Diary of a Lost Soul

Why Aren’t We Gatekeeping Our Community?

15 Oct 2022 No Comments

It is only within the last few years that I have felt comfortable with talking about the issues my community faces. Being black although it is something I am well beyond proud of is something that large parts of the world have always had a huge problem with. I don’t think there will ever be an adequate explanation for why people feel this way about us. But what I have become completely perplexed by is the surge of candidates who aren’t black. These individuals make it their mission to discuss our plight and advocate for what they consider to be our needs despite never walking a day in our shoes. I don’t want anyone to think I am the kind of person that believes that if we don’t share the same skin tone you can’t be a part of any discussions related to us or our history, but it becomes infuriating when those of us who have lived experience are drowned out by the spectators whose platform has been afforded to them through the privilege their hue offers them.

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The post for this week is inspired entirely by the spiral we could call the downfall of YouTuber Murad Murali. His content centered not only on societal injustice, but on the struggles of black women in particular. However in the last couple of months he has been exposed for allegedly not only having unpalatable sexual preferences but this being geared to the degrading of black people. Unfortunately Murad is not the only individual who has masqueraded as a champion for the black community. Influencers such as James Charles, and Elle Darby have marketed themselves to be in support of ethnic minorities through the products they sold or promoted. Despite your efforts to re-brand, the internet serves as that everlasting receipt nobody wants to receive. It will bring back all your torrid memories no matter how far you’ve progressed.

As a result of repeated incidents such as these, I am compelled to ask: why do we allow others to represent us when we have more than enough to say on the matter?e mindful not to put the blame on the oppressed because as we are all aware that those who are marginalised have a mountain of hurdles to get over just to be considered as credible. And content creators such as Topical Juice, Kelechi Okafor and Guh Deh Phillip have dedicated their careers to speaking out on black issues without the level of recognition they deserve and continue to do so with their chest despite being shunned from rooms they are entitled to dominate. But when I look at the Jewish and Asian communities I wonder why they haven’t got anyone else but themselves at the forefront of their lobbying groups?

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As it has become more acceptable to discuss the race and equality issues borne out of this countries history I have noticed the more people have felt obliged to speak out about it either with the means to forge solidarity, or bandwagonists searching for their next pop-culture topic to fast track traffic to their platforms. I am aware that in order for us to truly tackle this issue at it’s core will involve a multi-cultural approach including involvement from all sides but it has to be led by those who are subjected to the persecution as nobody knows the issues better than those facing them.

What I am trying to say is we need to do better at protecting ourselves and what we own as a community. There are too many stories of our ideas, thoughts and looks being stolen by those who have used comaradery or manipulation to convince us that they are a helping hand. Saying this, we as a community need to see each other as partners and not competition. The crabs in a barrel mentality will only rob us of what we deserve; not only do we need to support those in power, we also need to educate ourselves to maintain what we have gained; otherwise, we will only hand it back to those that have not worked for it.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

You Have to Secure Your Life Vest First

25 Sep 2022 No Comments

I have been thinking about holidays a lot lately, and it isn’t because I didn’t have a fruitful summer or take any memorable and well-enjoyed trips but because burnout is a real thing. I forewent flying out this year for a few reasons:

Summer gave what it was supposed to give this year in the UK
If I had booked a holiday and it was delayed due to the baggage issues plaguing the news I would’ve lost my shit and all concepts of relaxing would’ve gone straight out the window
Working with other people’s needs, wants and schedules are enough to make me want to tear my body parts limb by limb (I joke, I kid, well not completely)

In a nutshell, I didn’t fly out this year because I didn’t have any help with arranging the trip that was necessary to keep my peace. This would be the first trip without a partner to share the load, and boy was it evident that having a helpmate was key to this formula’s success. The British part of my identity has always inspired me to do things that are adventurous. However, I would face disinterest or discouragement from those closest to me making me question whether I should be taking this leap of faith.

