If there is anything I have learned this year is to trust in myself.
I am wise
I am intuitive
I always know the difference but what I want and what is good for me
Sounds like a cheesy set of affirmations but all have been quietly true, although I will always consider myself to be a student of life, for way too long I have allowed myself to take a backseat to the quality of what I have learned along the way.
Naive Rea gave other people complete control over her life because she always assumed herself to be the novice not knowing that the majority of us are using the trial and error method to navigate through the uncertainty.
When I think about it, I am always the only person who has had my back and been able to find a way in the dark. Although I have had some aids, not everyone has the best intentions. I feel like humans are just selfish beings, consistently pleasure-seeking and refusing to understand when one keeps making demands it is often at the detriment of another person and you could be depleting the reserves that keep their head above water.
Not everyone deserves the position in your life they desire. Consequences can have some very harsh actions and that could mean their subscription to your life being cancelled, It’s always give them or break or they have learned their lesson but have they really? do they really know the pain they caused you and how it coloured your heart in such a dark shade that no matter how much light is added it will never glimmer as bright as it once did? The one person who has all of that information is you, and only you can make the best decision for your future.
I have stopped putting all my trust in others to show me the way and started allowing myself to be the chief navigator of my life. One of my favourite sayings has been “The only thing you can guarantee about people is they will let you down”. That used to come from a very morbid place, but now I understand that with very little fault people are just trying to survive and live out their dreams to the best of their ability and that will always be first over anything.
We always talk about a new year being our year but then use it to push others towards their destinies under the guise of them helping us win. I won’t be doing that next year, if I am doing something I will have a guarantee that it will benefit me as way too much time has been spent serving another’s purpose whilst mine aimlessly blows in the wind.
My Beef With Culture
 We were all tasked with breaking a generational curse without any guidance or support. If you are a child of immigrant parents, you would have heard the ” I want you to have more than I did” or the”We came here to give you a better life” speech which is understandable as we are aware of the adversity within our home countries. But how in the hell are we supposed to improve upon our humble beginnings without a few pages from the handbook?
Culture is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as “the ideas, customs and social behaviours of a particular people or society”. Whenever Caribbean culture is brought into conversation my non-versed counterparts often refer to our great food, music and cannot forget the well-known Notting Hill Carnival. Despite loving where I come from and what it has afforded me, I feel it has had some unfortunate effects on my development into adulthood. Some of these customs stopped me from embracing opportunities and speaking up about injustices, it even made me a dishonest individual as lying was always the go-to option to save your skin. I have spent most of my life feeling like a bad person for having characteristics that others have often admired but later when the shoe is on the other foot use that as a tool to destroy and berate you. Coming from a Caribbean household, children are to be seen and not heard. This isn’t something that changes at the stroke of 12 on your 18th birthday, it can carry on until your parents take their ancestrial rise, I soaked that shit in like the obedient sponge that I am allowing it to reap havoc amongst the innocence of my character. Some of my earliest memories are being told the various reasons why I can’t do something instead of empowering me to go where my spirit leads me.
*DISCLAIMER* I don’t blame anyone for the state of affairs shared in this post, culture is a difficult nuance to manage especially when it is being conducted outside of the home country it originated from. I think my upbringing was training camp for what was outside the net curtains, as I can’t say that things have been plain sailing. Over time I have been placed in environments where although having codes and ethics to protect everyone culture often seeps in taking control like a villain over a town waiting for the hero to arrive and bring back solidarity. But just like one of my trusted aids says “heroes die” and we are really tryna live over here. I love my culture, even sitting on a veranda in Jamaica I feel more at home than I do on English soil. But when I look at the challenges we have as a nation it provides a great understanding as to why we sweat the small things over focusing on the bigger picture.
To me, culture meant being part of a close-knit community. Educated, healed, and familiarized in a safe environment. Getting the cold shoulder when I’ve needed it more than ever is disappointing. It’s my mission not to repeat the mistakes of those before me, not to work tirelessly to build a mansion that my emotionally fractured family will fight over because the fundamentals of love and care for one another aren’t addressed. For the diaspora to combat the generational curses left behind by our challenging history means doing the deep emotional work to heal wounds of pain and failure so they can be used as lessons for those you pass the torch to. I love my culture in spite of the aforementioned, letting go of it would mean denying a massive part of what feeds my soul.
