If you are a careful Casey like me, taking an unmitigated risk is like asking you to manually shed your own skin. I know graphic content for added drama, but what I mean is that it would be extremely painful and therefore highly unlikely for you to elect to do. The problem is that the key to success is to do things that you wouldn’t normally do.

This post is inspired by a recent life transition where I did something that spiritually I feel isn’t right for me, but financially made so much sense. I went back into management. Now, that doesn’t sound so bad. However, the decision has slightly moved away from the 2024 life plan I set before myself. And although it is opening me up to more opportunities which is always great, I am left asking myself what is more important following the status quo or leaning into the new vision that honestly is extremely scary?

Happiness is a goal and I have only realised this within the last few years. My previous concept of happiness was target oriented. Working my way up the organisational chain, and at some point hopefully owning a piece of the pie that would better people’s lives as I have remained passionate about my craft. Nowadays, I see beyond the humdrum corporate life and want to experience pieces of the retirement plan a lot earlier. As a millennial, Gen Z is like that annoying sibling you never wanted but always needed. Their view on life not being about merely just existing, working yourself into the ground is utterly inspiring. If a lot more of us were honest with ourselves we’d admit, we are jealous we didn’t think of it first. The unpredictability of the universe shows that we have no idea when our book is gonna come to an end, or if the evil villain becomes victorious in our life story. We aren’t guaranteed to live a long life, we’re just given the opportunity to have one.

I have been saying for a while that I am over UK living, and yes the unpredictable weather and cozzy lives are heavy deciding factors. Although more importantly I want to live in a place where I am loved, and appreciated. Despite London being my place of inception it is a far cry from what I knew it to be. Every day feels like a mental struggle and even though I am winning the battle, the overwhelming exhaustion is played out. I used to think the question was whether I could make it abroad. But my life has shown me that when I put my mind to something, I will ensure I survive. So the destination isn’t an issue it’s my ability to believe in my bounce back.

The TikTok I saw this week let me know that main character energy isn’t something you learn, you are born with it. For years I have been running away from the natural-born leader that lives within, hiding from the strength I was given to create something that will make future generations proud to continue. The key to being happy is going after what your heart desires and unfortunately, that requires to leave your comfort creatures behind. It will be frightening, but who wants to be 80 years old reflecting on the hard knocks when you could be enjoying sweet sweet memories?

From what my family history has taught me completely trusting a man is like taking your own cyanide pill. And if I am being honest from looking at their choices in counterparts I agree with how they arrived at that destination. The lack of positive men around me throughout life deeply deterred me from understanding how another who comes with their own baggage can lessen your burdens? Experiences like these reinforced the independent lioness of a woman that lives within forcing me to become my own defence mechanism, confidante, support system and motivation. But the jungle gets tiring, and it led me to think is it possible to be both hunter and gatherer?

I can’t say I wholeheartedly trust anyone with my life. The turbulence of my upbringing, mixed with the unwritten decree I set upon myself not to destroy my lineage by being an awful parent makes me precious over who has influence in my world. I have spent most of my formative years putting up electric fences to warn off any man that may disturb the peaceful realm I have created. But I would be lying if I said I don’t get FOMO watching women freely living delulu in their relationships despite being terrified of exploring. History has shown that independence within a woman is only ever seen in 2 ways;

• To be something to tear down as it diminshes the male ego
• To be taken from due to the lack of ability for said man to provide for himself

So being in a relationship can feel like a complete attack on the familiarities that are my beloved security blanket. Saying this constantly exisiting in defence mode can not only be exhausting but also really isolating, and creates nuances about your persona that aren’t a true reflection of who you are or want to be. I hate being a hinderence to my progression so I have been making more of an effort to share some of the most sacred parts of my soul with my significant other. Although it hasn’t been without it’s challenges, this has been an experience that has only enhanced me in my relationship but also as an indvidual overall. What those who became before us failed to mention is that not everyone deserves the most sacred parts of us, but there will be some who won’t add to our distress. The comfort of knowing even if I fail myself I will be there to pick myself back up has been my motivation on some of my darkest days.

Social media is alive with the quote “Are you really healed or just isolated form the things that trigger you?” This really resonated with me. It made me realise that despite doing all this work on myself, I cannot truly know how I handle something if I evade putting it to the test. Relationships can be extremely tricky water to tread, but I won’t be able to reach the milestones if I don’t put myself in a position to give someone else the reins every once in a while.