I started to feel unfulfilled because of these missed experiences due to the fear of being alone and could no longer push away the FOMO nesting in various crevices of mybody. So, I decided to throw the middle finger at my naysayers and do what needed to be done. My cheesy reference to holidays is to remind us that even the safety videos of instructions they play just before the plane takes off give us a vital notion that is bigger than physical safety “you have to secure your lifejacket first before helping someone else”. Once an idea resonates with me, I am ready to act on it right away. However, despite this being a helpful tool to traject me to my current space in life it hasn’t been a very effective implement for those around me. It has given the impression that less work is needed if I am at the top of the plan, and this left me with that all too well-known feeling of being disregarded or uncared for as I was always considering the compulsions of others before questioning my own capacity.

Unless you have a gang of kids, or are knee-deep in a marriage (sorry, can’t relate) the only person you are responsible for is yourself and that includes your happiness. Some of our cultures tether us to other people wrapped in beliefs and morals that have hindered some of the decisions we have or haven’t made and that may have left an empty hole or a weight of rumination that often plagues our minds producing a gaping hole of resentment for ourselves or those who imposed those values. But the truth is that this world and your life are yours, not anyone else’s. If you consistently live up to the expectations or requirements of others you could really be putting your mental health at risk. This isn’t an easy hit to come back from.

Respectful Memes Twitter: @respectfulmemes

Being a 90’s baby is my favourite superpower because it was within the depths of these archives that the advice for this post was recovered. Sailor Moon who is my only claim to the anime society said, “You know who is gonna give you everything, you”. When you dedicate your life to constantly being at the beck and call of everyone else but yourself, not only are you missing out on what the world has to offer but you are creating the prerequisite that even the safety of others is more important than others and this simply isn’t true. Contrary to what we have been told, giving should always come from your overflow, not your reserve, because how can you help another while you’re in danger?

So there is no use trying to keep someone else afloat if you can’t even tread water. When observing those around you notice how they determine the amount of energy towards a request, assessing how much you can give before making a move isn’t wrong. Self-love isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

In This Dark World Your Enthusiasm Will Be A Problem

11 Sep 2022 2 Comments

I have received positive feedback this week, but I am left with many questions, as I should be filled with elation bursting at the seams for hitting a target both professionally and personally that will propel me forward toward my carefully curated year-long plan as I look forward to it. In light of this, I ended yesterday on an all-time low because of comments made about my characteristics, which I have always heard but never really understood.

It has been brought up in other posts, but my personality type hasn’t always been well received by most people. Because of this I have struggled to understand people and their motives. In an effort to grow as an individual, in my 20s I set myself a task to take more time to explore these feelings for myself and others. This was so that overall I could have better relationships. Although this was helpful, I found myself tormented by other’s expectations of me and became clear about my people-pleasing nature which in turn manifested into a lack of self-care and self-awareness. By the time I was 30 I was awakened and embarked on the journey of self-discovery, so I consolidated my own wants and needs and located my voice (although it still wavers at times). I would love to say this has the ending of a chick flick movie where the teenie boppers are destined to have a long-lasting relationship supporting each other towards their dreams, but sadly no. This is more like a horror movie where only the lead character survives and wonders how civilisation is going to survive amidst the devastation.

I may be sounding slightly dramatic, but I think it is fair as I am just wrapping my head around these emotions. But I think we are so caught up in deciding how people should present instead of understanding that we all hold our place in society. In other words if you don’t like the way I am you should probably just drink your water and mind your business. I know this is a personal issue and we can never be entirely sI have received positive feedback this week, but I am left with many questions, as I should be filled with elation bursting at the seams for hitting a target both professionally and personally that will propel me forward towards my carefully curated year-long plan as I look forward to it. In light of this, I ended yesterday on an all-time low because of comments made about my characteristics, which I have always heard but never really understood.

