Lifestyle Archives - Diary of a Lost Soul

The Strong Friend Dilemma: Seeking Support in Tough Times

29 Dec 2025 No Comments

The close of year can’t help but force us down the route of reflection. For some it is a great opportunity to look back over the experiences we have had, or revel in what we’ve achieved. But others won’t be feeling so positive, and might they want to dig a big hole to bury the events of this year in. As much as I enjoy being a Positive Polly I am a massive believer in people going through whatever process it takes to get them to where they want to be. However, if I have any words of advice to take into the next year it is in order for people to check on their strong friend you have to stop being the strong friend.

This post is a message to anyone who thugged this year out on their own. To the person who despite having people around them constantly feels as if nobody ever has a solution or wise words to their problems. If you grew up independent like me not only do you rarely ask for support. But the minute someone lets you down you won’t only never ask that person for help again, but the doors for seeking help close almost permenantly. Although the feeling of being let down is valid, should that be applied to the individual or the process?

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The Awkward Ask

Now I am not telling you to blame yourself, because I know that human’s give us many reasons not to trust or rely on them. But I would be honest with myself in saying that not everyone who fails to meet my expectations did this with ill intent. There are moments when I have decided to ask someone to lend a hand, and because I find it so awkward I end up downplaying the crisis. I’ve realised that when I ask for help with a smile or a shrug, I’m giving the person an easy out. They don’t see the house on fire because I am standing in front of the flames acting like I’m enjoying the warmth. So sometimes by disguising our desperation as a “minor favour”, we unintentionally set people up to fail us.

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Leaning Into Vulnerability

What I am talking about is vulnerability. And if you have not allowed yourself to be weak this year, you actually haven’t given your relationships a chance to be strong. Real connection isn’t found in the moments where we provide for others; it’s forged in the moments where we allow ourselves to be provided for. As we step into this new year, lets stop wearing our self-sufficiency like a suit of armour. It might keep the disappointment out, but it also keeps the love out too. If you want to be the friend who is checked on, you have to be brave enough to be the friend who is actually seen.

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It’s In Your Energy

Energy is reciprocal and this is something I have had to personally address. Sometimes when you have had to be the person with the plan it is felt by everyone around you, forcing them to take a step back and assume you have got it covered. We spend so much time being the architect, the engine, and the safety net that we leave no space for anyone to take up any tools. If you always project that you are “good”, you eventually become the person people stop checking on, not because they don’t care but because you have convinced them you are invincible. We have to stop being so good at holding it together if we ever want the chance to be held.

So as you enter into this new year, allow yourself to be seen by the people who truly care for you. You don’t have to become that Disney Princess trapped in the castle desperately awaiting rescue. But take a task you would usually complete alone and ask a trusted source to join you, I am sure it will lighten the load.

Which part of this hit home for you? Are you the “strong friend” trying to let your guard down this year?

Diary OF a Lost Soul

The Courage to do Better Than the Average

22 Sep 2025 No Comments

a woman in a yellow dress is standing in a field

We live in a world that often celebrates the familiar, the comfortable, the average. There’s a certain safety in blending in, trailing the already trodden path, and in meeting expectations instead of surpassing them. But what if “average” isn’t where you belong? What if deep down you want something more?

This isn’t about being perfect or constantly striving for an impossible ideal. More about recognising the concept of an average lifestyle is often a baseline not a ceiling. When we think about it deeply, we realise the biggest barrier to reaching our full potential is not a lack of skills, talent, or opportunities. It is the lack of courage to execute the unknown.

I was out to lunch with my father this week. As I caught him up on the new experiences life is taking me on, I began to share some of my future plans with him. I was quickly reminded why I seldom share visions with the outside world. People often have mindsets riddled with limits. ” That won’t happen for another 5 years” he answered with the life caution only a father can show. Old Rea would have retreated or even worse agreed and filed the dream under impossible. But limitless Rea replied with confidence. “Well, who said that? How do we know what opportunities I come across? They could push me closer to that goal before I know it.”

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So Why Do We Feel Safe Being Average?

If we are being honest with ourselves sticking with the average is easy. It’s like playing Street Fighter and never switching the player mode from novice and clocking the game over and over again.

Less Scrutiny: Being average means fewer eyes on you. There is less pressure to execute, less risk of failure, and less fear of judgment.
Comfort in the Crowd: It’s reassuring to know you are not alone. If everyone else is doing it this way it must be correct, right?
Avoids Criticism:Stepping outside the box means making mistakes, and mistakes often invite criticism. Something that takes guts to open oneself up to.
Effort vs Reward: Doing more than average requires more effort. Our brains are wired for efficiency and at times the perceived effort is not seen as worth the potential reward.

