If you are anything like me that shit will have you waking up in the middle of the night haunting you like a horror movie so lean into it and see where it will take you.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Is Love Island Reality or Plunging us Further into Traumatic Bonds?

9 Jul 2023 1 Comment

Source: Daily Mail Online

*Disclaimer*

I do NOT watch Love Island. Unfortunately, my elaborate plan to avoid the content is foiled by my TikTok addiction and I am definitely not giving that up! Saying this, Tyrique and Ella’s twisted tale of a situationship turned wrong has posed a conversation I have been having within the last week with friends and some of our ever impressionable young girls who struggle to balance their emotions and logical reasoning.

I have always loved a sweet boy. Emotional intelligence, a studious nature, and no affinity to crime are qualities I have always found attractive. Growing up my “Girl Gang” would frequently take me on “linkages” (if you know you know) with boys who had no intention of having a serious relationship with them and it was notably evident in the lack of commitment in their language making statements such as “you know I am feeling you” even taking it so far as messaging my friend later and asking for my number. For years it has left me with the question, how many red flags do we need to recognise that this guy is just not interested?

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

My motto has always been that I am a single girly until he asks me that status changing question, “will you be my girlfriend?” I have been ridiculed for this by most people male and female I have the conversation with, however I often end up victorious when I double down on how you calculate the start date of your relationship as I am often met with heavy stuttering and statements such as “does it really matter, who cares about an anniversary?” (raises right hand to God).

Ella and Tyrique sparked my creativity because their relationship or lack there of it is an ideal case study as to why communication is a vital key to any relationship. In my opinion he clearly displays uncertainty. This should be enough to show any woman that love built on shaky ground will easily collapse. No woman deserves a union built like the Tower of Pisa. The emotional side of us ladies mixed with the poor cultural lessons of our ancestors of the “a man will be a man era” have encouraged ignorance to raving warning signs of a man’s disinterest making it a personal attack resulting in us becoming more clingy or trying to change things about ourselves to become desirable. We are beautifully and wonderfully made. Not saying we don’t all need a tune up or tweak as we travel along the windy roads that are called life. But we should never be drastically altering ourselves or working against moral codes to fit in with anyone or in any place.

Men like Tyrique are incredibly easy to come by. Not to degrade or bash him at all, but it clearly highlights high levels of immaturity and unfortunate low levels of respect for women. When we see these things we should run for the hills and into the arms of a dude who isn’t afraid to put a title and terms and conditions on the healthy bond you both see in your future. Would you leave your current job for one without a signed contract in place? Don’t get me wrong, Ella isn’t an angel as Casa Amor gave her the opportunity of a Uzi. This appears to be a man who wants to establish something concrete with her. Despite being in a great position Ella is following a man she has no real ties to around the Villa potentially jeopardising an opportunity for real love.

I will keep it real. We are often drawn to people for a number of reasons. If there is anything my many stints in therapy have taught me we often attract what we have always known, so if we have experienced growing up abandonment or inconsistent care givers our anxious attachment style entices those who have no intention of providing us with a committed relationship like the allure of the Lombada. The only way we can break free from this trauma bond is by increasing our love for ourselves, and experiencing relationships that aren’t focused on people pleasing as these only support depreciation of our value. Everyone deserves to be a part of a loving relationship. If they don’t appreciate it enough to make it long-term no matter how resourceful you are it won’t work.

Moral of the story, If he can’t commit let that Mango (get it)

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Why Aren’t We Gatekeeping Our Community?

15 Oct 2022 No Comments

It is only within the last few years that I have felt comfortable with talking about the issues my community faces. Being black although it is something I am well beyond proud of is something that large parts of the world have always had a huge problem with. I don’t think there will ever be an adequate explanation for why people feel this way about us. But what I have become completely perplexed by is the surge of candidates who aren’t black. These individuals make it their mission to discuss our plight and advocate for what they consider to be our needs despite never walking a day in our shoes. I don’t want anyone to think I am the kind of person that believes that if we don’t share the same skin tone you can’t be a part of any discussions related to us or our history, but it becomes infuriating when those of us who have lived experience are drowned out by the spectators whose platform has been afforded to them through the privilege their hue offers them.

Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich on Pexels.com

The post for this week is inspired entirely by the spiral we could call the downfall of YouTuber Murad Murali. His content centered not only on societal injustice, but on the struggles of black women in particular. However in the last couple of months he has been exposed for allegedly not only having unpalatable sexual preferences but this being geared to the degrading of black people. Unfortunately Murad is not the only individual who has masqueraded as a champion for the black community. Influencers such as James Charles, and Elle Darby have marketed themselves to be in support of ethnic minorities through the products they sold or promoted. Despite your efforts to re-brand, the internet serves as that everlasting receipt nobody wants to receive. It will bring back all your torrid memories no matter how far you’ve progressed.

As a result of repeated incidents such as these, I am compelled to ask: why do we allow others to represent us when we have more than enough to say on the matter?e mindful not to put the blame on the oppressed because as we are all aware that those who are marginalised have a mountain of hurdles to get over just to be considered as credible. And content creators such as Topical Juice, Kelechi Okafor and Guh Deh Phillip have dedicated their careers to speaking out on black issues without the level of recognition they deserve and continue to do so with their chest despite being shunned from rooms they are entitled to dominate. But when I look at the Jewish and Asian communities I wonder why they haven’t got anyone else but themselves at the forefront of their lobbying groups?

Photo by EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA on Pexels.com

As it has become more acceptable to discuss the race and equality issues borne out of this countries history I have noticed the more people have felt obliged to speak out about it either with the means to forge solidarity, or bandwagonists searching for their next pop-culture topic to fast track traffic to their platforms. I am aware that in order for us to truly tackle this issue at it’s core will involve a multi-cultural approach including involvement from all sides but it has to be led by those who are subjected to the persecution as nobody knows the issues better than those facing them.

What I am trying to say is we need to do better at protecting ourselves and what we own as a community. There are too many stories of our ideas, thoughts and looks being stolen by those who have used comaradery or manipulation to convince us that they are a helping hand. Saying this, we as a community need to see each other as partners and not competition. The crabs in a barrel mentality will only rob us of what we deserve; not only do we need to support those in power, we also need to educate ourselves to maintain what we have gained; otherwise, we will only hand it back to those that have not worked for it.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

You Have to Secure Your Life Vest First

25 Sep 2022 No Comments

I have been thinking about holidays a lot lately, and it isn’t because I didn’t have a fruitful summer or take any memorable and well-enjoyed trips but because burnout is a real thing. I forewent flying out this year for a few reasons:

Summer gave what it was supposed to give this year in the UK
If I had booked a holiday and it was delayed due to the baggage issues plaguing the news I would’ve lost my shit and all concepts of relaxing would’ve gone straight out the window
Working with other people’s needs, wants and schedules are enough to make me want to tear my body parts limb by limb (I joke, I kid, well not completely)

In a nutshell, I didn’t fly out this year because I didn’t have any help with arranging the trip that was necessary to keep my peace. This would be the first trip without a partner to share the load, and boy was it evident that having a helpmate was key to this formula’s success. The British part of my identity has always inspired me to do things that are adventurous. However, I would face disinterest or discouragement from those closest to me making me question whether I should be taking this leap of faith.

I started to feel unfulfilled because of these missed experiences due to the fear of being alone and could no longer push away the FOMO nesting in various crevices of mybody. So, I decided to throw the middle finger at my naysayers and do what needed to be done. My cheesy reference to holidays is to remind us that even the safety videos of instructions they play just before the plane takes off give us a vital notion that is bigger than physical safety “you have to secure your lifejacket first before helping someone else”. Once an idea resonates with me, I am ready to act on it right away. However, despite this being a helpful tool to traject me to my current space in life it hasn’t been a very effective implement for those around me. It has given the impression that less work is needed if I am at the top of the plan, and this left me with that all too well-known feeling of being disregarded or uncared for as I was always considering the compulsions of others before questioning my own capacity.