Climbing Out of Survival Mode
What is the meaning of life?
I have found myself asking this question over the years for several reasons;
- I am in a state of deep depression
- I have been faced with a problem that I don’t have a solution to
- My overly dramatic way of decompressing after a particularly testing week
My reflections of the last week have led me to question why I am here? Not in a way that means I am over it all, but what is the purpose of me living out this life before me. As a youngster I would like to say I had a bit of Peter Pan syndrome, wanting to be amongst the Lost Boys never growing old and being able to have fun all day every day. I think this was because I was wise enough to observe those who were coming of age before me and see the difficulties they encountered, not wanting to rush to their plight. So, I enjoyed every childhood experience until I had to succumb to the perils of adulthood.
I met my epiphany this week while sitting on the train commuting to work that I am merely surviving and not truly living. As I looked at everyone else around me I noticed I wasn’t alone. Faces planted in phones or books, headphones on blocking out grey surroundings, and just miserable glances frozen on faces. We would all have liked to be somewhere other than here.
I took a very expensive trip back home to Jamaica this year, and although it wasn’t a first I knew it was going to be a special one. I spoke certain things into this visit that I needed and it manifested in some unforeseen ways, but most importantly it has forced me to explore deeply what I want and whether what I am doing is pushing me in that direction? UK living gives a very stoic way of looking at life, team that with the narrative of descending from immigrants hyperfocusing on current demands becomes the only way to go. When I sum up a week it starts with being annoyed that the alarm has sounded, maintaining autopilot whilst transitioning to the office, joining in with dismal pleasantries with co-workers about having to be at work, watching the clock for Friday, and then either sleeping the weekend away or engaging in binge enjoyment whatever your poison may be. Basically keeping our heads above water. However, what I understand is we deserve to live whatever life we unconsciously envision when nobody is watching.
Lately, I haven’t been happy with my life, I am doing some great things, but whether I am satisfied with what I have before me the answer is no. I have found myself battling unidentified mood swings and complete boredom. Young Rea used to have such vitality for her career progression. The late finishes, and pats on the back after achieving a company outcome were enough to make her heart sing. Now these same processes leave me feeling empty, desperately searching for a dopamine hit to convince myself that what I am doing is necessary. What I now know is I no longer want to “make it through the week” or “get back on the grindstone”
Being born with the ambition of a hustler serves great purpose as even when faced with adversity, more than likely you will find a way to turn it into a success. Although, we can’t live our lives in crisis mode ready to fight at any moment not only is it hazardous to your mental health but also kills the fun-loving spirit that often doesn’t get to rear its gracious head. I am learning when our mindsets begin to change our actions need to go with it. What is the point of getting up daily making money and not being able to truly enjoy the fruits of your labour. None of us are aware of when we will take our final breath. That pension fund you have been saving for the well drawn out retirement plan may not be for you to enjoy so start reaping the benefits of your life now.
I am not trying to say quit your job and go backpacking across the Himalayan mountains with immediate effect. But the saying ” don’t put off until tomorrow what you could start today” is not only reserved for your to-do list. Pick back up that childhood hobby, take that trip, hell start that business that wakes you up in the middle of the night. Now my understanding of life is not to prioritise the humdrum tasks begrudging yourself of the things that make you feel happy and fulfilled.
Incapable or Just Unfocused?
As defined in the Cambridge dictionary focus is careful attention that is given to something such as a task. Or the ability to give your full attention to something.
I have never mastered true focus. The lessons I learned about womanhood were from watching my mother, a single mother, come home from work, drop her bag, and run straight into the kitchen to start dinner while quizzing me and my sister about school and outstanding homework. It taught me that being a successful woman meant negating rest and constantly having multiple coals on the fire. It is something that has never left me, so much so that I write this post en route home walking through a busy train station during rush hour. SHE. NEVER. STOPS!
These teachings followed me like holy scriptures. My ambition was always to become a high-flying career woman. Nothing could get in my way. It may be due to the numerous times I watched The Devil Wears Prada or the many years I have spent as a seasoned commuter, but my corporate strut makes traffic stop. I digress, basically I wanted to be at the top of my game so I put all my energy into my education and laid down on my back to impress managers, network and just be seen to be the hardest working individual that ever walked this earth.