But what if the idea of safety is what is holding you back from what you really want? What if the fear of standing out is more detrimental than the fear of failure?

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Is There a Cost of Settling for Average?

Life is just a set of choices one makes, there really is not a right or wrong. Still, if there is a cost if these choices don’t necessarily make you happy.

Unrealised Potential: Each time you choose the comfortable route, you are leaving behind your true the prospect of your true abilities
Regret: Years down the line, will you wish you had pushed a little harder? Did you take that risk? Or did you pursue that passion?
Stagnation: While average feels comfortable it rarely leads to growth. To evolve, you must challenge the status quo. Your own, and the worlds.

The courage we are talking about isn’t high on the scale of outrageous, or of the heroic kind.It’s the quiet, persistent bravery that shows up every single day.

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Building the Courage to Be Exceptional

Define Your “Better”: What does better than the average mean to you? Do you want financial freedom, a healthier lifestyle, deeper relationships, an impactful career, or mastering a new skill?
Challenge Your Limiting Beliefs: “I’m not smart enough”, “It’s too hard”, “What will people think?” These are whispers of the average. Question them fiercely. Where did they come from? Are they truly correct?
Embrace Discomfort: Growth happens outside your comfort zone. Lean into the feelings of uncertainty, awkwardness and even fear. That’s where the magic happens.
Take Small, Consistent Actions:Courage does not have to start with a trip bungee jumping in Chile.Start by doing one small thing each day. Read an extra chapter of your book, send that uncomfortable email, dedicate 15 minutes to that overdue project. Consistency not only builds momentum but also confidence.
Seek Out Role Models: Surround yourself with people who are living more than an average lifestyle. Learn from their journeys, understand their struggles, and let their achievements inspire you.
Reframe Failure: Failure isn’t the opposite of success, it is the stepping stone on the path to achievement. When doing more than the average you will face failure. The courage lies in learning from it and trying again.

The path to doing better isn’t always glamorous. It is filled with hard work, self-doubt, and moments where you want to return to the safety of your comfortability. But the reward of a life worth lived, a potential realised, and the sense of genuine accomplishment is unmatched.

It takes courage to say, “I am capable of more”. You have to be brave to choose the harder path. Being determined helps you stand out from the ordinary. What will you do today to bravely step beyond the average and embrace the extraordinary in you? The world is waiting for you to show up.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Happiness Is A Motivator, Not a Distraction

19 Jan 2025 No Comments

Welcome to 2025! A year where we choose to be motivated over deflated.

I’m entering this year with so much happiness and pride. Although I’m a bit late to the party this year, I spent the last few days of 2024 reflecting on the past, looking back at old footage and historic posts. My final thoughts? The growth is real.

If I could be a meme, it would definitely be “calling God to make sure I’m not on the ‘strongest soldiers’ list this year” because, let’s be honest, I’ve suffered enough in this life! Putting all the dramatic flair aside, I’m over being the Warrior, the Lioness, the Femme Fatale constantly battling through life.

ethnic woman drinking wine in bathtub — Photo by Monstera Production on Pexels.com

Now, I’m not advocating for a “soft life” because living as a baby girl 365 days a year is not a realistic goal. But I’m no longer willing to spend my energy gearing up for war every single day. I want to be motivated by happiness and love, not by the fear of pain and strife.

Growing up Black, it often feels like happiness should be a fleeting emotion, not a sustainable lifestyle. Whether it’s facing systemic racism, navigating micro-aggressions, or enduring the well-intentioned but sometimes misguided advice of our elders, we’re often encouraged to prioritise struggle and sacrifice.

The Origins of Grind Culture

Our parents, driven by a desire to see us surpass their successes, prioritised the importance of relentless pursuit of goals, sometimes at the expense of celebrating key milestones along the way. I remember achieving a significant accomplishment as a child and receiving praise, but that elation was quickly overshadowed by the unspoken expectation: “Isn’t this what you’re supposed to do?” Of course, it’s truest. But shouldn’t we also celebrate the hard work and dedication that got us there instead of it being considered the bare minimum?