Unless you have a gang of kids, or are knee-deep in a marriage (sorry, can’t relate) the only person you are responsible for is yourself and that includes your happiness. Some of our cultures tether us to other people wrapped in beliefs and morals that have hindered some of the decisions we have or haven’t made and that may have left an empty hole or a weight of rumination that often plagues our minds producing a gaping hole of resentment for ourselves or those who imposed those values. But the truth is that this world and your life are yours, not anyone else’s. If you consistently live up to the expectations or requirements of others you could really be putting your mental health at risk. This isn’t an easy hit to come back from.

Respectful Memes Twitter: @respectfulmemes

Being a 90’s baby is my favourite superpower because it was within the depths of these archives that the advice for this post was recovered. Sailor Moon who is my only claim to the anime society said, “You know who is gonna give you everything, you”. When you dedicate your life to constantly being at the beck and call of everyone else but yourself, not only are you missing out on what the world has to offer but you are creating the prerequisite that even the safety of others is more important than others and this simply isn’t true. Contrary to what we have been told, giving should always come from your overflow, not your reserve, because how can you help another while you’re in danger?

So there is no use trying to keep someone else afloat if you can’t even tread water. When observing those around you notice how they determine the amount of energy towards a request, assessing how much you can give before making a move isn’t wrong. Self-love isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

In This Dark World Your Enthusiasm Will Be A Problem

11 Sep 2022 2 Comments

I have received positive feedback this week, but I am left with many questions, as I should be filled with elation bursting at the seams for hitting a target both professionally and personally that will propel me forward toward my carefully curated year-long plan as I look forward to it. In light of this, I ended yesterday on an all-time low because of comments made about my characteristics, which I have always heard but never really understood.

It has been brought up in other posts, but my personality type hasn’t always been well received by most people. Because of this I have struggled to understand people and their motives. In an effort to grow as an individual, in my 20s I set myself a task to take more time to explore these feelings for myself and others. This was so that overall I could have better relationships. Although this was helpful, I found myself tormented by other’s expectations of me and became clear about my people-pleasing nature which in turn manifested into a lack of self-care and self-awareness. By the time I was 30 I was awakened and embarked on the journey of self-discovery, so I consolidated my own wants and needs and located my voice (although it still wavers at times). I would love to say this has the ending of a chick flick movie where the teenie boppers are destined to have a long-lasting relationship supporting each other towards their dreams, but sadly no. This is more like a horror movie where only the lead character survives and wonders how civilisation is going to survive amidst the devastation.

I may be sounding slightly dramatic, but I think it is fair as I am just wrapping my head around these emotions. But I think we are so caught up in deciding how people should present instead of understanding that we all hold our place in society. In other words if you don’t like the way I am you should probably just drink your water and mind your business. I know this is a personal issue and we can never be entirely sI have received positive feedback this week, but I am left with many questions, as I should be filled with elation bursting at the seams for hitting a target both professionally and personally that will propel me forward towards my carefully curated year-long plan as I look forward to it. In light of this, I ended yesterday on an all-time low because of comments made about my characteristics, which I have always heard but never really understood.

Being oneself is not celebrated enough, and if you were like me, who had dreams of living life unapologetically with a passion that burns brighter than the sun, you might have been shocked to discover that adult circles can be just as divisive and juvenile as those in the playground. It is possible to be ridiculed and ostracised for wanting change and taking action to alter your environment. This is because it is not easy to evoke positivity and these views can be shot down by those who perceive themselves as your allies.