Men are not the enemy, unhealed individuals with poor intentions are. Every woman wants a good man, and although this can mean different things for everyone I often hear women share their sentiments of what makes the perfect partner, the leading factor is always money. When in reality the depth of someones pockets doesn’t determine the quality of their character. It all comes back to that uncomfortble space called vulnerability, a word that isn’t always assigned to black woman but an extremely humanistic value. If you are true to yourself, the person you choose will honour you. Even the parts you hate will be silly little quirks they adore.

You don’t have to do much right now, just let others in to places you keep locked up in Pandora’s box. An anecdote I share with myself when I find am apprehensive about opening up is, that when someone breaks your trust it says more about them then you and let them hold that. Free yourself sis, open up and let him be your motivator.

I’ve been facing some challenges with my hair lately, but not for negative reasons. It’s going through changes. As I took down one of my latest styles, I noticed the significant growth it has made in a short period. To maintain these developments, I started reflecting on the differences I’ve made in the last few months. It dawned on me that I’ve been washing my hair more regularly. Now hold up, wait let me finish. This realization is blog post-worthy because, for years, black girls have been told that washing their hair less frequently is the key to maintaining natural oils. This has me thinking about the other myths we’ve been told by our cultural leaders.

I have written about it before, culture is this invisible coat we take with us everywhere we go. It is the framework for our morals and values, but just like the style stakes it can come in and out of fashion. I often ask the question of why black people are not as developed as other cultures who have a history of deprivation? As much as culture can be an integral part of our identities, relying on this as the only source of wisdom and education restricts growth.

I still vividly recall the first time I felt captivated by the idea of traveling alone. I watched YouTubers with their cameras, exploring different parts of the world and having these profound experiences. It was something I knew I had to try. The idea of trying to organise another “Girls Trip” through the group chat was testing my patience, and I no longer wanted to let others hold me back from reaching my goals. When I first brought up the idea of traveling abroad alone, I didn’t receive supportive feedback or any tips on staying safe. Instead, I was overwhelmed with fear, which was already present within me, about encountering something new, despite similar things happening on British soil.

There are many things we do or don’t do simply because we were told by people we assumed knew better than us, with no actual accreditations, that it would have some form of a negative effect on us. Education isn’t just about getting the best grades so you can be the doctor or lawyer the diaspora forces upon us. It is about getting as much information about whatever it is that you want to do so you can make an informed decision about whether you should partake in it.

Sometimes, our parents may discourage us from something or encourage us to pursue an idea without conducting their own due diligence. Despite the cultural belief that age equals wisdom, it is our responsibility to use critical thinking when faced with a dilemma, rather than assuming that what we have been told is absolute truth. By combining the discernment of our ancestors with the few benefits of Westernised living, we can gain multiple perspectives on life. It’s important to take the time to consider all aspects and, most importantly, to explore opportunities because FOMO (fear of missing out) is just a trendy way of saying missing out on life, and nobody wants to feel that.

If we continue with the status quo, we won’t achieve greater heights. It’s essential for generations to progress, as standing still won’t get us anywhere.

I am frustrated, pissed off even. Because I think when people look at my life, the success I have achieved, and the joy in my heart they assume that I am like this because I was touched by an angel. This is far from the truth. If a surgeon extrapolated my brain they would find the internal battle of feeling as if I am nowhere near what I want to be, and far from where I expected of my future at this stage many moons ago. I would like to think that I have let go of some of those unrealistic expectations, done away with the pipe dreams, settled into the fact that although I do not know my path, I am here for all I can pick up along the journey.

Being happy and confident is a lot of fucking hard work. As much as I believe that we are all beautifully and uniquely made with different characteristics, and talents we all face some of the same challenges. Life is gonna test the hell out of every single one of us, bringing you to your knees in ways that you couldn’t even imagine. And just when it seems like you have clocked the game a brand new boss pops up stronger than the last to see if you are really about this life.

Much to people’s surprise I wasn’t born knowing how to combat my demons. I had to learn when it is appropriate to fight back or don my track shoes and get to stepping because I had 2 choices kill or be killed. Now this isn’t a message for anyone struggling with their mental health. Especially in these times when it feels like every step forward is followed by 10 steps back. This is for the people who have admired those like myself without genuinely asking or paying attention to how I got here and splutter “it’s different for you, you are just so strong”.

I will admit there are days when I feel impenetrable, like God himself couldn’t knock me down. However, if I am being honest those days are very few and far between. Most of the time my cranium is full of questions and doubt, wondering whether what I am doing is right or if whether to continue as I probably made a wrong turn somewhere. Alas, I still show up, for myself more than anything ready to make it to another day.