One of my biggest fears has been making final decisions in life, I recently tackled that getting engaged. Looking back, it was definitely one of the happiest times of my life. Yet, I found myself quickly wanting to move on, to return to “business as usual.” I thought that it was due to me never being into weddings, but I realised this wasn’t just about being a “typical” bride; it was a deeper-rooted fear of fully embracing joy. I worried that enjoying happiness would make me so vulnerable, that it could be easily taken away.

woman in green trench coat sitting and leaning against a concrete red brick wall — Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com

Fear or Flourish?

This fear was tragically amplified by the loss of a dear friend last year. We were just beginning to build a strong bond, sharing dreams and aspirations for the future. Her sudden passing was a devastating blow, reminding me of the fragility of life and the importance of cherishing every moment. This experience forced me to confront my fear of happiness head-on. I chose positivity over despair, deciding that I would no longer let fear dictate my life. I vowed to seize every opportunity that came my way and to truly recognise the joys along the journey.

This isn’t just personally, it’s a reflection of a broader societal issue. Growing up in communities often marginalised by the Western world, narratives of struggle and hardship often overshadow stories of abundance and joy. Our elders, despite their best intentions, may unknowingly continue these narratives, leading with stories of suffering that can leave us feeling burdened and limited in our options towards success.

Fortunately, the field of psychology has recognised the importance of “Subjective Well-being” – the idea that happiness and life satisfaction are not just fleeting emotions but important components for a fulfilling life. Research consistently demonstrates a strong correlation between happiness and increased productivity, creativity, and overall well-being.

woman in black t shirt sitting at the back of a van — Photo by KoolShooters on Pexels.com

Moving Forward

Embracing happiness isn’t about complacency; it’s about cultivating a mindset that fuels motivation from within. Celebrating milestones, big and small, reinforces our accomplishments and provides the energy to continue striving for our goals.

For me, finding happiness in my loving relationship has opened my eyes to new possibilities. It’s inspired me to explore new passions, to prioritise self-care, and to cultivate deeper connections with the people I love. It’s reminded me that joy is not a distraction but a powerful catalyst for growth and fulfilment.

If there is anything I want you to remember is, happiness is not a luxury; it’s a fundamental human right. Embrace it, nurture it, and let it fuel your journey towards a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Life Lessons From My Long Distance Love – The Gift I Never Saw Coming

26 Feb 2024 1 Comment

serious black student writing essay in notebook in park

Old habits die hard, so it has been difficult for me to accept this new chapter in my life. But last year I took my biggest leap of faith deciding to enter into a long-distance relationship. I am probably the most cautious person you will ever meet so it is completely unlike me to go against the grain in this way. Nevertheless, as I have said many times in previous posts for me to prosper things have to change. And I think I have done it in one of the most drastic ways.

As many 90-day fiance episodes I consumed I never saw myself opting for transatlantic love. I always quietly wanted a love that ran deeper than the ocean, with very little hassle and was within UK grounds. The cultural differences, barriers and financial implications that are major themes of the show never appealed to me, as the obstacles that are involved with love are hard enough to navigate. Saying this being thousands of miles apart from my boyfriend has had its strong positives, it has helped me learn things about the world that were long-time unanswered questions. Here are some key lessons I’ve learned along the way:

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Patience: An Unwavering Virtue

I hate waiting long periods for anything, as a Londoner that is even shorter as waiting more than 2 minutes for a train on the underground is considered grounds for a serious complaint. Being in a relationship means you are working with another person’s schedule and that can personally be one of the most frustrating things as they never manage to achieve it to my timely standard. My boyfriend is probably one of the calmest people I have ever met which at times makes him a lot slower than me to do things. As annoying as this can be, it serves as one of his most admirable qualities which makes me more mindful about when and how I approach situations. Taking my time to react or make a decision helps me manage my expectations and find joy in the little things.

multiethnic couple with copybooks studying on grassy lawn — Photo by Keira Burton on Pexels.com

Understanding Differences: Embracing the Tapestry of Culture

Although my partner and I originate from the same cultural background. Being a British citizen adds a whole new layer to our relationship. Despite speaking the same language, our customs often differ which can cause tension. I have always considered communication to be the key to success. Still, I can admit not being provided the right tools earlier on in life doesn’t always make me the perfect listener when situations are heightened. In a long-distance relationship, most of the time communication is all you have, but when you are talking from different positions it can put a strain on the union. Embracing these differences has been an enriching experience. We’ve learned to appreciate how our unique perspectives broaden our understanding of the world. It’s a constant learning process that keeps things interesting and supports working me with others in various environments.