Why nobody told me this plan was flawed I don’t know. It must be the spirit of the Windrush generation within me that made me believe that these efforts would be seen and rewarded accordingly but unfortunately this has not been the case. Although I consider myself successful, I now wonder if I am concentrating on the right aspects to truly feel accomplished and happy. Looking back on everything now I think I have not found peace within this factor because I have had poor focus. There are many levels to the characterisation of Rea, but one that has been present from as early as I can remember is my creative abilities. From making Barbie clothing out of old socks and busted balloons, to writing short stories in old school exercise books creativity has always come as easy to me as breathing. However, it’s been treated as a hobby, taking second place to the life my immigrant ancestors trusted would bring me freedom, leaving a gaping hole and fear of abandoning what I’ve carved out for myself.
I am a believer in having everything your heart desires, but understandably you can’t get everything all at once as achieving our wildest dreams demands a lot of time, attention and consistency which becomes more challenging when you are juggling multiple balls in the air like a circus performer. A quote that has stayed with me for the last few years uses the word focus as an acronym for “Follow One Course Until Successful” and this couldn’t be more true. We have to stay on the path trusting the process in all its triumphs and pitfalls to reach our goals. Over the years I have been met by and conjured up myself many other distractions that have diverted me from what I have always known to be a future pursuit. Self-doubt is one of focuses common enemies. I have always admired those who have had the faith to sacrifice money, careers and even relationships with those closest to them so they can reach that milestone. But I guess the feeling of surrendering your ambitions can wake you up like a thief in the night.
I think what I am trying to say is that you can execute anything when you have complete belief that it is attainable. I take that back, when you know it is going to come to pass. The Bible spoke about having faith the size of a mustard seed being able to change your story, but looking at that more closely having a mustard seed worth of doubt in your abilities can be the reason why you aren’t closing the deal. So give yourself a break and zone in on that project, idea or dream that has you feeling like there is an unfulfilled prophecy within you.
Speak Up Sis, They Can’t Hear You At The Back
Considering everything about me, you wouldn’t describe me as quiet. It is not uncommon for me to laugh with complete passion, to talk with conviction, and to have fun outwardly. Outspoken has been my reputation since the beginning of time. I’d love to say that this would be seen as a positive attribute in a time when people’s feelings, emotions, and views are so tightly controlled. However, it is often used with vitriol instead of an admirable quality bound to set us free from our unlawfully censored lives. I am an advocate of being yourself everywhere you go, although this sentiment is often reiterated all dimensions of our being will not be accepted in every environment. This has left me questioning if that is truly what they want or if that statement comes with some fine print?
I am probably a mix of some of the most outspoken cultures known to man. Caribbean women are nothing short of confident in sharing their concepts on a situation, and the East London in me making me loud and proud is probably a conservative’s worst nightmare. One of my true moments of censorship was when I went to university, going it alone and needing to merge into a new community, I was open to new viewpoints on who I am, as well as who I should be at this point in my life. What I thought would be an experience of finding my own tribe was ladened with more reasons to doubt what I always thought was an acceptable manner of conducting myself. Being dubbed as a feminist and someone who is least likely to get married as no man would be able to accept my mouth, was the moment I really became a shrinking violet. Here I was immersed in the territory I had dreamed about and it was silencing me, I started to become more quiet looking towards the other black women for feedback on the acceptable way of to present myself which when I look back was silly because whenever something went awry or there was tough decision to be made the congregation knew exactly who to look for.
Truthfully, it’s doubtful that everything I said was needed, or even the wisest. My journey into becoming my own version of Rea has been marked by many bumps in the road, and the anxious bird living inside me often flutters by reminding me of the egotistical, tone-deaf, and sometimes disrespectful comments my lack of lived experience has caused. There is an old Jamaican proverb that says “Talk and taste your tongue” which means to think before you speak, although I felt I was doing that I would like to blame my underdeveloped frontal lobe for anything I may have said during that period.
But seriously, it seems that to function in this manufactured society we live in, some of the best parts of your personality need to remain hidden. There are so many environments that don’t get to see the full essence of who I am as they would either misunderstand or even attack it. As I have taken some more trips around the sun, I have learned that curbing my enthusiasm is a colossal waste of time. Even in circumstances where I have decided to provide space for others to share their sentiments my silence often left space for judgment so I may have well just of shared how I was feeling anyway. I don’t know how many times I have sat in a meeting room full at the seams when a question is asked and all eyes dart in my direction, or someone says “I am sure Serea has thoughts on this?”. I promise it is enough for me to go full rage heavyweight Anthony Joshua on yo ass because it is evident that if I had something to say I would share it?