Being oneself is not celebrated enough, and if you were like me, who had dreams of living life unapologetically with a passion that burns brighter than the sun, you might have been shocked to discover that adult circles can be just as divisive and juvenile as those in the playground. It is possible to be ridiculed and ostracised for wanting change and taking action to alter your environment. This is because it is not easy to evoke positivity and these views can be shot down by those who perceive themselves as your allies.

Despite my spiral I have been fighting to move past these feelings so have relied on echoed advice from some of my trusted advisers that is helping me lean towards the resilient side of my soul. We all need feedback to grow. That can mean we are provided with comments that highlight areas for development. These can be hard to receive but these should not be used as a weapon to bring us down or encourage majorly changing our character to suit the crowd. There is nothing wrong with being yourself and although that might cause contention among some of the groups you may be subscribed to it doesn’t mean you need to overhaul yourself to fit in because I am sure even if you make those changes they will still return with further alterations. Overall keep shining your light even if it burns people’s eyes, misery often loves company and even if people struggle to manage the bounce in your step it is better to be enthusiastic bringing brightness to the darkness of this world.

P.S I hope this post provides as much healing for you as it has for me in these last 48 hours 🥰

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Balance Over Consistency

28 Aug 2022 4 Comments

It has been an interesting month for me, I have been busier than a bee, which has caused my priorities to go out of whack. This has prevented me from meeting my expectations. If you have an annual pass to High Achievers Ville like myself then you will know how much of a downer that puts you in. My biggest defeat has been dropping the ball on my consistent blog posting. This is because I promised myself when I restarted writing that I would improve my writing by posting twice a month as a means to increase this over time. And I would only break that standard if the situation was life or death. My usual pattern of behaviour after considering that I have disgraced my character by not sticking to an agreed plan or goal would be to spend various amounts of time being self-critical and crowning myself a complete failure for not managing my own goals. I mean what kind of advisor can I be if I struggle to maintain my own standards? In the spirit of emotional regulation I chose to take a different approach this time and I feel like it has made me a better person. So here are some of the methods I used to reframe dropping the ball.

Positive Self-Reflection

Instead of concentrating on what I was unable to achieve and attending the pity party of all I haven’t done, I took time to consider all that I had completed and found that my reason for not hitting my target this month was due to the summer being prime time for my 9-5, a lot of my personal time was relinquished to the responsibilities of my full-time job and that is my writing time. A rule of thumb for me nowadays that I use at work to support my anxiety around underperforming is to make my To-Do List at the start of the day and cross the items off as I go along also adding any ad-hoc tasks that were not a part of my original plan but still things that needed to be done. When I look back at what my day consisted of, I still get left with light pangs of the anguish of what still remains, however, feel rest assured by everything I was able to achieve and that I was not a slave to procrastination or mismanagement of time.

Going With The Flow

I am a control freak in recovery, so I strongly believe that everything in my life happens because of the actions I do or do not take. Not only is this the biggest lie of life, but it also puts a lot of pressure on me to unceasingly be accountable for why something goes right or wrong in my life when really we often don’t have a say in how something goes. Growing older has taught me no matter how hard I try to re-route the satnav of life I end up at the destination I was leaping over hills and valleys I tried to avoid. As a creative I need moments of peace in order to produce content. I have found I am more likely to get writers block when I try to tackle all responsibilities at once like a chaotic superhero. Instead, I need to take time to allow the juices to flow. With time, I’ve been becoming more relaxed with the motto “Kay Sera, Sera” and as our younger generation says now, “Charging it to the Game”, since constantly trying to overpower life is not only exhausting, but also impossible. Sometimes you just have to ride the wave and pick up the lessons amongst the current.

Extend Kind Self-Talk

My line of work is to motivate others to make different decisions about their lives which I believe I do quite well. Unfortunately, I am awful at doing this for myself and often catch moments of me groaning in public about that expired duty no matter how hard I try I just can’t get to (trust me I do this out loud and it is very embarazzing). I have been counter-acting all my soliloquy’s of negativity with mantra’s of acceptance of my current position to reassure myself through, the messages put out into the world around the hate embedded in society which I wholeheartedly agree with. Although the sting is different when it involves your inner self-critic something that can leave you in turmoil for days. Reminding myself that it isn’t my fault and that I am doing a great job with the disorder to stop me from spiralling into the depths of despair.