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Trusting Your Heart: A Compass in Uncertain Seas

I have a fearful/avoidant attachment style, meaning that even though I desire closeness from others I am afraid of it not being reciprocated. So choose distance to protect myself. This has made me look at life in a more logical way ignoring the thoughts of my heart when making decisions. Throughout the time I have been in this relationship I have noticed the response of my heart becoming louder, where I could usually put the feeling to bed began showing up overtly (ps crying at the airport was not on my bucket list). Even though no relationship is perfect, this is showing me that my heart is capable of making great judgements. I am currently happy and creating this overseas bond has shown me how far believing in my abilities, and never counting myself out can take me. This newfound self-reliance has been empowering and has strengthened the foundation of trust within all of my relationships.

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Forgiveness: Not a Sign of Weakness

Forgiving but never forgetting has always been my motto, I used to think that you were the weakest link if you gave another person the opportunity to repeat an offence against you. Although that made me feel like my heart was safe and secure, the reality is I was putting unnecessary distance between me and what I truly wanted. We all have imperfections, learning to forgive, both myself and my partner, has been essential for maintaining harmony and encouraging positive self-talk. I now recognise that forgiveness isn’t about condoning mistakes, but about understanding and moving forward stronger, which has been a valuable life lesson.

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Independence: Saving Myself From Heartache

Being a witness to tumultuous relationships turned me off wanting to put my all into something that statistics would say is guaranteed to end in chaos. My hyper-independence is a security measure created to protect me not only from being hurt. But also to avoid hindrance from achieving my life goals. When getting married the bible talks about the strength of a 3 strand cord. I prefer the “two heads are better than one” concept but it was something that I have struggled to actualise. The distance doesn’t always allow my boyfriend to do everything I would like. However, whenever he takes the load of a weight I have been carrying be that by finding a solution to a long-standing problem, or intently listening to an emotional burden. It provides a reason as to why some things are that much better when there are 2 people in it together.

Long-distance relationships are not for the faint-hearted. But the lessons they offer are invaluable. Through patience, open communication, and embracing unique challenges, they can blossom into extraordinary journeys of growth and connection. Not only do they provide the possibility of building an impenetrable bond for you and your significant other. Furthermore allowing you to personally develop in ways you didn’t think were possible. Especially when you are doing it with the right one.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Living a Life of Fulfillment

29 Jan 2024 5 Comments

It started to feel like I was tired at the end of last year. Scratch that extremely exhausted. Neither in the end of the 9-5-week kind of way, nor in the lack of Vitamin D way that our GPs constantly warn us about. Just over the humdrum ways society has convinced us this is the way of life. It got me thinking about how drastically my levels of self-awareness have evolved. A few years ago I couldn’t tell my elbow from my forehead, every day seemed to merge into one. Same old routine and not being able to sober up before entering into a new one, talk about bad for business. I have written posts about ensuring you are factoring in rest to keep the mind and body healthy. (And if you haven’t read them yet you really should, they are great).

A holiday to a UK citizen is more precious than gold, frankincense and myrrh put together. We live for those 4 paid weeks out of the year when we can jet off to another destination where the sunshine has no limit. Only then do we feel that we have not only got a break but have had the opportunity to enjoy ourselves and live the life we were promised.

As an avid sun-seeker, I get it, but there have been times when running away from the stresses and strains of normality to another location isn’t a viable solution to my problem. I have learned that we must add some other elements to truly feel fulfilled in life.

Hobbies

We all believe that as we get older, we have to do away with childish, things and focus entirely on the elements that go towards the foundation which will secure our futures. Forgetting how those weekly quiz nights or the football club you were a part of in university served a positive purpose in making you who you are today. I Roller skated my whole life, but upon the birth of roller discos in the UK, I began to take it more seriously up into my mid-20s. As I focused on my career, taking courses, and accepting promotions were the only things that were important, condemning one of my favourite hobbies to rot in purgatory never to return. During a mental health de-clutter after a particularly testing point in my professional life, I found my beloved skates and it encouraged me to join a local group and reignite a childhood passion I used for play was now super useful in helping me shake off the pressures of an intense week. This simple activity has served as a healthy distraction and is the complete opposite of my normal routine allowing me to face what has overwhelmed me with a clear mind.