I think I have said it before, but for this world to function it requires people to come from all different walks of life as well as possess various attributes as it adds colour to the dark and dismal place this world can be at times. We all need to fit in to some degree but the only resolution shouldn’t be for us to morph into a completely different person. I believe that we were all made for a purpose and when we quell that it only stops us from reaching our full potential allowing others around us to excel and feel comfortable in their skin. My advice would be to take it as a compliment, they see your shine and sometimes that can be because they are threatened or because you possess characteristics they wish they embodied. We all have a responsibility to be mindful of what we say and how it lands, but as long as it is delivered with care and not to destroy another we have done everything within our power. You have a right to share your thoughts and whether they are considered to be right or wrong isn’t necessarily your business, the only thing you need to focus on is the impact you leave behind.
Getting Back to Love
I think I may have said this before, but ending my last relationship is placed up there with one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Not because of the love left between us, but because I felt like a big failure. I haven’t always been surrounded by the most uplifting sentiments in my formative years so that only further perpetuated the negative self-talk swirling around the world’s most jam-packed brain on earth.
During my time alone, I made the decision that I wanted to be alone for a WHILE! I got myself a Counsellor and told her I was done with love, all Knights in Shining Armour and Prince Charming’s need not apply because even the enchanted glass slipper itself couldn’t save the helpless tale called my love life. The saddest part of it was that I truly believed that there was no one on earth despite the majority of the countries in the world being overpopulated. For me, I felt broken beyond repair and not to mention at every turn there was an example of a failed relationship that gave me more ammunition because if they couldn’t do it what made me any different?
The other night I had to have a difficult conversation with someone I was close with about boundaries. If you know me well I do not enjoy this topic for various reasons:
- It is the most cringe-worthy conversation known to man
- People often don’t care and are focused on their own needs
- The dialogue is usually filled with defence of their behaviour instead of hearing you out
I obviously left that conversation with a bitter taste in my mouth, but the anxiety alone put me back into rumination over my inability to hold a relationship together. I did the right thing and took to my journal and I came to a realisation that this burden wasn’t mine to carry alone as any relationship involves a minimum of 2 people who would equally have a hand in helping it last as well as the dissolution of it. At the start of this, I decided that I had to do things differently. I wasn’t sure what those things were, but I knew if I wanted to indulge in the greatness that is love I needed to exchange everything I thought I knew and embrace companionship with a fresh set of eyes. 10 months into the year and the deep reflection has been provoking to say the least, some of the intentions I am speaking into my next experience are;
Get out of the echo chamber:Â I have spent a lot of my time this year speaking about my love life with people who have been in relationships that have stood the test of time. As much as I like to think as a single woman experienced in relationships, the advice I give is only based on a very low level of commitment. Speaking to people who don’t have a get-out-of-jail-free card due to the level of investment involved has made me consider relationship resilience differently and review my approach differently when working with others.
Let go of the past: I have not been given the best examples of positive working relationships, and it is easy to take the stance that all of them end up in hell. But the reality is that is not the only result. Yes, they will be hard, but they can have a string of rewards. If you keep holding on to the ghost of Christmas past, you may be missing out on the bright future ahead of you.
Release expectations: One of the sayings that is a guiding principle stopping me from tanking every relationship dynamic I am involved in, is that the one thing that is consistent about people is they will let you down. This isn’t a personal thing, we are all different and have to make the choices that best suit us and sometimes that can go against what we want. If we put too much faith in people making certain decisions we will always end up disappointed, so allow people to make mistakes or choose not to listen to what you advise. As long as the respect is in place it demonstrates they are making an effort to work with you.
Have fun: At the ripe old age of 34, I would love to have the white picket fence and children running towards me with glee upon returning from a hard day’s work. Unfortunately, my life has not reached that chapter yet and honestly I am okay with that. So the thought of meeting someone and making that the focus of the bond I feel takes away from the enjoyment of getting to know someone. Although pressure can make diamonds it is a very tricky process. And when applied to the wrong stone it won’t become a shining gem but possibly disintegrate.