People can be like leeches, instead of standing tall and facing their adversities they sit at the bottom of the ocean nipping at the ankles of others using their last morsel of might hoping to strengthen themselves even it means depleting someone else. To me this is the ultimate crime, for you who refuses to do the work sucking from another source in order to give you life is extremely unfair. You have no idea what it takes just to put one foot in front of the other. If they knew how meticulously planned my day, thoughts and actions are would they be so quick to disregard what it takes to get here? Is there a chance that this isn’t an act of sheer cowardice but a life uncertainty that they are trying to find the answer to?

The fact that those who have been considered to be given the blueprint to the perfect life can still end up destitute demonstrates that there are no rewards without diligence. Those quotes that express you being in charge of your own happiness don’t always explain the fine print. You are also culpable for your own unhappiness if you aren’t dedicated to getting out of your own way.

Unfortunately it seems the bulk of the solution lies with you. You can tell the person how their act of survival is draining your energy and see how they respond. Or continue to put your efforts into them hoping change will come. How much help you provide to anyone is a deliberate act of self-care, no matter what it is the responsibility of that individual to handle the push and pull of their life. Yes, you may have experienced something similar and can provide vital advice to support them but this should never transition into doing the work for them. We are the architects of our own futures, no matter how hard it can be to achieve. Reality of the situation is that people will always do what they want, not necessarily what is right and you can’t get yourself into a bind over it. How much time will you have left for yourself? I’m pretty sure we all have a story of that friend we tried to give advice to, and now the relationship is no more…. you know what I will leave that for another post.

As I have said before I am a recovering people pleaser. The last born, Aries, and wearer of her heart on my sleeve creates the perfect storm of wanting to take care of those nearest and dearest to me even if it means being at a loss.
One of my biggest conundrums in life has been navigating relationships, I have often battled with how much to give as it is natural for human beings that tend to be on the receiving end to not understand that there are limits to their requests. But as the years have flown by and the trend of being a Joan of Arc wears thin I realise that ensuring my needs are met before serving others is going to save my life.

These are called boundaries, they are often ignored or berated when asserted. But are essential if your aim is to build a healthy relationship with any person or group of people. A boundary has many definitions, however relevant to relationships romantic or platonic. The Britannica dictionary describes a boundary as “unofficial rules of what should not be done, limits that define acceptable behaviour”. For a long time I didn’t think any of that applied to me, I felt like I was born to please others. I remember the moment my feelings around this were validated when watching one of my favourite films My Sisters Keeper. The moment the youngest sibling to a sister who has life threatening Cancer realises she was only born to keep her sister alive through stem cell transplants. Not through the love of her parents wanting to expand their legacy.

Growing up asserting boundaries within my childhood home was something that was not only unheard of, but would be seen as a punishable crime resulting in receiving a maximum life sentence. You found yourself longing to astro project into adulthood at the speed of light only to find that the goal posts were moved and you were still subject to having your freedom revoked. The problem with this is that everyone expects that when you are faced with another issue that doesn’t involve them. Instantaneously you are supposed to have the strength of the worlds most confident woman, ensuring that nobody succeeds in disrespecting you in unimaginable ways. When the reality of the situation is if you aren’t reared with these values you give yourself to the world like a martyr and we all know how that ends.

All these experiences have lead me to hate telling people no. This isn’t because I want to be the heroin of everyone’s story, but majority of the time the other person has a hard time hearing the objection. So instead of managing their emotions around not getting what they want, tries to find a way for me to change my mind. I am not a fan of having to explain myself so it often results in me stopping communication to avoid a major blow up as we all are aware that we cannot get what we want all the time so why does it make a difference when it comes to me?

Truth is, it isn’t anyone elses responsibility to take on the reactions of another when a boundary has been set. Everyone will have opinions on how one should live, but depending on the era they were born in or whatever they consider the “right thing” will determine how they renact that within their life story. We all deserve to reside within an environment that supports us even if we make decisions that don’t honour the expectations others. I am a strong believer that those who have access to the most intimate parts of your world shouldn’t make you feel as if telling them your thoughts and feelings is a personal attack or that the guilt they feel for going beyond your comfort zone is your fault. If people cannot get with the programme you are within all rights to cut them loose. If they love and respect you like they say they do, none of this will be an issue for them.

No matter what you have experienced, no person walking this earth has the right to take up so much space in your world that you forget what is important to you. Creating those guidelines will give you that self-esteem boost you have dreaming of. Remember, you are worthy of a life that supports your well-being. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries, and don’t feel guilty about prioritising yourself. By taking charge of your own happiness, you’ll be better equipped to show up authentically for the people who truly matter.