Companionship

No matter what anyone says we are not supposed to be alone. This doesn’t mean that we force ourselves into relationships with the first person who shows us attention, however, the feeling of being connected to someone or a part of a particular group supports us in ways that cannot always be explained but are naturally understood. Even though I recall thinking about the romantic aspects of our attachment during the breakup of my last relationship, it was our bond that was most valuable to me. Being able to have an individual to share the joys and burdens with was better than surpassing any milestone. This doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship; throughout the years I have developed affiliations with people whom I now consider family as they have seen me through most of my difficulties and triumphs. In your darkest hours, being alone may seem more comfortable, but no man is an island, let’s not kid ourselves.

Photo by Christina Morillo on Pexels.com

Education

No, I am not talking about re-taking that Math GCSE. Education is an umbrella term it could be something that gives you a qualification or picking up a new skill. Growing up I always had my head in a book, although studying did not deter me from it I was not consuming my preferred content which tends to be personal development or self-help. I always thought that there would be a point in life where a person would’ve mastered everything that one needed to live the perfect life. Reading has helped enhance my knowledge as well as shown me that there are no bounds to what we need to learn to not only persevere, but to be successful and get further ahead than our ancestors. Through educating myself I now understand some of the questions about life I have are normal. There is no such thing as the perfect life, and we are consistently within the learning phase no matter how old we get.

Movement

My last job had me consistently on my feet and in numerous locations a few times a week, it wasn’t until I became one of those crazy smartwatch wearers seeing myself clock in 20000 steps daily that realised how active I was. My current job is mainly office-based, and I have found my body struggling to manage the lack of movement particularly my brain which tries to put me to sleep around 2 pm daily. One day I tried everything from coffee to switching to a more menial task and nothing worked, it wasn’t until I donned my winter gear and braved the single-degree weather to go out for a walk that I appreciated the power of movement. Whenever I speak to people about scheduling a short walk into their day I am often met with the groans of “having too much to do” or “wanting to be productive” not grasping that taking a break from the very task they are struggling to complete can help them achieve their goal.

Being reared as a well-oiled machine, trained to compete prevented me from taking the time to nurture any side of life that wasn’t geared towards achieving a life goal. Living like this not only affects us physically but majorly impacts our psychological state tearing our souls away from what we truly align with.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Getting Back to Love

8 Oct 2023 3 Comments

I think I may have said this before, but ending my last relationship is placed up there with one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Not because of the love left between us, but because I felt like a big failure. I haven’t always been surrounded by the most uplifting sentiments in my formative years so that only further perpetuated the negative self-talk swirling around the world’s most jam-packed brain on earth.

During my time alone, I made the decision that I wanted to be alone for a WHILE! I got myself a Counsellor and told her I was done with love, all Knights in Shining Armour and Prince Charming’s need not apply because even the enchanted glass slipper itself couldn’t save the helpless tale called my love life. The saddest part of it was that I truly believed that there was no one on earth despite the majority of the countries in the world being overpopulated. For me, I felt broken beyond repair and not to mention at every turn there was an example of a failed relationship that gave me more ammunition because if they couldn’t do it what made me any different?

The other night I had to have a difficult conversation with someone I was close with about boundaries. If you know me well I do not enjoy this topic for various reasons:

It is the most cringe-worthy conversation known to man
People often don’t care and are focused on their own needs
The dialogue is usually filled with defence of their behaviour instead of hearing you out

I obviously left that conversation with a bitter taste in my mouth, but the anxiety alone put me back into rumination over my inability to hold a relationship together. I did the right thing and took to my journal and I came to a realisation that this burden wasn’t mine to carry alone as any relationship involves a minimum of 2 people who would equally have a hand in helping it last as well as the dissolution of it. At the start of this, I decided that I had to do things differently. I wasn’t sure what those things were, but I knew if I wanted to indulge in the greatness that is love I needed to exchange everything I thought I knew and embrace companionship with a fresh set of eyes. 10 months into the year and the deep reflection has been provoking to say the least, some of the intentions I am speaking into my next experience are;

Get out of the echo chamber: I have spent a lot of my time this year speaking about my love life with people who have been in relationships that have stood the test of time. As much as I like to think as a single woman experienced in relationships, the advice I give is only based on a very low level of commitment. Speaking to people who don’t have a get-out-of-jail-free card due to the level of investment involved has made me consider relationship resilience differently and review my approach differently when working with others.

Let go of the past: I have not been given the best examples of positive working relationships, and it is easy to take the stance that all of them end up in hell. But the reality is that is not the only result. Yes, they will be hard, but they can have a string of rewards. If you keep holding on to the ghost of Christmas past, you may be missing out on the bright future ahead of you.