I have learned that love is a beautiful thing and there isn’t one right way to do it. Relationships can last forever or just for a few seasons. Despite all the difficult times and anguish, the opportunity to feel and grow through love provides lifelong lessons that can help you pass on in other situations. And as corny as it sounds remember to live, laugh, and love ❤️
Revelations From A Closet Dreamer
Growing up my environment wasn’t the most conducive, although I happily claim the fact that I avoided teenage pregnancy, drug abuse or crime. The strict guidelines didn’t permit much space for exploration of the world or belief that my wildest dreams could become reality. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a dream but I often feel myself daydreaming about the possibilities of my life with no control over when or how they happen. But in an effort to focus on some of the humdrum tasks I bat them away like Serena at a grand slam final to continue with my day.Â
If you’re a regular reader of Diary of a Lost Soul, you’ll remember that I discussed this topic in “The Power of Intentional Thought”. Manifestation is another buzzword we millennials love to throw around but it has been alive in the spiritual world since the dawn of time. As it is something that is now a part of the era of personal development the Cambridge dictionary description of manifestation is a sign of something existing or happening, which is true but feels slightly soulless. However, upon exploring this amongst the spiritual realm the definition deepens to your hopes and aspirations coming to life through positive thought and meditation. I have always had the power to actualise be those positive or negative notions, but lately, those things have been way too spot on and it is severely freaking me out.
I am a prolific planner. While I wasn’t always like that, a few stumbling blocks in my teens allowed me to find my rhythm with structure, and it’s been blissful ever since. So my home is full of weekly planners, diaries, journals and notebooks I use to keep me on track daily, monthly and yearly and it truly has been the cornerstone of what has helped me be as successful as I am today. Saying this I sometimes think it borders on neuroticism as the potency of organisation allows me to believe that I have more control over the flow of life than possible. Whether you are religious, spiritual, or just putting one foot in front of the other sort of person. One thing we can all agree on is the power of the tongue. It is very embarrassing for me to admit that I didn’t take this phrase seriously as a youngster, I thought its only strength was to rid my gal pals of the pain from boys who wanted to get in their pants instead of nourishing their hearts as they claimed. And as I have been in my “growth bag” voicing what I would like to achieve quickly comes to fruition and not exactly how I expected it to be packaged throwing me into a frenzy forcing me to push the brakes and return to the safe zone to catch a breath.
Recently, I have been struggling with that issue because I have a burning desire for more festering within me that my overthinking pattern and the deep fear of failure are preventing me from igniting. Usually, every New Year’s Eve I stay home alone with a bottle of Champagne and vision board in order to manifest what I would like to achieve or experience over the next year. Last year I chose not to and took my first solo trip ever to soak up new experiences making a list of intentions for the year which have guided me to this point past the halfway mark of 2023 still smiling and with a boatload of opportunities. This has always been proven to be constructive however the end product is never what I expected in a way that shakes me to my core requiring me to act immediately, and if you have been reading this piece from the start you will know that is not my strong suit.
I write this post as an ode to all those who secretly fantasise over a life or world that they lock away over their logically well-thought-out 10-year plan. We dream for a reason and it is possible for those things to come true, if I stuck with the life plan I had at 19 I would have been living in America under Trump’s governance and I really think I am way too good for that. Sometimes you just have to get off the main road and follow the voice in your head that keeps telling you to discover what is amongst the beaten track it can be frightening but there can be so much enlightenment behind the darkness. Be it your economic status, other’s opinions, fear of failure, or just feeling the warmth of your comfort zone don’t suppress your dreams. If you are anything like me that shit will have you waking up in the middle of the night haunting you like a horror movie so lean into it and see where it will take you.
Overthinking Will Have Your Ship Sinking
When I started Diary of a Lost Soul I decided that it would be a space where I used my personal stories to reach out to those far and wide who were probably experiencing the same things I was, finding it hard to work out this unpredictable journey we call life and were blaming themselves for making some mistakes along the way. I say all of that to expose myself as a chronic overthinker who is fed up of being consistently caught up in the matrix of rumination!