Despite my spiral I have been fighting to move past these feelings so have relied on echoed advice from some of my trusted advisers that is helping me lean towards the resilient side of my soul. We all need feedback to grow. That can mean we are provided with comments that highlight areas for development. These can be hard to receive but these should not be used as a weapon to bring us down or encourage majorly changing our character to suit the crowd. There is nothing wrong with being yourself and although that might cause contention among some of the groups you may be subscribed to it doesn’t mean you need to overhaul yourself to fit in because I am sure even if you make those changes they will still return with further alterations. Overall keep shining your light even if it burns people’s eyes, misery often loves company and even if people struggle to manage the bounce in your step it is better to be enthusiastic bringing brightness to the darkness of this world.

P.S I hope this post provides as much healing for you as it has for me in these last 48 hours 🥰

Diary OF a Lost Soul

You’re Not a Failure, Just Cumulatively Disadvantaged

25 Jul 2022 3 Comments

In the earlier stages of the year whilst the working Joe and Joanna Bloggs of the world were barely holding on to their edges some of the socioeconomically privileged were using platforms handed to them fixing their mouths to provide unsolicited advice about why we aren’t achieving our dreams. I chose to ignore Molly Mae’s comments about us all having the same 24 hours in a day and address it on my Twitter feed. And when self-acclaimed “It Girl” Kim Kardashian told us all to “get off our asses and work hard”, something some nations have been doing since the days of slavery I was too hot to turn it into ever the articulate dragathon she deserves. But as I was posting the first blog of this month I came across a term called Cumulative Advantage. This term has provided the context needed to push this argument to another level. Cumulative Advantage explains how the benefits of a group or individuals enhance, increasing the inequalities amongst the marginalised. This has a knock-on effect on society as time moves on those who were considered to have societal disadvantages are provided with more hurdles to reach their goal.

This concept is not original, it is up there with intersectionality, socioeconomic inequality and the social graces that explain the various ways the world is sectioned into the deprived and the overly advantaged. However, still, those who have spent copious amounts of their lives trying to achieve a certain status or goal are considered lazy and not impoverished due to their societal status. I write this post because there have been times in my life that I have believed that because of what I have been provided I was unworthy or incapable of reaching my heart’s desires. In my ignorance, I did not realize that the reason for my failure had nothing to do with my own personality traits. Instead, it had to do with factors that were fixed when I was born. These factors included where I was born, my ethnicity, gender and financial status that I had no control over. We have always known that for certain demographics they will have to put in more than the 10,000 hours allotted to master a craft as a resting bitch face depending on your race can result in you being judged when you innocently disappeared into a random daydream.

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Influencers such as Molly Mae and The Kardashians benefit from cumulative advantages as their position within society and notoriety affords them the abilities to accumulate businesses that quickly take off making millions and are considered for deals at a higher price whilst you may be asked to do it for free items instead of payment. Although they argue that they didn’t start at this point in their careers which it is fair to say, all the same, they didn’t start from the trenches. They all started from a middle-class background, having access to contacts and resources that many could only imagine access to. (Not to mention the stealing of the less fortunate’s business ideas and passing them off as their own but I will save that for another post)

Without discouraging you from that business plan you are sections through or that YouTube page with an abundance of content you have that may not have attracted the attention of the right people, you aren’t doomed. One of our time’s greatest quotes “work smarter, not harder” is one way to combat the curse of the underprivileged. I was taught for so long that working hard would catapult me to success which isn’t entirely wrong, but society’s structure doesn’t support this method to be as productive when used in isolation. There is wealth in networking and collaborating with others that aren’t a part of the work-hard model. We have an opportunity to tip the scales considering as time moves and trends alter so do our chances to go up a rung on the ladder.