Moral of the story is to make like Jay Z and get that dirt off ya shoulders because you will fall off route at some point. But what matters is how you get back on track. In order to be productive, you have to release control and allow the universe to take the reins. Plot twist, did your progression stop because you were heading the wrong way?

Now leave me so I can relish in the generational curse I just broke…

Diary OF a Lost Soul

You’re Not a Failure, Just Cumulatively Disadvantaged

25 Jul 2022 3 Comments

In the earlier stages of the year whilst the working Joe and Joanna Bloggs of the world were barely holding on to their edges some of the socioeconomically privileged were using platforms handed to them fixing their mouths to provide unsolicited advice about why we aren’t achieving our dreams. I chose to ignore Molly Mae’s comments about us all having the same 24 hours in a day and address it on my Twitter feed. And when self-acclaimed “It Girl” Kim Kardashian told us all to “get off our asses and work hard”, something some nations have been doing since the days of slavery I was too hot to turn it into ever the articulate dragathon she deserves. But as I was posting the first blog of this month I came across a term called Cumulative Advantage. This term has provided the context needed to push this argument to another level. Cumulative Advantage explains how the benefits of a group or individuals enhance, increasing the inequalities amongst the marginalised. This has a knock-on effect on society as time moves on those who were considered to have societal disadvantages are provided with more hurdles to reach their goal.

This concept is not original, it is up there with intersectionality, socioeconomic inequality and the social graces that explain the various ways the world is sectioned into the deprived and the overly advantaged. However, still, those who have spent copious amounts of their lives trying to achieve a certain status or goal are considered lazy and not impoverished due to their societal status. I write this post because there have been times in my life that I have believed that because of what I have been provided I was unworthy or incapable of reaching my heart’s desires. In my ignorance, I did not realize that the reason for my failure had nothing to do with my own personality traits. Instead, it had to do with factors that were fixed when I was born. These factors included where I was born, my ethnicity, gender and financial status that I had no control over. We have always known that for certain demographics they will have to put in more than the 10,000 hours allotted to master a craft as a resting bitch face depending on your race can result in you being judged when you innocently disappeared into a random daydream.

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Influencers such as Molly Mae and The Kardashians benefit from cumulative advantages as their position within society and notoriety affords them the abilities to accumulate businesses that quickly take off making millions and are considered for deals at a higher price whilst you may be asked to do it for free items instead of payment. Although they argue that they didn’t start at this point in their careers which it is fair to say, all the same, they didn’t start from the trenches. They all started from a middle-class background, having access to contacts and resources that many could only imagine access to. (Not to mention the stealing of the less fortunate’s business ideas and passing them off as their own but I will save that for another post)

Without discouraging you from that business plan you are sections through or that YouTube page with an abundance of content you have that may not have attracted the attention of the right people, you aren’t doomed. One of our time’s greatest quotes “work smarter, not harder” is one way to combat the curse of the underprivileged. I was taught for so long that working hard would catapult me to success which isn’t entirely wrong, but society’s structure doesn’t support this method to be as productive when used in isolation. There is wealth in networking and collaborating with others that aren’t a part of the work-hard model. We have an opportunity to tip the scales considering as time moves and trends alter so do our chances to go up a rung on the ladder.

Our age should not be used as a form of measurement for life accomplishments, sometimes we are barriers to achievements, whereas other times it will be the constructs built into the world we live in that are preventing this. Moral of the story is don’t be hard on yourself but also refrain from allowing this theory to discourage your plan to whatever your wildest dreams consist of. Always remember you’re not a failure, just cumulatively disadvantaged.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Cry, Journal, Pray

10 Jul 2022 3 Comments

Looking back, but moving forward has been the motto ever since I restarted blogging this year because self-reflection is a vital tool to help us improve our lives, rumination over experiences or feelings may leave us more stagnant than a local London pond and we all know Rea ain’t got time for that!