It’s clear to me from all the therapy I’ve had and the self-help books I’ve read that my overthinking pattern is impacted by several things;
1. Growing up with the concept of failure being negative
2. The oppression my culture has been subjected to
3. Societal constraints of living in an environment that although looks multicultural doesn’t reap the benefits of said title
My biggest issue with overthinking is the opportunities it has aided in me fumbling. I have definitely made more of a conscious effort in the recent years of my life to stop writing a dissertation in my brain before I make a decision, and act on something in the moment before I miss my chance. Despite my efforts to put on my big girl pants and tackle the situation, there is a full on governmental debate in my mind explaining why what I am considering might cause major trouble. Risk is a major fear of mine. I am terrified of making a choice that could put me in danger, cause me to fail, or worst of all require me to restart my life all over again. Reflecting back I think this is due to growing up and observing a lot of people make high risk decisions in their lives that unfortunately didn’t pay off. In the younger version of myself, I swore that I would not experience single parenthood, poor financial decisions, or relationship breakdowns that I witnessed people deal with poorly. My mind has been reciting that mantra so much that I think I have scared myself into following only the straight and narrow. Learning from the mistakes of others is important, but you can’t spend your life being afraid to live because someday there may be a casualty. Risks are sometimes necessary to help push you to the next stage in your development. If you don’t you could seriously limit your potential.
Even though I’m not a religious person, I’m learning to walk by faith and not by sight. There’s only so much I can control, since a path has already been laid out for me, and the more I try to be in control of the unknown, the more my destiny becomes like a mirage in the desert that could’ve been me. My school motto was “Carpe Diem,” which is Latin for seize the day, translated further by Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “Enjoyment and pleasure in the present without fear for the future.” When I was a teenager, I rolled my eyes every time I saw those words under an embossed logo. Today, though, they are words to live by.
If you are anything like me and want to live a life that is overflowing with abundance you have to take a leap, stop allowing the narrative of doubt to block your blessings. It is really good to be risk adverse but not so much that it stops you from doing things that could make you truly happy. If there is anything my time as a devout Christian taught me is that the bible says that man is given 70 years of life, although reality teaches us that this isn’t a benchmark for everyone but if this was my 70 years would I want to spend it on the sidelines watching others lives play out or would I want to be a part of the action?
Overthinking can be a superpower, but don’t let it steal your joy.
Is Love Island Reality or Plunging us Further into Traumatic Bonds?
Source: Daily Mail Online
*Disclaimer*
I do NOT watch Love Island. Unfortunately, my elaborate plan to avoid the content is foiled by my TikTok addiction and I am definitely not giving that up! Saying this, Tyrique and Ella’s twisted tale of a situationship turned wrong has posed a conversation I have been having within the last week with friends and some of our ever impressionable young girls who struggle to balance their emotions and logical reasoning.
I have always loved a sweet boy. Emotional intelligence, a studious nature, and no affinity to crime are qualities I have always found attractive. Growing up my “Girl Gang” would frequently take me on “linkages” (if you know you know) with boys who had no intention of having a serious relationship with them and it was notably evident in the lack of commitment in their language making statements such as “you know I am feeling you” even taking it so far as messaging my friend later and asking for my number. For years it has left me with the question, how many red flags do we need to recognise that this guy is just not interested?
My motto has always been that I am a single girly until he asks me that status changing question, “will you be my girlfriend?” I have been ridiculed for this by most people male and female I have the conversation with, however I often end up victorious when I double down on how you calculate the start date of your relationship as I am often met with heavy stuttering and statements such as “does it really matter, who cares about an anniversary?” (raises right hand to God).
Ella and Tyrique sparked my creativity because their relationship or lack there of it is an ideal case study as to why communication is a vital key to any relationship. In my opinion he clearly displays uncertainty. This should be enough to show any woman that love built on shaky ground will easily collapse. No woman deserves a union built like the Tower of Pisa. The emotional side of us ladies mixed with the poor cultural lessons of our ancestors of the “a man will be a man era” have encouraged ignorance to raving warning signs of a man’s disinterest making it a personal attack resulting in us becoming more clingy or trying to change things about ourselves to become desirable. We are beautifully and wonderfully made. Not saying we don’t all need a tune up or tweak as we travel along the windy roads that are called life. But we should never be drastically altering ourselves or working against moral codes to fit in with anyone or in any place.
Men like Tyrique are incredibly easy to come by. Not to degrade or bash him at all, but it clearly highlights high levels of immaturity and unfortunate low levels of respect for women. When we see these things we should run for the hills and into the arms of a dude who isn’t afraid to put a title and terms and conditions on the healthy bond you both see in your future. Would you leave your current job for one without a signed contract in place? Don’t get me wrong, Ella isn’t an angel as Casa Amor gave her the opportunity of a Uzi. This appears to be a man who wants to establish something concrete with her. Despite being in a great position Ella is following a man she has no real ties to around the Villa potentially jeopardising an opportunity for real love.