Our age should not be used as a form of measurement for life accomplishments, sometimes we are barriers to achievements, whereas other times it will be the constructs built into the world we live in that are preventing this. Moral of the story is don’t be hard on yourself but also refrain from allowing this theory to discourage your plan to whatever your wildest dreams consist of. Always remember you’re not a failure, just cumulatively disadvantaged.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Cry, Journal, Pray

10 Jul 2022 3 Comments

Looking back, but moving forward has been the motto ever since I restarted blogging this year because self-reflection is a vital tool to help us improve our lives, rumination over experiences or feelings may leave us more stagnant than a local London pond and we all know Rea ain’t got time for that!

As I shared in my last post, comments about me having a special anointing that gives me superhero levels of immunity to the stresses and strains life hands out are heavily refuted because for as long as I can remember I could never say that I have had an easy life so struggle and setbacks have been something I have more than a clear understanding of. Across the world, we were all united by the experience of the great lockdown of 2020. Like everyone else, I too planned a fruitful year that would challenge all those before it. But as 1 year of the crisis quickly turned to 2 I started looking up at God and just checking to see if this is the plan he had laid out for me.

I probably experienced one of my biggest depressive bouts during this time, not only because I felt I couldn’t fight the caged animal scenario playing out before my eyes. But because I felt like some of the most valuable years of my life were dwindling and I was powerless against it. During these days of darkness I developed a process that I still use today as a tool to help me get back on my feet: Cry, Journal, Pray.

Cry

As a black woman who now holds a professional position of power, I was taught that I had to be devout of all emotions publically in order to be successful. This is what I would consider a half-truth, as a team needs a leader who has exemplary control and that definitely cannot be demonstrated if they have a meltdown at the thought of a decision needing to be made. However, allowing myself to be vulnerable and cry has probably made me my strongest. This is because it provides me with the ability to release the tension I store in the different spaces of my body due to putting on a brave face for the masses.

I always advise people to schedule in a good cry to let go of those pent-up frustrations. According to Psychology Today, 50% of people feel better after crying whereas only 10% have reported they have felt less well after a despair session. This proves that crying is a response to support, not to make us look like a bag of walking hormonal disruptions.

Journal

When I am most overwhelmed I find it nearly impossible to verbally express myself. It has gotten so unbearable at times that some of my longest commutes to work I have done in silence as the sound of my favourite choons no longer gives me the feels but serves as an annoyance. Journaling has been a comforting technique as the pen has taken over when I have difficulty finding the words to explain where my state of mind has taken me. As an active member of the negative self-talk society, I use my journal to put the ideas that cloud my brain into written format and rid me of anxious and doubtful concepts setting up a war camp in my brain. Putting these on paper allows me to address and validate them. I can then decide whether they need to be actioned or released into the wild so I can focus on the more positive aspects of my life.

Outside of my personal journals I keep locked away in my secret crypt nobody will ever find (insert evil laugh), Diary of a Lost Soul has served as my public digital journal. Sharing my thoughts with you all has been a major part of my healing process. This is especially true when I receive feedback. It is encouraging to know I am not alone in my experiences and that my posts make others feel like they belong in this lonely world.

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Pray

When I was on my Christian walk I found so much solace in talking to God. I would do it in private and that was when I was my most vulnerable sharing things that the closest people to me wouldn’t know I was dealing with. Now that I have taken a more spiritual perspective on life I still pray and it has proven to be a verbal way of letting go of any stressful notions but also supports me in taking a solution-based outlook on the issues I face.

It is always considered that you have to be religious or have a relationship with God in order to pray, the way how I see it prayer is about being thankful or asking for guidance. This is something you can do no matter your beliefs. I am a self-appointed level 14 control freak who spends alot of her day finding ways to avoid her life emulating an epic car crash. Thus, it is a relief to give the universe control over an outcome when I’ve run out of theories or have lost the will to continue.

Trusting the process is a cheesy anecdote but have been words I have ended my most strenuous days in greater stead. Like the legendary Nipsey Hussle said, “Life ain’t a sprint, it’s a marathon”. So permit yourself to set down whatever it is you are battling with and give yourself that well-needed mental break before considering how you might solve it, trust me you will feel better for it.

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