As I shared in my last post, comments about me having a special anointing that gives me superhero levels of immunity to the stresses and strains life hands out are heavily refuted because for as long as I can remember I could never say that I have had an easy life so struggle and setbacks have been something I have more than a clear understanding of. Across the world, we were all united by the experience of the great lockdown of 2020. Like everyone else, I too planned a fruitful year that would challenge all those before it. But as 1 year of the crisis quickly turned to 2 I started looking up at God and just checking to see if this is the plan he had laid out for me.

I probably experienced one of my biggest depressive bouts during this time, not only because I felt I couldn’t fight the caged animal scenario playing out before my eyes. But because I felt like some of the most valuable years of my life were dwindling and I was powerless against it. During these days of darkness I developed a process that I still use today as a tool to help me get back on my feet: Cry, Journal, Pray.

Cry

As a black woman who now holds a professional position of power, I was taught that I had to be devout of all emotions publically in order to be successful. This is what I would consider a half-truth, as a team needs a leader who has exemplary control and that definitely cannot be demonstrated if they have a meltdown at the thought of a decision needing to be made. However, allowing myself to be vulnerable and cry has probably made me my strongest. This is because it provides me with the ability to release the tension I store in the different spaces of my body due to putting on a brave face for the masses.

I always advise people to schedule in a good cry to let go of those pent-up frustrations. According to Psychology Today, 50% of people feel better after crying whereas only 10% have reported they have felt less well after a despair session. This proves that crying is a response to support, not to make us look like a bag of walking hormonal disruptions.

Journal

When I am most overwhelmed I find it nearly impossible to verbally express myself. It has gotten so unbearable at times that some of my longest commutes to work I have done in silence as the sound of my favourite choons no longer gives me the feels but serves as an annoyance. Journaling has been a comforting technique as the pen has taken over when I have difficulty finding the words to explain where my state of mind has taken me. As an active member of the negative self-talk society, I use my journal to put the ideas that cloud my brain into written format and rid me of anxious and doubtful concepts setting up a war camp in my brain. Putting these on paper allows me to address and validate them. I can then decide whether they need to be actioned or released into the wild so I can focus on the more positive aspects of my life.

Outside of my personal journals I keep locked away in my secret crypt nobody will ever find (insert evil laugh), Diary of a Lost Soul has served as my public digital journal. Sharing my thoughts with you all has been a major part of my healing process. This is especially true when I receive feedback. It is encouraging to know I am not alone in my experiences and that my posts make others feel like they belong in this lonely world.

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Pray

When I was on my Christian walk I found so much solace in talking to God. I would do it in private and that was when I was my most vulnerable sharing things that the closest people to me wouldn’t know I was dealing with. Now that I have taken a more spiritual perspective on life I still pray and it has proven to be a verbal way of letting go of any stressful notions but also supports me in taking a solution-based outlook on the issues I face.

It is always considered that you have to be religious or have a relationship with God in order to pray, the way how I see it prayer is about being thankful or asking for guidance. This is something you can do no matter your beliefs. I am a self-appointed level 14 control freak who spends alot of her day finding ways to avoid her life emulating an epic car crash. Thus, it is a relief to give the universe control over an outcome when I’ve run out of theories or have lost the will to continue.

Trusting the process is a cheesy anecdote but have been words I have ended my most strenuous days in greater stead. Like the legendary Nipsey Hussle said, “Life ain’t a sprint, it’s a marathon”. So permit yourself to set down whatever it is you are battling with and give yourself that well-needed mental break before considering how you might solve it, trust me you will feel better for it.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

“Be the Change You want to see” Oxymoron or Wise Words?