I missed my posting deadline last week, and I would love to say it was because I was inundated with other prosperous engagements. But reality is the day passed me as I was consumed by a bout of extreme negative thinking. Emulating Spongebob’s bestie Patrick burying myself under the biggest rock I could find and naming it home. The level of overwhelm that struck wasn’t abnormal, but my inability to counteract it was alarming as it has been a while since I have had difficulty finding a solution to a dark period, calling into question if I am as healed as I think I am?

My life has been anything but easy and I would like to think that I had accepted my anointing as one of God’s strongest soldiers. But just like on the battlefield you can never predict the outcome of the oppositions move. I define myself as a realist, meaning life comes at me fast and I deal with it. So I am used to the rocky terrain the journey entails. So whenever I am faced with adversity I reach into my trusty therapeutic tool box selecting a strategy to fit the scenario. Human nature would have us believe that we are invincible, built like Teflon Don’s who can weather any storm without a bruise in sight carrying on like nothing ever happened. As I spoke about in one of my last posts our bodies are a great memory bank so it is assumed that everything we experience will provide us with a blueprint of how to deal with it as well as others similar, but this is untrue. And when we don’t emerge victorious it forces us down the imposter syndrome route as if everything we previously thought about ourselves was a lie.

The British spirit of “keep calm and carry on” is a dangerous one. It forces us into disassociation giving a false sense of awareness of when we are triggered. So instead of beginning the deep work at the start of the incident, we frantically begin treatment when we are knee deep in the crisis stage. Although we all handle adversity differently, we can all agree that even if we consider ourselves to work well under stressful situations if we had a choice those would not be our desired circumstances. Give yourself a break, acknowledging that you are struggling with something or do not have the answer to a dilemma does not make you weak. I have often found more strength in my vulnerabilty than my assurance because being a know it all can make you dismissive to the other options around you.

It has reminded me that healing isn’t about counting down the days to when you are going to get back on the horse, healing is knowing no matter how long it takes you are getting back on that horse. It isn’t linear, and there will be days that you call into question whether you have been doing any work at all. The relief of conquering that mountain, feels like defeat when we find ourselves staring up a new one in the distance. But here’s the thing – even the strongest soldiers need a break sometimes. Forgiving yourself for succumbing to hardship isn’t easy. It challenges the narrative of invincibility we often create. But vulnerability and self-compassion are true signs of strength.

Don’t be like me and judge yourself for not noticing what the issue, and doing what was necessary to stay on track. It is important to remain gentle with ourselves, the journey through healing is a marathon not a sprint. So, here’s to acknowledging the setbacks, dusting ourselves off, and reaching back into that trusty toolbox. This time, maybe we add a “check-in” tool – a reminder to listen to our internal compass and address negativity before it snowballs

During a recent commute to work, I was spotted by a girl I had a brief friendship stint with in college. Unfortunately, our union ended in such a negative way that stopped me from being friends with all of the girls, as my high level of morality caused me to be an outcast. I like to drink my water and mind my business. So upon spotting her, I avoided eye contact not out of fear but to evade any form of conversation that may disrupt my morning ritual. I was completely taken aback by her response as her recollection of our brief friendship completely missed out the turbulent ending. And when she was reminded of this, her reply was “You’re still holding on to that, we were so young”.

If you know me that situation ended with me politely letting her have it, and her recoiling into her phone despite being underground. Most importantly it left me pondering on what people’s concept of forgiveness truly is. The Cambridge Dictionary explains to forgive is to completely stop blaming, being angry, or punishing someone for something they have done. In essence this has been understood as the action of removing anger or resentment for a situation or towards someone on which you feel you have been wronged. I tussle with this concept because just like the scenario on the train, it seems as if people assume that because you have forgiven a situation relationships automatically restore to their original state before the offence.

More Than One Way To Forgive

Psych Central discusses a study published by the National Institue of Health indicating that there are 2 types of fogiveness;

Decisional Forgiveness: A conscious choice despite the destructive feelings an incident can bring. Choosing to move forward, letting go of any anger or resentment attached to that situation.

Emotional Forgiveness: Exchanging negagtive feelings for the person who has offended you with positive emotions like kindness or empathy.

Cardi B told no lies when she said “If it’s up then it’s stuck”. Meaning this problem is everlasting. No, I don’t spend my time thinking about the day the accused will get their comeuppance, and I will have this great confrontation in my favour. However, even though I no longer harbour any ill feelings, you definitely don’t get access to any of this good cheer that keeps me going daily. The idea of forgiving doesn’t always include forgetting. I believe that it is only when the person shows you they have comprehended the impact of their actions and are dedicated to making sure it will not happen again is when it should be extended to them. Although I do not believe in constantly bringing up resolved issues. The concept of completely forgetting a transgression can permit the person to repeat the offence.