Release expectations: One of the sayings that is a guiding principle stopping me from tanking every relationship dynamic I am involved in, is that the one thing that is consistent about people is they will let you down. This isn’t a personal thing, we are all different and have to make the choices that best suit us and sometimes that can go against what we want. If we put too much faith in people making certain decisions we will always end up disappointed, so allow people to make mistakes or choose not to listen to what you advise. As long as the respect is in place it demonstrates they are making an effort to work with you.

Have fun: At the ripe old age of 34, I would love to have the white picket fence and children running towards me with glee upon returning from a hard day’s work. Unfortunately, my life has not reached that chapter yet and honestly I am okay with that. So the thought of meeting someone and making that the focus of the bond I feel takes away from the enjoyment of getting to know someone. Although pressure can make diamonds it is a very tricky process. And when applied to the wrong stone it won’t become a shining gem but possibly disintegrate.

I have learned that love is a beautiful thing and there isn’t one right way to do it. Relationships can last forever or just for a few seasons. Despite all the difficult times and anguish, the opportunity to feel and grow through love provides lifelong lessons that can help you pass on in other situations. And as corny as it sounds remember to live, laugh, and love ❤️

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Revelations From A Closet Dreamer

24 Sep 2023 No Comments

Growing up my environment wasn’t the most conducive, although I happily claim the fact that I avoided teenage pregnancy, drug abuse or crime. The strict guidelines didn’t permit much space for exploration of the world or belief that my wildest dreams could become reality. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a dream but I often feel myself daydreaming about the possibilities of my life with no control over when or how they happen. But in an effort to focus on some of the humdrum tasks I bat them away like Serena at a grand slam final to continue with my day.

If you’re a regular reader of Diary of a Lost Soul, you’ll remember that I discussed this topic in “The Power of Intentional Thought”. Manifestation is another buzzword we millennials love to throw around but it has been alive in the spiritual world since the dawn of time. As it is something that is now a part of the era of personal development the Cambridge dictionary description of manifestation is a sign of something existing or happening, which is true but feels slightly soulless. However, upon exploring this amongst the spiritual realm the definition deepens to your hopes and aspirations coming to life through positive thought and meditation. I have always had the power to actualise be those positive or negative notions, but lately, those things have been way too spot on and it is severely freaking me out.

I am a prolific planner. While I wasn’t always like that, a few stumbling blocks in my teens allowed me to find my rhythm with structure, and it’s been blissful ever since. So my home is full of weekly planners, diaries, journals and notebooks I use to keep me on track daily, monthly and yearly and it truly has been the cornerstone of what has helped me be as successful as I am today. Saying this I sometimes think it borders on neuroticism as the potency of organisation allows me to believe that I have more control over the flow of life than possible. Whether you are religious, spiritual, or just putting one foot in front of the other sort of person. One thing we can all agree on is the power of the tongue. It is very embarrassing for me to admit that I didn’t take this phrase seriously as a youngster, I thought its only strength was to rid my gal pals of the pain from boys who wanted to get in their pants instead of nourishing their hearts as they claimed. And as I have been in my “growth bag” voicing what I would like to achieve quickly comes to fruition and not exactly how I expected it to be packaged throwing me into a frenzy forcing me to push the brakes and return to the safe zone to catch a breath.

Recently, I have been struggling with that issue because I have a burning desire for more festering within me that my overthinking pattern and the deep fear of failure are preventing me from igniting. Usually, every New Year’s Eve I stay home alone with a bottle of Champagne and vision board in order to manifest what I would like to achieve or experience over the next year. Last year I chose not to and took my first solo trip ever to soak up new experiences making a list of intentions for the year which have guided me to this point past the halfway mark of 2023 still smiling and with a boatload of opportunities. This has always been proven to be constructive however the end product is never what I expected in a way that shakes me to my core requiring me to act immediately, and if you have been reading this piece from the start you will know that is not my strong suit.

I write this post as an ode to all those who secretly fantasise over a life or world that they lock away over their logically well-thought-out 10-year plan. We dream for a reason and it is possible for those things to come true, if I stuck with the life plan I had at 19 I would have been living in America under Trump’s governance and I really think I am way too good for that. Sometimes you just have to get off the main road and follow the voice in your head that keeps telling you to discover what is amongst the beaten track it can be frightening but there can be so much enlightenment behind the darkness. Be it your economic status, other’s opinions, fear of failure, or just feeling the warmth of your comfort zone don’t suppress your dreams. If you are anything like me that shit will have you waking up in the middle of the night haunting you like a horror movie so lean into it and see where it will take you.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Overthinking Will Have Your Ship Sinking

10 Sep 2023 1 Comment

When I started Diary of a Lost Soul I decided that it would be a space where I used my personal stories to reach out to those far and wide who were probably experiencing the same things I was, finding it hard to work out this unpredictable journey we call life and were blaming themselves for making some mistakes along the way. I say all of that to expose myself as a chronic overthinker who is fed up of being consistently caught up in the matrix of rumination!