26 Jun 2022 8 Comments

I was raised to be a high achiever, not necessarily academically, but constantly curious about the world, seeking the things that are available, and trying to be better than the status quo. On top of that, it was also drummed into my head that as a black woman the version of myself I put out into the world needed to be one of high distinction so opportunities were endless for me. The older I got the more I realised that I was set apart from my peers and was even bullied for my vast vocabulary (a massive thanks to my mum being a dedicated educator), and voicing my opinions on not only pop culture topics but the societal issues that were affecting my demographic and beyond.

I was always told that this way of thinking and living was the way to be as it would catapult me towards all my hopes and desires. When I find myself in situations where I need to integrate into peer groups or search for a suitable male companion I feel like this is far from the truth. In the past I allowed the non-correlative message to encourage me to adjust my personality to suit the crowd, sort of like code-switching for social purposes. Nowadays I do not allow disbelief to make me question the character this way of living has built, but it does make me wonder how practical this advice is?

Whether it is a personal development-inspired social media page or a book penned by a self-help guru somewhere amongst the pages will be a quote that explains that we have to “be the change we want to see in the world”. According to these conservative party paved streets, this message is not ringing through. Almost everywhere you turn it seems that the idea of looking after oneself obscures those that are about serving and improving the community we live in. I am passionate about giving back, my whole career is based (and trust it is not for the money) so I often get frustrated when I see people begging for there to be an alteration in the direction this world is heading in whilst refusing to sacrifice their immediate needs to make it happen.

I often challenge this methodology because I believe that people can do whatever they want with the right mindset. Comments such as “not everyone is like you” throw me into a Charizard like fit of rage because as much as my favourite relatives told me I really am not that special so my decision to make better choices isn’t a personal characteristic but the determination I have not to allow generational curses to be a guiding principle in my future. I think the real problem is that people do not want to let go of their favourite vices that solve short-term issues. For example, the pandemic provided the world with not only reflective time, but also more extensive information about how our rights are slowly and quietly being taken away from us which a large percentage of the population is privy to. It may mean that to fight back and restore justice you will have to give up your favourite brand that continues to support those who champion poor humanistic rights or join those protesting. Sadly, many people feel this is too much of a sacrifice to make, so they continue on their current path.

The reality of the situation is that there will only be a difference in the world and to the experiences, we are having when we decide to do the work. We can rely on others to be agents of change but in this game, it is a combination of quality and quantity that will help us prevail overall. We need the ever-diverse versions of people as this helps all roles in society be fulfilled. Each one of these positions has a part to play in making this world more harmonious for the remaining time we have on earth and for those who occupy it in the future.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

You’ve Got to Drop Some Dead Weight to Make it to the Shore

4 Jun 2022 No Comments

The challenges of life are ongoing. Whenever I get a moment to take a pause and stand still I notice that the presence of hardships is probably the only consistent thing in this world. Now I know you’re probably thinking “Rea I thought you were supposed to be our beacon of positivity” but I say this to remind you all and myself that no matter where we are at this moment, we all have moments of discourse with the life we are currently living.

One of my biggest computer game boss level issues is with relationships. In the past, I blamed myself for finding it so challenging to maintain positive relationships no matter who they were with. But when I take into consideration the Molotov Cocktail of representation I was given by those who came before it isn’t unsurprising that I am not storing the secret formula to this equation in my back pocket. From being abandoned by my father at a young age, family feuds, friendship failures, and sprinkled in failed romances, why would it be certain that these situations would be a walk in the park for me?

These growing pains have often thrown me head first into a turbine of confusion, remembering phrases I felt were permanently etched onto school reports that made me the sole purpose for not having the picture-perfect group of girlfriends or that white picket fence worthy family. Lately, I have found myself in situations where I have had to make a choice between me and my self-worth, or meeting the needs of others. People pleasing and desperate for others’ approval teenage me would have run faster than Usain Bolt to make those around her feel happy. But older, wiser, grown and fed up Rea has sent them on their way with a first-class ticket to any destination as long as it is out of my life.