Forgiveness As An Action

We are scientifically wired not to forget. Our minds are divided into 2 portions, the conscious mind which from a young age allows to flow freely giving us life experiences. And the subconscious minds function is to protect us, logging important information such as emotions, sensations, memories and beliefs. So when we are faced with circumstances where we are grieved, until it is rectified our mind and body may remain in defence mode to prevent being hurt again.

Reality is forgiveness can be different for each person it is not a one-size-fits-all intervention.  It is not the right of the person who caused the damage to tell you how to react to affliction. Sometimes it feels like the world is positively toxic,  and pressuring others to consistently choose optimistic responses in adversity can cause trauma and maladaptive coping mechanisms. They say the best apology is learned behaviour and I think that should be the focus when wanting to maintain a relationship with another, not being quickly forgiven to remove the guilt and shame of what you have done.

Image:ITV

The more I say I don’t watch Love Island, the more the show gives valuable content. After coming across clips on my TikTok FYP, I couldn’t ignore the comment section that was loaded with support for Kaz Kamwi. I have only ever watched 1 series, and it wasn’t one she was in. However, I remember the sentiments being the same as today. “I can’t wait for them to bring someone in for Kaz” or “she is more than just a great person”. It leads me to ask why as a community we try to force our way into spaces that don’t want nothing to do with us?

Being a first-generation immigrant I was trained to utilise the privilege of being British-born, and ensure that I achieve greatness. I have said before these teachings have brought me so much mental anguish. As promising as it sounds it is such an unachievable goal. Where my accent, and well-spoken vernacular prove to be a great disguise. The minute I walk into a room the approach towards being in the presence of a dark-skinned black woman quickly changes. You are either treated differently due to not looking like what was expected or as the token EDI invite they don’t know what to do with.

Year after year popular television programmes are held to the fire to provide more diversity in their selection of contestants matching the multitude of cultures living in this country. Still, the racial inequalities steeped within the bones of the UK prove their efforts to give us a seat at the table demonstrate that representation will never be enough. It upsets me so much as Kaz, an absolute stunner. Seen as beautiful amongst men and women within the black community reduced to being deemed as unattractive and unable to be catered for. I realised a while ago that whatever we do we will never be seen as desirable for the right reasons. I have countless stories of being sexually objectified by men of other races and never treated with the Queen energy I have always exuded. If I did a poll on the number of times my fellow sisters have been given references reminiscent of being “beautiful for a black girl” it would probably hit a 10 on the Richter scale. What does pretty for a black girl mean? This is a statement that doesn’t exist in our home countries even with colourism being rife. We are all allowed to have our preferences and beauty is in the eye of the beholder but that shouldn’t be based on the hue of someone’s skin.

Although this is the tale of a black woman’s plight, discrimination is intersectional. Despite the effect not being the same, it is felt by women everywhere that we are never enough. The beauty standards across the world are completely messed up. With people glorifying features that are only available after a severe gutting and plucking on a surgery table, leaving those of us who have chosen to remain in our natural state the problem. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But it is funny because although never truly feeling accepted. Women of other diasporas take physical attributes of black women we were ridiculed for, inserting them on or into their bodies being aesthetically desired. For example, during a conversation with a group of women who were of white descent regarding cosmetic surgery. One of the women explained “my friend got surgery in Turkey, she recently got her forehead to come out more just like that” pointing at the neatly bucked forehead sitting between my hairline and eyebrows for the last 34 years. If you are a 90’s baby with the majority of your teen years in the 2000’s. You may be triggered by being called 5 head due to the prominence of that feature. Now on a woman of a different hue this is considered to be a decorative piece of art work.

It is about time we stop trying to force our round selves into square pegs. It is apparent, regardless of all of the benefits Britain has reaped from being a diverse nation truly changing isn’t something they are capable of. This doesn’t mean that we should pack our belongings and “go back to our own countries”. But understand that certain platforms like Love Island just won’t give us the support we need. No matter how loud we shout from the rooftops the agenda is set to keep us out. This doesn’t mean all is lost, with fewer of us watching TV social media is now the preferred option allowing content posting by literally anyone in the palm of our hands.

When I think about cultures that have got it right, Bollywood gives India the depiction of excellence and class within their countries mainstream media. With their own people staring and producing in the wide range of shows that resonate with the true essence of who they are. It is time to focus on creating our own platform that promotes our glory and understands what we need. We now have many black professionals in film and production, and we are more than equipped to showcase the positive aspects of our culture that continue to be ignored. History has shown seeking the approval of others instead of honouring yourself has detrimental effects.

So go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.