It’s clear to me from all the therapy I’ve had and the self-help books I’ve read that my overthinking pattern is impacted by several things;

1. Growing up with the concept of failure being negative

2. The oppression my culture has been subjected to

3. Societal constraints of living in an environment that although looks multicultural doesn’t reap the benefits of said title

My biggest issue with overthinking is the opportunities it has aided in me fumbling. I have definitely made more of a conscious effort in the recent years of my life to stop writing a dissertation in my brain before I make a decision, and act on something in the moment before I miss my chance. Despite my efforts to put on my big girl pants and tackle the situation, there is a full on governmental debate in my mind explaining why what I am considering might cause major trouble. Risk is a major fear of mine. I am terrified of making a choice that could put me in danger, cause me to fail, or worst of all require me to restart my life all over again. Reflecting back I think this is due to growing up and observing a lot of people make high risk decisions in their lives that unfortunately didn’t pay off. In the younger version of myself, I swore that I would not experience single parenthood, poor financial decisions, or relationship breakdowns that I witnessed people deal with poorly. My mind has been reciting that mantra so much that I think I have scared myself into following only the straight and narrow. Learning from the mistakes of others is important, but you can’t spend your life being afraid to live because someday there may be a casualty. Risks are sometimes necessary to help push you to the next stage in your development. If you don’t you could seriously limit your potential.

Even though I’m not a religious person, I’m learning to walk by faith and not by sight. There’s only so much I can control, since a path has already been laid out for me, and the more I try to be in control of the unknown, the more my destiny becomes like a mirage in the desert that could’ve been me. My school motto was “Carpe Diem,” which is Latin for seize the day, translated further by Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “Enjoyment and pleasure in the present without fear for the future.” When I was a teenager, I rolled my eyes every time I saw those words under an embossed logo. Today, though, they are words to live by.

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If you are anything like me and want to live a life that is overflowing with abundance you have to take a leap, stop allowing the narrative of doubt to block your blessings. It is really good to be risk adverse but not so much that it stops you from doing things that could make you truly happy. If there is anything my time as a devout Christian taught me is that the bible says that man is given 70 years of life, although reality teaches us that this isn’t a benchmark for everyone but if this was my 70 years would I want to spend it on the sidelines watching others lives play out or would I want to be a part of the action?

Overthinking can be a superpower, but don’t let it steal your joy.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Is Love Island Reality or Plunging us Further into Traumatic Bonds?

9 Jul 2023 1 Comment

Source: Daily Mail Online

*Disclaimer*

I do NOT watch Love Island. Unfortunately, my elaborate plan to avoid the content is foiled by my TikTok addiction and I am definitely not giving that up! Saying this, Tyrique and Ella’s twisted tale of a situationship turned wrong has posed a conversation I have been having within the last week with friends and some of our ever impressionable young girls who struggle to balance their emotions and logical reasoning.

I have always loved a sweet boy. Emotional intelligence, a studious nature, and no affinity to crime are qualities I have always found attractive. Growing up my “Girl Gang” would frequently take me on “linkages” (if you know you know) with boys who had no intention of having a serious relationship with them and it was notably evident in the lack of commitment in their language making statements such as “you know I am feeling you” even taking it so far as messaging my friend later and asking for my number. For years it has left me with the question, how many red flags do we need to recognise that this guy is just not interested?

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My motto has always been that I am a single girly until he asks me that status changing question, “will you be my girlfriend?” I have been ridiculed for this by most people male and female I have the conversation with, however I often end up victorious when I double down on how you calculate the start date of your relationship as I am often met with heavy stuttering and statements such as “does it really matter, who cares about an anniversary?” (raises right hand to God).

Ella and Tyrique sparked my creativity because their relationship or lack there of it is an ideal case study as to why communication is a vital key to any relationship. In my opinion he clearly displays uncertainty. This should be enough to show any woman that love built on shaky ground will easily collapse. No woman deserves a union built like the Tower of Pisa. The emotional side of us ladies mixed with the poor cultural lessons of our ancestors of the “a man will be a man era” have encouraged ignorance to raving warning signs of a man’s disinterest making it a personal attack resulting in us becoming more clingy or trying to change things about ourselves to become desirable. We are beautifully and wonderfully made. Not saying we don’t all need a tune up or tweak as we travel along the windy roads that are called life. But we should never be drastically altering ourselves or working against moral codes to fit in with anyone or in any place.