Now, please don’t misconstrue this and use it as an opportunity to cut off that family member who keeps asking you for money. I now have a clearer understanding of relationships and their ups and downs. In order for them to survive they require deep work from both parties. But if said affinity has such an anchor on it that it prevents you from achieving your goals, being your finest version or affecting your mental health it might be time to drop that dead weight. Society convinces us that we need to have a bankroll of instagrammable worthy flicks in our camera reel. These concepts can often make us hold on to people in our lives who don’t make us feel positive about ourselves and support us in the ways we need.

The one thing that has kept me stabilised in these moments of anarchy is that time is a healer and revealer of all things. I spent so much of my younger years providing for those around me. I lost the true essence of who I was because I was forced to believe that being alone was sad and embarrassing so leaned into false senses of security with people who didn’t have sincere intentions. My biggest regret is that upon reflection I have noticed that it has had an effect on my progression. At times I lost my shine and glitter because I was handing it out to others daily. This was in exchange for lacklustre love, and it was only when I cut off their supply that I was able to experience my full potential.

Contrary to popular belief it is not wrong to discontinue a relationship that doesn’t serve you. Our lives are individual journeys so it is your choice who gets to tag along for the ride. To keep going, your village needs to be strong as you celebrate wins and nurse wounds after losses. If those around you refuse to be your cornerstone you are not the problem. No matter how much they tug and pull if it doesn’t help keep your head up it is okay to let it be. 9 times out of 10 the reason why said individuals try so hard to manipulate you is because they know your value and it is about time you saw it so you can reach your full potential. So whether it is an unhealthy bond with a friend, foe, family member or career choice get rid of that baggage that is weighing you down and look ahead because all you want to achieve is straight ahead.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

The Power of Intentional Thought

22 May 2022 4 Comments

Intentional thought is coined from the philosophy of Intentionality. This is described as the quality of our thoughts, beliefs, desires and hopes being directed towards some form of object or state of affairs. In laymen’s terms, or as the self-help gurus who have littered many of our bookshelves may say, you become what you think.

If there is anything that my life has shown me it is that what I speak out into the universe be it verbally, or that oh so familiar internal thought train that often goes whizzing past in my brain it will come to pass in some kind of way. Because of this, I have learned to not only ask for what I want but also have an intention behind it. This means that 9 times out of 10 I get what I want in an indirect way.

In my late twenties, I was struggling with some aspects of my life, and as I had spent some of my adolescent years in the church, my lack of hope and faith in my abilities led me towards the place where most people have testified to have experienced an awakening and turned their fruitlessness into blooming fields of blossoming crops. It was amongst this community that I learnt about the term purpose. I feel like my life has always had a purpose. Unlike some of my age mates, I knew the field my career would be directed in from the age of 16, I quickly identified that it was a passion of mine and something I would be happy doing come what may. What I did not know was how this premeditated goal would manifest itself.

The reality is our minds are an extremely powerful tool. Having the right focus increases the chances of our lives being more successful, leading to endless possibilities. When left to aimlessly wander with no direction we could be forced down dark narrow paths with no concept of where we are being led.

Another aspect of this perception is that what we are consuming can also induce the psychological patterns we fall into. For example, one of my favourite things to do is watch reality tv. At one point I think I was watching every city within the Real Housewives franchise mixed in with every season of the Kartrashions. These mindless shows were perfect because after a long week at work asking my brain to do anything thought-provoking was like torture. However, I found myself becoming entrapped within the underworld of the privileged adopting their petty ways of dealing with first world problems that are definitely not a true reflection of the world I live in. In the end, it tricked me into wanting my life to meld into theirs without knowing all the details bundled in pain, imagery, and downright fakery that would have never been included on my wish list.