I will keep it real. We are often drawn to people for a number of reasons. If there is anything my many stints in therapy have taught me we often attract what we have always known, so if we have experienced growing up abandonment or inconsistent care givers our anxious attachment style entices those who have no intention of providing us with a committed relationship like the allure of the Lombada. The only way we can break free from this trauma bond is by increasing our love for ourselves, and experiencing relationships that aren’t focused on people pleasing as these only support depreciation of our value. Everyone deserves to be a part of a loving relationship. If they don’t appreciate it enough to make it long-term no matter how resourceful you are it won’t work.
Moral of the story, If he can’t commit let that Mango (get it)
Have You Rested?
I haven’t generally been feeling well since late August, as I am unwillingly travelling into the middle of my thirties I am often reminded that the bounce back is slowly becoming a thing of the past. From hangovers lasting a minimum of 24 hours and back pain not instantaneously disappearing after a good night’s sleep, it is becoming more and more apparent that I really am getting old and some unwelcome physical changes are a part of the process.
These experiences have started to make me more conscious and mindful of what I am doing on a daily basis. This includes being careful not to overload myself when carrying objects, wrapping up when going out on a cold day and most of all getting enough rest in. The dictionary’s definition of rest reads; To cease work or movement to relax, sleep or recover strength. I am a descendant of extremely hard workers. And when I think back, I realise that my understanding of rest was equivalent to a cat nap on the sofa on a Sunday after a heavy week. While I have never really been an all-nighter way of working, even when I was studying, I would take a nap before going to the 24-hour computer room to finish that essay. However, on my journey into my career I have undoubtedly picked up some unhealthy working habits and patterns over the years.
Contrary to popular belief rest is a necessity, not an option. When we are run down not only are we physically affected but our mental well-being is strained and we all know how precious our minds are. The inability to rest can be linked to being uncomfortable with our thoughts and feelings as we all know what happens to an idle mind. Societies overly perpetuated hypothesis of consistently being busy equating to productivity has forced us into lifestyles with no work-to-play balance meaning when we become stressed we overindulge in one of those areas to compensate, however, this has an adverse effect on our well-being that can lead to some very detrimental circumstances. Bupa the international health insurance and healthcare group reports that “just like regular exercise and a healthy diet getting enough sleep is essential to your physical and mental health”. Being rested overall supports reducing stress levels, stabilising mental health, improving concentration, keeping our hearts healthy and strengthening immune systems.
By resting, I used to think I was wasting time. My to-do list has always been longer than the River Nile so the thought of sitting down and doing nothing when my body was not in a zombie like state was futile. If I still had the capacity to move and didn’t physically pass out I believed I was in a good enough state to put the time into something productive. If I wasn’t jet-setting to a paradise island my annual leave consisted of some sort of home DIY project or making headway on a lifelong plan that I had severely procrastinated over. Basically, I was never truly at ease, and although this way of living has always been temporarily cured by spending over quarterly periods of time a weekend in bed as a long-term fix it just doesn’t fit the bill anymore. During lockdown with so much downtime to spare I started to take my health seriously, I began my journey towards veganism. Now that I’m deeper into this way of living, I’ve noticed that it has transcended my physical and mental health. Furthermore, others have commented on how well and healthy I appear. Saying this, lately, I have found myself thinking more holistically about my health and instead of focusing on the major adjustments that involve a complete life overhaul but the smaller everyday matters that might be easier to work on.
Our health and wellness should be our first priority. We can’t keep letting major incidents such as being diagnosed with an illness or a deep bout of depression be the indicator that we need to take a break. Despite our dearly departed beloved sis Aaliyah coining one of the greatest RnB songs age really is more than a number. As as we get older our body becomes less tolerant of being dragged in the various directions that the world leads us in. As much as we are not clairvoyants and have no real predictions of when our time here is up, we can facilitate having a longer and healthier life by being more intentional about how we move. We have to stop taking simple things such as waking up for granted as it is not guaranteed. The whole point of life is for us to live free and enjoy it. How can you do that if you have a debilitating illness or worse case scenario are no longer here? Take this advice from me, put down your schedule and take that break because whatever you leave behind will be waiting for you when you return trust me you deserve it.