Men like Tyrique are incredibly easy to come by. Not to degrade or bash him at all, but it clearly highlights high levels of immaturity and unfortunate low levels of respect for women. When we see these things we should run for the hills and into the arms of a dude who isn’t afraid to put a title and terms and conditions on the healthy bond you both see in your future. Would you leave your current job for one without a signed contract in place? Don’t get me wrong, Ella isn’t an angel as Casa Amor gave her the opportunity of a Uzi. This appears to be a man who wants to establish something concrete with her. Despite being in a great position Ella is following a man she has no real ties to around the Villa potentially jeopardising an opportunity for real love.

I will keep it real. We are often drawn to people for a number of reasons. If there is anything my many stints in therapy have taught me we often attract what we have always known, so if we have experienced growing up abandonment or inconsistent care givers our anxious attachment style entices those who have no intention of providing us with a committed relationship like the allure of the Lombada. The only way we can break free from this trauma bond is by increasing our love for ourselves, and experiencing relationships that aren’t focused on people pleasing as these only support depreciation of our value. Everyone deserves to be a part of a loving relationship. If they don’t appreciate it enough to make it long-term no matter how resourceful you are it won’t work.

Moral of the story, If he can’t commit let that Mango (get it)

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Why Aren’t We Gatekeeping Our Community?

15 Oct 2022 No Comments

It is only within the last few years that I have felt comfortable with talking about the issues my community faces. Being black although it is something I am well beyond proud of is something that large parts of the world have always had a huge problem with. I don’t think there will ever be an adequate explanation for why people feel this way about us. But what I have become completely perplexed by is the surge of candidates who aren’t black. These individuals make it their mission to discuss our plight and advocate for what they consider to be our needs despite never walking a day in our shoes. I don’t want anyone to think I am the kind of person that believes that if we don’t share the same skin tone you can’t be a part of any discussions related to us or our history, but it becomes infuriating when those of us who have lived experience are drowned out by the spectators whose platform has been afforded to them through the privilege their hue offers them.

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The post for this week is inspired entirely by the spiral we could call the downfall of YouTuber Murad Murali. His content centered not only on societal injustice, but on the struggles of black women in particular. However in the last couple of months he has been exposed for allegedly not only having unpalatable sexual preferences but this being geared to the degrading of black people. Unfortunately Murad is not the only individual who has masqueraded as a champion for the black community. Influencers such as James Charles, and Elle Darby have marketed themselves to be in support of ethnic minorities through the products they sold or promoted. Despite your efforts to re-brand, the internet serves as that everlasting receipt nobody wants to receive. It will bring back all your torrid memories no matter how far you’ve progressed.

As a result of repeated incidents such as these, I am compelled to ask: why do we allow others to represent us when we have more than enough to say on the matter?e mindful not to put the blame on the oppressed because as we are all aware that those who are marginalised have a mountain of hurdles to get over just to be considered as credible. And content creators such as Topical Juice, Kelechi Okafor and Guh Deh Phillip have dedicated their careers to speaking out on black issues without the level of recognition they deserve and continue to do so with their chest despite being shunned from rooms they are entitled to dominate. But when I look at the Jewish and Asian communities I wonder why they haven’t got anyone else but themselves at the forefront of their lobbying groups?

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As it has become more acceptable to discuss the race and equality issues borne out of this countries history I have noticed the more people have felt obliged to speak out about it either with the means to forge solidarity, or bandwagonists searching for their next pop-culture topic to fast track traffic to their platforms. I am aware that in order for us to truly tackle this issue at it’s core will involve a multi-cultural approach including involvement from all sides but it has to be led by those who are subjected to the persecution as nobody knows the issues better than those facing them.

What I am trying to say is we need to do better at protecting ourselves and what we own as a community. There are too many stories of our ideas, thoughts and looks being stolen by those who have used comaradery or manipulation to convince us that they are a helping hand. Saying this, we as a community need to see each other as partners and not competition. The crabs in a barrel mentality will only rob us of what we deserve; not only do we need to support those in power, we also need to educate ourselves to maintain what we have gained; otherwise, we will only hand it back to those that have not worked for it.

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