It is imperative we remind ourselves that we must be clear about what we are asking for. This is because it will be given to us but not always packaged in the way we thought. Begging for fame, money, or even that 21 plate Range Rover comes with so many pitfalls that those who have succeeded in acquiring these things do not discuss the difficulties that accompany them. The countless tales of people seeming as if they are living at the top of their game. However, they end their lives is enough to show us that the joy in getting what you desire is rooted in the purpose you will use it for.

Regardless of what your core beliefs are, I believe we have all been put on earth for a reason so we might as well make it count for something. The world can be such a dark and regurgitating place that it is a breeding ground for our self-talk to be dominated by the things we don’t have. Remember that the grass is greener where you water it. Therefore, it is critical to understand what you want from the universe, because you will have to stay 10 toes down when it gets here.

Diary OF a Lost Soul

Can I Be Compassion Fatigued in Peace?

8 May 2022 1 Comment

Speak highly of us, or don’t mention us at all.
A tired black woman

Lately, I have been a lot more frustrated than usual. If you read my last post you will know I am fresh out of a down period. But after some deep reflection, I realised this irritation came from a brand new source. For us, millennials and the Gen Z population social media is no longer just a marketing or communication tool. Instead, it is how we keep up to date on current affairs, although it can be a very dark place at times, particularly when sensitive matters are at the forefront of the conversation.

As we know, being black despite the gender has always been considered a problem for some members of society, nonetheless being a black woman has its own vitriol tied to it which I think I have now become exhausted by. Every time I step out of my work enforced bubble looking for light humour or spiritual education I am met with another tale of abuse directed towards my sisters be it verbal, physical or even resulting in death and my compassion for those who are inflicting or complicit in such experiences has worn thin.

I don’t want anyone to think that by writing this post I am dismissing the plight of my black brothers or that it is only men that are deciding to adopt this position as some members of the girl gangs silence makes them any less duplicitous. I can only write from my own experiences and if you are a black man reading this post I hope that there is content on this strange inter-web that speaks to your pain or concerns. But the intersectional marginalisation linked to being a black woman is not only something that we are subjected to by those who differ from us, but from our own counterparts who are supposed to be and sometimes attempt to mask as our protectors. In the last month the countless tales of abuse shared from prolific women and our regular-degular average Joanna’s has been harrowing to say the least, and not only are we consistently thrown these injustices but when we talk about these experiences in an effort to spread awareness and educate society we are told that we should be quiet because it isn’t a nice thing to do.

My therapeutic release and educational tools are written right here on this blog, and other women have chosen to use other formats to do the very same thing. Despite me not always agreeing with some of the views shared by some of the women who have been survivors of acts of these kinds, it doesn’t give anyone the right to silence them because of it. We have a right to tell our stories with as much anger, pain, sadness or venom we choose as they are ours to tell. As someone who has experienced abuse from close family members, sharing these experiences with men rarely ever resulted in feeling protected and cared for, but laced with silence or statements that allow the abusers to defend their behaviour. In a world where technology provides us with the opportunity for knowledge to be at our fingertips, there is no justification for anyone to lack the relevant knowledge on these matters and proves it is purely down to the choice to ignore our afflictions.

It is not our job as women to cast aside our trauma to educate or console anyone who refuses to understand that black women deserve to be treated as the beautiful human beings we are and not second rate citizens. I am generally quite a positive individual, yet I have run through my emotional bandwidth of excusing men for committing these awful and degrading transgressions, and then having to listen to a thousand reasons as to why the solution to these issues lay with us. If you were robbed and contacted the police would you be satisfied if they asked you to find the perpetrator yourself?

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

Regardless of our race, gender, age, abilities etc all people deserve to be respected and valued as this is a basic human right all are entitled to. Since we cannot guarantee that black women will be treated like the queens we are, I will devote all my energy to helping my sisters heal. In addition, I will fight against those who would wish harm on them simply because they were born. Anyone needing lessons on how to stop disrespecting us the library is 2 roads over on the left.

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